It's hard to describe how I've been feeling lately. I recently moved away from all that is familiar to me to this new foreign place. I came here thinking I would find my greater purpose in this strange new place. For the first few weeks, I was invigorated --excited about the new environment and what the future will hold for me. But as time grows, I find myself to be the same person just in a different place. There are pros and cons to being here, no doubt.

At the end of the day, the sum of my problem is that I have a hard time making friends. Which, ultimately, has left me sad and lonely.

Psalm 104:24-35

24 How many are your works, O LORD! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.
25 There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number-- living things both large and small.
26 There the ships go to and fro, and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.
27 These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time.
28 When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.
29 When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust.
30 When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.
31 May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works--
32 he who looks at the earth, and it trembles, who touches the mountains, and they smoke.
33 I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD.
35 But may sinners vanish from the earth and the wicked be no more. Praise the LORD, O my soul. Praise the LORD.

favorite illustration

"..It is quite clear from what you say that you have conscious wishes on both sides. And now,. another point about wishes. A wish may lead to false beliefs, granted. But what does the existence of the wish suggest? At one time I was much impressed by Arnold's line `Nor does the being hungry prove that we have bread.' But surely tho' it doesn't prove that one particular man will get food, it does prove that there is such a thing as food! i.e. if we were a species that didn't normally eat, weren't designed to eat, wd. we feel hungry? You say the materialist universe is `ugly.' I wonder how you discovered that! If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it you don't feel at home there? Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures? Notice how we are perpetually surprisedat Time. (`How time flies! Fancy John being grown-up and married! I can hardly believe it!') In heaven's name, why? Unless, indeed, there is something about us that is not temporal."

letters written to Sheldon Vanauken by C. S. Lewis

sing a song

You Are For Me by Kari Jobe

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

goodbye baby

I've cried everyday since Tigger left us. I didn't realize how much I would miss him, how much I regret not having been the best owner. I wish I would've picked him up more, rubbed his belly, or fed him treats. I keep rewinding to the moment when I realized he was no longer with us and I kept looking at him, thinking he would plop back up as he usually does. Then I thought, this isn't my dog.

And now, I'm in denial. I'm in my room, thinking he'll poke his head by nudging his nose through crack of the door, pace throughout my room, reach to the right side of my bed, and lay on his belly as he awaits for me to sleep or to take him out for a walk. I'm at work, anticipating going home to take him on a walk, get the mail, and feed him his 3rd meal of the day. I wait on the couch, hoping he'll jump up and sit between me and the armrest of the couch when there's nearly 6 ft of space between myself and the other side of the couch.

I would give anything to hear him sing again. I would give anything to see his tail wag when he anticipates jumping into the car on a trip with us. I would give anything to have him wait patiently by me as i eat, and him hoping i would drop a morsel of turkey his way. I would give anything just for him to nudge my hand to pet him and rub the back of his ears. I would give anything just to have him follow me around the house. I would give anything to hear him bark, come to find it was me who came through the backdoor, and wait for me to pet him.

I want him to follow me up the stairs. I want him to lead me to his water bowl to tell me he's thirsty. I want him to scratch the door to tell me he's ready to come back in from his walk.

He was such a stubborn dog, entitled, mischievous, and prideful. He was independent, easy to please, and loved to eat. He knew Chinese and would sing for me though it hurt his ears. He played rough with me and played tag.

Our family split in 2009, my parents in Taiwan and us here. Did I ever tell you that? I'm not sure. Once my mom moved away, he's never really been the same. I think he also died of a broken heart.

Now, mine is broken too. i miss you.

hope

Maybe there really is a turn for the better...

I finally did it. And it feels exhilarating. I've been wanting to this for a while now and I finally followed through. It feels different than the other goals I've made in the past. Somehow this feels, life-changing.

I have a sudden deeper appreciation for why I'm here. Not just to exist, but to love. Maybe that's all I really want proof of-- that true love exists... for me.

bs

This eczema on the left side of my neck is starting to puss, gross.

Lately, a question has been posed in front of me and I keep coming back to it.

"Grace, why are you single?"

A few people have asked me. Surprisingly, men. I don't know if they ask out of curiosity, interest, or pure intrigue. But, I ask myself the same question. I know that I'm a good catch. But as far as why I'm single, I'm unsure.

I'd like to think I'm waiting on God.

The true lines in Jerry Maguire:

J: You complete me.

D: Shut up, shut up. You had me at hello...but lost me at "you complete me".

hello again.

I dreamt about you again. Lisa and I went to your apartment after buying groceries. And we took some time to relax. And I began to wonder how you could've possibly met Lisa-- you two run in different social circles. This would've been when my dream would've turned lucid, but it hadn't.

Why are you here?

super stealth

I went to Memorial Shooting Center yesterday with Joann. It was really fun! At first, I was kind of intimidated by the gun and fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle the recoil. But after a few rounds, I was no longer scared and enjoying my time.

So, as a result, last night I had a dream. I have had this recurring nightmare of being in school again, specifically in college, where I'm on campus or in bed and somehow I keep missing my Tuesday/Thursday class in fear of failing the class. I don't know why i have this recurring dream.

And like most of my other dreams, I'm usually found in the middle of an action scene where I'm only a spectator because I am helpless. But I suppose, after going to the range I felt empowered. And it played out in my dreams. Earlier on in the dream, I saw a man place a gun into a backpack and the backpack was in close range of me. So, as they were discussing their villany plans, I decided to be stealthy, reach for the gun, and fire a kill shot to his head. I aimed strategically and fired! To my dismay, the bullet bounced off his head. As he charged towards me, I played it off as a joke like "haha, jk. I shot you!" *twinkle eye*

"You're a great catch and any guy would be lucky to have you."

This made my week.

I'm a big cry baby

tears

I went to the bank to get something. A new thing that I've started to do is that while i'm there, I'll try on my mother's ring, cry a single tear upon seeing it on my finger with mixed emotions.

On one hand, I look at how beautiful it is and wonder when I'll have the same. The euphoric feeling of being in love and happily married. On the other hand, I think about how my mother wore it on her wedding day. Suddenly I'm flooded with thoughts of my mom.

This mother's day weekend, I felt extremely anti-social, thereby screening all of my phone calls and making the decision to stay home. When will this getting easier?

My friends were saying how the OT was a hard read, and they were patiently waiting for me to explain dispensationalism to them.

I was wearing a red dress waiting for the event to begin. We were ushered unto the red carpet. Instead of taking advantage of the limelight, all I wanted to do was smoke the rest of my cigars. I also felt like one of those female jazz performers that wear tassels on their dresses while anticipating my crush to notice me and sweep me off my feet.

It seems like this is turning into a dream blog. I'm hoping to perform inception in the near future.

I've been overly contemplative lately. Rereading some of my old posts reminds me of how intuitive and analytical I was as a student. How hungry I was for information and trying to soak in my environment. Since I've started to work at a desk job, I try desparately to numb my mind along with my body. After work, the first thing I want to do is turn on the tv and just veg.

I'm afraid if I continue on this path, I'll become a couch potato.

I had several interesting conversations over the last couple of days. I recently rediscovered that men have insecurities just as women do. I think I've been so disconnected from the men in my life that I don't really know how to interact with them. I also think that I've unconsciously put my shield up for the last 6 months. Anyway, what I've concluded from these conversations it that I need to be confident and be myself. The people in my life have loved me thus far, there's nothing I can do to lose them (regardless if I want to or not).

But more importantly, I must do my best to glorify God with my thoughts, words, and actions.

It's been a while since I've had a sweet, surreal dream.

I was out with Joann and Angela. We were in what seemed like a mall. We were browsing through clothes. I noticed a group of guys walked by and were checking us out. I was too busy looking at some clothes and suddenly, Angela was nudging (or pushing) me towards the outer edge of the store and then I bumped into him. My heart skipped a beat and I had to remind myself to breathe. His friends had also "accidentally" pushed him towards me. We both looked at each other and laughed. He asked me how I was and exclaimed that it was so great to run into me. I smiled and said, "likewise." We sat somewhere while the others roamed about. He leaned in and told me that he was really happy to see me. He was explaining that he was just thinking about me. Prior to bumping into me, he had told his friends about me and our past. He said he was delighted to run into me after all this time. Soon, his face had leaned in so close, I thought he was going to kiss me. But he paused and we were interrupted by our friends. They wanted to go watch a movie. As he and I were walking, we were side by side with his arms around me at my waist. And for the first time, I felt safe.

What does this mean?

Lately, I've been really irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or otherwise, angry. For some odd reason, I've been very defensive towards the people around me. I may not have necessarily expressed these emotions to anyone specific. But I couldn't pinpoint where all this hostility was rooted in. It could be a number of reasons at this point.

About a month ago, my mom called me at work and as usual, she started spewing out all the things I needed to do (ie transfer money, pay for insurance, clean, file taxes). My frustration with her is that she's always doing that! It's never been about how am I doing. Or if I'm okay, emotionally. If anything, that comes later after she's made certain that things are getting done. I thought I had left work once I'm home. Even now, I'm tearing up. When she had talked to me that day, she also mentioned the crisis in Japan and told me not to think about going to Taiwan any time soon. And I think that's what tipped me over. Look at what you've done to me. This house isn't even mine. I didn't buy this house. It wasn't my decision to settle down here. I've been working for three years and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even save enough for retirement because of this burden.

They want me to be happy. They want me to express myself. How can I express myself when I am this miserable? If I did, it would only make them upset.

I made sure to distance myself towards my parents. It's easier to do because they are so far away. I even thought about completely cutting them out of my life because then I wouldn't have to be in this much pain...

After I spoke with my mom that day, I burst into tears. It was embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, praying no one would be in there. Sure enough, my coworker was in there. I ran into the stall and tried to regain composure (which I'm usually really good at doing).

I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

Even last night, after weeks of not speaking, I just have to be numb when I speak to them because otherwise, I'd start crying. I hate this. I really do.

vegas

vegas was crazy, crazy fun. Now, must get back to reality.

February 18 thru 20

Friday
Left for Dallas around 2pm, got stuck in traffic, started to mass text people on the way, arrived at Lisa's around 9ish, had dinner with Mika and Lisa at La Madeleine, went to Steven's place to meet up Zoe, Andrew, Steven, Jason, and Thomas, nostalgia, Star Karaoke, Soju shots, Phuong came with friends, loitering outside, lisa's overnight.

Saturday
Woke up around 10 to start getting ready, met up with Andrew, Steven, and Thomas at Tofu house, so good!, good times, leave by 1:30ish because ceremony was close to the restaurant, carpooled with Andrew, wedding at 2, cried like a baby, left for Andrew's to rest and watched HIMYM Mermaid Theory, reception at 6, cried some more, Knox on Knox with Phuong, Pham, and Abe, Phuong's overnight

Sunday
Woke up, chatted with Phuong, lunch with the girls and Jerry at Fadi's, back to lisa's to open belated bday gifts, leave 4pm

a new year

it just hit me, it's a new year...

2007 - Baylor Graduation
2008 - Golden Bank, N.A.
2009 - Heart Attack
2010 - Rebellion
2011 - ??

season of change

After talking with Jennifer about disliking change, I thought to myself, 'Am I opposed to change?' I told her my viewpoint is that I want change on my own terms...

But change happens to us rather or not we like it. If change does not occur, we are unable to progress, become better people, stronger, wiser, etc.

And we aren't in control of what happens to us anyway. A lot of times, I argue with God about His sovereignty. At my worst, I thought what's the point of trying at all if God is going to do what He wants...

A lot of changes are upon me in my life, and I can't do anything about it-- my complaining thus far hasn't changed anything.

Once again, I must put aside my flesh and pride, and remember how sweet it was to be near God and readily recognize the presence of God in my life... regardless if it's on my terms or not.

human interaction

Thanksgiving Day - Eva and Mika came down to Houston to visit me. It was a hectic morning because I woke up to go for a run and clean a little bit before they came. At around 11, they called and asked me how much longer it would take for them to get to my house. I estimated an hour because they were in the Woodlands. Then I lost track of time, and before I knew it, 20 minutes had passed. So I jumped into the shower and when I came out there they were! lol Andy and Michael were packing, so I guess they let them in. After I got dressed and ready to go, we went out for lunch to House of Bowls where Peter met us up there later. We talked for nearly 4 hours. It was fun catching up, talking about relationships because we were all single, and planning our next vacation. Afterwards, we went home so that I could start making dinner. I made kim chi soup and samgyupsal, and Mika brought a whole ham from Dallas! It was an interesting meal. I had work the next day, so we didn't stay up late.

Black Friday - I worked. Since I wouldn't have time to make the green bean casserole I had prepared to make, I asked Michael to do it. And once work was over, I rushed home to pick up the dish. But while i was on my way home, Michael called and said I didn't buy enough ingredients, so I went to HEB and decided to make a salad instead which would be quick and nutritious. Went to church Thanksgiving party -- fried turkey always so good, baby Audra so cute, and catching up with Lui and Jennifer. After dinner was done, I drove to Tapioca House to meet up Mika, Eva, Sarah, and Peter. Another great time-- talking and laughing. We got home and I passed out.

Saturday - We decided to have Dim Sum with Hongya and Joe at Fung's Kitchen. It was delicious! But poor Sarah. Halfway through the meal, we realized we had forgotten to call Sarah to meet us up for lunch. Yikes! But it was all good because she had lunch plans anyway, so she came to say goodbye to Mika and Eva and drop off the things Eva had left in her car.

It was a nice weekend. I miss hanging out with the friends.

prayer

I asked God to humble me,

and it's been the only answered prayer.

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
Psalm 51:1-19

"instead of victimizing yourself, do something to overcome the situation. -A"

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

unbelievable

I can't believe what just happened.

My brother mentioned another conference his church is promoting. Two guys named Bonnke and Dr. Crandall. Men of miracles.

And then he shows me a video of men and women receiving gold teeth, gold dust, manna and gem stones in church.

But the pivotal moment is when he decided to talk about false prophets. All these miracles, signs, and wonders are all a part of Jesus' ministry. To say that Jesus has changed is to go against the Bible. Jesus was, is, and will be the same.

John 14:12-14
I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

If anyone teaches contrary to the scripture, he is a false prophet. I felt like he was suggesting that the teaching I've been receiving at church is false and I need to have a grander picture of God. For me to not believe in miracles, signs, and wonders, makes me a "pharisee." The kicker was when he suggested that I didn't know the gospel. I told him that it's not that I don't believe these miracles occur today, but the danger is the focus. If we put too much emphasis on the miracles, we lose sight of that's important here, our relationship with God. The most important thing to me is that Jesus is my Savior and he died on the cross for my sin and rose again to redeem me. "Jesus is our Savior, that's it?"

I replied, "Andy, did you just hear yourself speak?" I was thinking, 'Jesus being our Savior isn't enough for you?'

"Grace, you need to know the full gospel."

And after that, I no longer wished to talk to him.

I'm confused and heart broken.

Mortal Error

"We have tried to secure spiritual pleasures by working upon fleshly emotions and whipping up synthetic feeling by means wholly carnal. And the total effect has been evil." A.W. Tozer

Fun Times

Carnival Conquest: Bahamas 2010

I had a great time on the cruise!

Day 1 - FBCC, Sonic, traffic, meeting new friends, boarding, BOOZE, waiting, exploring the ship, HAIR, SSQQ party, young people, feeling left out/we don't belong, dinner, welcome aboard show.

Day 2 - Breakfast, Foxtrot, Salsa Rueda, being a boy, laying on deck, name tag tan, karaoke, Marcus, head bob, dancing

Day 3 - Breakfast, Swing, Salsa Rueda, lunch, tanzanite, Swing, formal dinner, dancing, star gazing

Day 4 - Nassau, Bahamas, rainbow rings, alexandrite, Tropicana, salty water, nail polish, dancing-cumbia

Day 5 - Freeport, Bahamas, taxi, boobs, soft sand, umbrella!, dancing

Day 6 - Key West, Florida, government beach, love affair, parasailing, Don't hold the metal!, parachute?, stand when you land, bad example, formal dinner, awesome juggler, SSQQ dancing in the lobby

Day 7 - Breakfast, Club Music dance, band aid tan, legends show

sweet dream

We were in a hotel with my family and I looked across the room and realize there was someone famous sitting there. He was really cute and he smiled at me. My parents asked if I wanted to go and take a picture with him. When I stood next to him for the picture, I felt him pull me closer to him which gave me butterflies. He was really attractive--tall, dark, and handsome. I think he was an athlete. Well, we went up to our hotel room and the room itself reminded me of the rooms we used to get in Vegas as a child--the hotel suites with a full bar and dining room. It was huge. Once we were settled in, I decided I wanted to talk to this guy. My dream started to become disjointed at that point, but I do remember just feeling giddy because I was with him, laughing, flirting, and giggling. I felt so desirable and wanted to be in the dream so much that I didn't want to wake up.

Bucket List

1. Perform a solo on stage.
2. Skydive.
3. Bungee Jump.
4. Enter a dance competition.
5. Go cliff diving.
6. Leap off of Niagra Falls.
7. Go white water rafting.
8. Backpack through Europe.
9. Crash a senior prom.
10. Climb a real rock.
11. Participate in a marathon.
12. Participate in a triathlon.

getaway

I'm going to Austin this weekend! I'm switching cars with Michael and attending a friend's birthday celebration. I'm looking forward to it thoroughly. I find myself planning vacations at work. muahaha.

what's your flavor?

Learning to dance salsa has been such an enjoyable experience. Not only do I learn to dance, but I also enjoy the company of fellow novice dancers. Along with that, I meet several men (my age!) who are interested in expanding their horizons. It is so refreshing.

But a thought hit me today. I am attracted to men with Latin flavor. Being around the Hispanic men in class, I feel a rush of intrigue when they speak even a hint of Spanish. Then I remembered that my ex was from Ecuador, and how I thoroughly enjoyed that particular aspect of him--to be able to speak several languages with one being Spanish. As with any remembrance, nostalgia comes rushing in along with the associated feelings.

I suppose I wouldn't mind dating someone not Asian.

knowledge

"The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."
Deuteronomy 29:29

The Lord reveals to us what we need for salvation and holy living.

Last night was so fun.

Love is.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil.
Love rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.

walk by the Spirit

"Love is the key-- Joy is love singing. Peace is love resting. Long-suffering is love enduring. Kindness is love’s touch. Goodness is love’s character. Faithfulness is love’s habit. Gentleness is love’s self-forgetfulness. Self-control is love holding the reigns.”
Donald G. Barnhouse

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Galatians 5:22-23

A super saint who is a loveless saint is no saint at all.

I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I wish to be, I am not what I hope to be; but, by the grace of God, I am not what I was. -John Newton

Pyramid Scheme

I think I almost fell for a pyramid scheme.

I was contacted through Career Builder about a job in sales for Lionheart Assurance Solutions. After coming off of my previous interview, I was open and willing to interview for companies simply for interview experience not necessarily interested in the position itself--bad idea.

I responded to the interest email with optimism and eagerness to interview for a job with seemingly great potential. In response, I immediately got an email scheduling the interview where I pick from interview time slots--1st flag. But I thought nothing of it because my college internship interviews were formatted the same way.

So, come interview day, I started to calculate my lunch break and how I could maximize the commute to the interview office, the interview, and the commute back to the bank on top of preparing my answers to all the interview questions I expected. As I drove, I prayed that I wouldn't be late and was passing through traffic with anxiety. When I went through the doors, I was a little proud of myself for making it at 1 on the dot. Once I went in, there were several people waiting to be interviewed--2nd flag--I thought I was going to be interviewed by the person who interviewed me.

Turns out it was a "group interview." The man asked each of us to introduce ourselves, tell why we were there, and what is our best asset. I went first--and after all that was done, he started to explain the company, the job, and the commission. I was thinking, great, good background information, he'll probably be 5 minutes and we'll start interviewing. Boy, was I wrong. He was speaking for 10 minutes, I began to ask myself if I was supposed to engage in conversation with him as some of the other candidates were. But even then, he was on the soapbox.--3rd flag-- But that subsided as he mentioned that what he was saying was necessary for the second part of the interview. So, I focused on what he was saying about the product. While he was explaining the company and the product, I felt like he was selling us the position--as if to persuade us to purchase a product. And in the end, that was exactly it. After an hour and a half of listening to this man talk, it turns out the position was not a position at all. He was selling a business that we would have to front on our own and pay for the product through Lionheart! He asked us to write down our interest and that would determine if we would proceed to the "real" individual interview. And I actually considered it!

But knowing my circumstances, I couldn't take that risk. So, I said no thanks--not knowing it is a scam.

Note to self: speak to a rep before interview.

Natalie Portman

...is so pretty.

While in college and during football intramurals, I once met a girl who resembled a lot like Natalie Portman.

I introduced myself and so did she. After a few short moments, I decided to say what I thought.

"Hey, so do you know who you remind me of?"
"Who?"
"You look a lot like Natalie Portman."
She glanced up at me and said nothing.
"Do you know who she is?"
"Yes," she replied and coyly said, "Thanks."

That was the only and last conversation I ever had with her. I wonder often if she took that as a compliment or something else. I would think the expected reaction is to be really flattered because many men find Natalie Portman quite beautiful and attractive.

Maybe she thought I was hitting on her...I dunno.

"the essence of our work as humans must be that it is done in conscious reliance on God's power, and in conscious quest of God's pattern of excellence, and in deliberate aim to reflect God's glory." John Piper

resolve to change

I'm at work.

And I've reached that point. That point where I need to move on. Yesterday, I received a call from a lady from Robert Half International concerning a position for a Staffing Manager at Accountemps. I was completely caught off guard because I hadn't been keeping track of where I've been applying to during my job search. I know that I applied to many through Robert Half, but I really didn't expect a response.

So, I was sitting at work talking on the phone to a potential employer. All the while, I was thinking, "good thing my coworker isn't here". The lady asked me some preliminary questions, told me about the position, asked me to do some homework, and to get back to her if I was interested. Being a Staffing Manager would be three-fold, sales, recruiting, and staffing, but a strong emphasis in sales.

Now, I'm praying hard. Whenever an opportunity such as this arises, a tidal wave of thoughts come and wash over me. I start to ask questions. Am I capable of sales? Do I want to do sales? Sales is my weakest point on my resume. How will my current employer receive the news that I'm leaving? How will I find someone to replace me? I have a lot of work to pass on to the person who fills my position. Will I be asked to go in and interview? Am I ready to go into my major? Will I remember all the things I learned in college? How will I be perceived and received at the interview?

Anxiety.

Lord, I am going to follow You. You make all things new and I will follow You forward. Thank You for this call. Thank You that this is an opportunity for me to experience. I depend on You for my future. Will You guide me in my next steps?

It doesn't hurt to try. If I do or don't get the job, I will still praise God for He alone is good and I look to Him for next steps.

Every year, I make new resolutions. This year, I simply resolve to change into the likeness of Christ.

I dreamed about him again.

She was so close to him, it made me sick. And when he kissed her, I felt my stomach churn inside out.

Gross.

I dislike this feeling of jealousy.

God is unchanging.

Knowing that truth, when I say I don't feel God's presence in my life as much as I used to, I have to ask myself, 'Who moved?'

I must have.

Anything new?

Nope.

Nothing new.

But I am excited about the holidays coming up.

My family and I are preparing for my mother's departure to Taiwan. She took a week off from work to throw out junk and clean the house. She occasionally asks if I'm scared.

Am I scared?

By the grace of God, I'm not. Perhaps I can't comprehend the severity of the situation and that's why she constantly asks me. She asks only because she's fearful for me.

I have a feeling that once she leaves that reality will kick in. I'm trying my hardest not to give up or to completely unravel and lose control. I have to believe in God's faithfulness and provision.

Why was I created?

As I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was thinking about all the things I needed to get done at work. While having a friendly new boss is refreshing, much responsibility has been suddenly passed down to me since my former boss was a scape goat for most of the facility management of the bank. And then I had to recheck myself, I'm not at work yet. And I could hear a soft voice in my head say, "Worship me." I took a deep breath and thought about God. When He wants me to worship Him, what does that mean?

Some of my friends are enjoying the honeymoon phase of a relationship and the bulk of my other friends are agonizing over being single. I'm somewhere in the middle. Lately, I've noticed a theme spoken in my life; the sin of idolatry. Idolatry is simply anything valued above God. To be completely honest, the infatuation of being in a relationship has plagued my mind the most. I've been single for a good 3 years after having a relationship that was dishonoring God. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I'm thankful for Christ and am trying to earnestly seeking after Him, but I'm not completely content. I constantly struggle with God concerning the issue of being single. I know that this season of being single is wholly devoted to Him and I have no qualms about it. I just often wonder if I have the future gift of singleness and if so, am I ready to take up the challenge of being potentially single for the rest of my life?

Some days...I wake up full of joy for the day to come. Some days...I wake up apathetic for work. Some days...I wake up only wanting to go back to sleep. Some days...I wake up sad about my life circumstances. Some days...I just don't want to live.

I have thoughts that are going at the speed of about 100 miles per minute. I have all these observations and desires, but do I actually follow through with them? Am I supposed to idly wait for an opportunity to fall into my laps? Or do I make opportunities for myself? Is there ever a time where things are comfortable enough for me to settle down? Do I wait or do I act? Will I act? How will I respond? Do I respond to the call? What is the call? At this point in time where life is so uncertain and fragile, how will I respond to the cup that has been given me?

Do I let go and let God? At which point do I let go of the things that I've held onto for so long? To leave that place of comfort and be used fully in God's purposes and plans. Is it worth it all? Are these desires and longings really from God? And say these are from God, will I be alone in all of this? Does anybody else have these same passions? Are these God-driven purposes? Or are they selfish, fleshly desires to make myself look like I'm entitled to my own self-righteousness?

Desperate longing.

God,

I can't see the future. I don't really know how to make a decision on my own. I never have. I always needed someone to lead me. I always needed someone to tell me what to do, so that I can follow their leading. As much as I want to think I was and am independent and can fend for myself, I am completely lost. I'm not sure where my life is going. Those desires that I thought were once in my grasp are seemingly slipping away.

I am frustrated and I am torn, once again. And suddenly am lost.

But I know that you are here. It says in Your Word that you have plans for me. Lord, you have plans to prosper me. You've given me this life, so that I can honor You in all that I do. God, would you lead me? I pray for direction. A new direction. I may not know where I am going and I may not know how I'm getting there. But you are my mode of transportation, you are my destination, and ultimately, you are my companion.

God, please renew my soul.

Honesty.

I'm tired of being the best friend.

taboo

What's another word for afraid?

Scared?
Frightened?

No, when it's nighttime and it's dark, how do you feel?

SCARED SHITLESS!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH

Free acts of service?

Today, I was driving home from work. And I stopped at the intersection of Beechnut and Beltway 8. As I waited patiently for the light to turn green, a man comes with a bottle and squeegee to wash my windshield. He didn't glance over to me to see if I wanted it. I waved no. But he did it anyway. Gah, now, I start to think do I or don't I? Well, I'm about giving and receiving, very transactional. But I didn't ask him to do it, I even signaled, "NO." And if I do roll down my window, who knows what he'll do. But then, if I don't roll down my window, he'd be like what's up? and may even do something worse. So I resolve, No. I didn't ask for it, why should I pay for it? After he was done, he gestured, "whaddup?" by raising his arms in like a do-you-want-to-fight sort of way.

And I gave him my shy, I-don't-want-to-give-you-money-but-I-appreciate-the-thought look. haha. And he went on his way.

Today, my coworkers talked about inter-racial dating. I don't see color. But I know my family does. I know I'm open to dating other races. But, I have to keep in mind the future. Goodness, what to do.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

skepticism

Men.

I hear stories. It saddens me. Leaves me with less hope each day. God, please forgive me. Please let me love without borders.

Star Trek

Fandango sends me an email to ask about my Star Trek: IMAX experience.

Well, let me tell you, it was amazing. I loved the movie. Haven't seen such a good action movie in a long time.

My favorite character is Spock. Logical and robotic, yet so fragile and human. Love it.

Will expand further later on. Need to sleep.

relationship talk

So, yah. In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to talk about how amazing my mom is.

My mom is so amazing. She has carried the weight of our family on her shoulders for most of my life, and possibly since she first got married. And because of her love for our family, I now see how much love she has and I respond in kind. I wish to give her all the love that she deserves plus the love God gives through me...which is the best love ever.

My mom is a soldier. Because she has carried the weight, she has been through so much pain, neglect, despair, and disappointment day in and out. But God is completely restoring her soul and healing her where wounds have run deep.

Her love is astounding. Her love for even our dog runs so deep. She loves us so much that she's willing to lay down her selfish desires and simply live for the family.

Goodness, when I become a mom, I would be amazed if I were half the woman she is now. She is so strong and courageous. She is so meek and humble. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. She brought me into the world and have constantly looked out for my best interest. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful mother. There is no other like her. I couldn't have asked for a better blessing than the self-sacrificing love from a mom.

In other news, I'm constantly skeptical about relationships now. that's all. Will expand later, maybe.

basketball equals life?

So playoffs. Rockets versus the world.

Don't strangle me, but I don't understand the appeal of watching basketball. I'd much rather play sports than just watch it. And if I do watch sports, I only watch cause my friends are playing (ie intramurals). There just seems to be too much hype that I may never understand. Well, maybe one day I will if I pledge loyalty to one particular city, not being Houston.

In other news, God is so good. Today, I realize that my past doesn't matter. It has shaped who I am today. But living in the past only causes you to move backward in time. The present is happening now and the future is only seconds away. And with each second, passes a minute, then an hour, and before you know it, the entire day has flown by without you knowing it because you're still holding on to that first second or that distant memory that happen a billion seconds ago.

What else? I've also come to the realization that what people think about me doesn't matter. I mean, I care what people think and how they feel about life. But what they think of me is not a concern for me. They may think all they want. But I answer to God. And I want my life to exemplify the blood of Christ and what that shed blood means for me and for the rest of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about accountability. If I've done wrong, I want people to confront me about it. But I don't mean to sound self-righteous or conceited, but it doesn't happen often that people call me out. I don't know whether they're afraid of calling me out or I'm just to quiet of a girl for them to notice that I've done wrong and my mistakes slip through the cracks. But again, I'll answer to God for any lack of faith or disobedience.

I've also learned that I can't force people to say anything. Often times, I find my curiosity biting me in the butt. I ask too many questions or I become so nosy that people get irritated at me for invading their hoola hoop. But I'm not doing it out of malicious intent. It's purely out of concern and wanting to hear your story. And how can I pray for you if I don't understand? I don't know. This relationship thing is hard.

God, grant me patience to love and love without ceasing.

Maybe basketball does translate into life. Flagrant foul, hah.

Love is patient.

How have my expectations of men suddenly risen exponentially? I'm so much more hurt now than when I didn't desire to follow the Lord. I don't understand. I thought it would be easier to trust and love with God on my side.

I've given more of my soul and my heart in the last three weeks than I ever had in the last 24 years of my life. It has been rewarding and beautiful, but needless to say, I'm broken down constantly.

trust. forgive. love. will I?

Plea

God,

Will you be here now? This world doesn't make much sense to me. Please help.

Grace

Complete exhaustion.

I am so tired.

In the past month, I've gone out so much I don't think my dog recognizes me anymore. He bit me and I'm a bit upset at him for it. Anyway, when i first started working, I took every opportunity to rest and sleep on the weekends. But lately, I am constantly going out. I don't know if it's the holiday buzz and that I'm always itching to go out, but I'm getting burnt out. And the sad thing is, I don't really know where my time has went and I haven't had much time to evaluate myself in all of the busyness. And it's not like my time is spent helping others or anything selfless. It's all really selfish.

Today, I thought to myself, why am I constantly going out? Is it because I'm running away or avoiding the inevitable? Or is it because I can't say no? It's probably both. But what am i doing? I think the more I go out, the more lost I become. I'm in social situations where I'm uncomfortable and awkward where I could be at home cleaning my room for my feng shui. I'm eating more and more where I could be at the gym walking off that love handle...probably should be doing more than walking, but I'm not even doing that! Anyway, the more unfamiliar the territory, the more quiet I become. I tell myself, there's nothing wrong with being quiet and sweet. If they don't like you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't try to be somebody you know you can't be.

I also am so guarded that it hurts. I've built a fortress with an iron gate around my heart and the fortress continues to build and become impenetrable. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows. I'll sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning.

note: must be nicer to guys...they have feelings too.

theory

I have a theory. I believe the reason that I, among all cute girls, don't have a boyfriend is because I'm too cute.

Now, please stay with me. No, I'm not full of myself nor am I delusional. The reason why is because guys are naturally more visual and therefore, more inclined to be attracted to girls that have a more obvious beauty. So girls like me are left to feel insecure and alone. But the only justification I have is not that I'm not good enough or there's something inherently gross about my demeanor. I've concluded that I'm too cute. Guys see me and I remind them of a little girl, a child, a little sister. So, naturally, they wouldn't pursue someone what reminds them of a sister. What eventually happens is that I'm seen as a friend, someone they can confide in about their endeavors with women and the hot date they have at the end of the week.

...maybe a little delusional.

*sigh. It's sad. Every time I meet a guy, I immediately think of what are the chances of me being attracted to him. Usually it's a no, but why do I do that? I think every chance I meet a guy is an opportunity to meet the man of my life. Is that wrong? Should I have a healthier mentality about men? And if I do need to shift gears, how do I consciously stop looking? I imagine myself, talking to myself, "Stop looking, stop loooking, STOP LOOKING!" Really?

Maybe, just maybe. Guys' standards have risen as well. Granted, I haven't talked to too many guys. But maybe the reason that all my friends are single isn't because there's something wrong with us, but something wrong with them! Ha. They just can't see a good thing coming unless it hits them.

No, no, no. I'm starting to think too much or too wayward. God is in charge. he appoints the one we're to be with under the appropriate circumstances. There's no need to rush or come to hasty conclusions because God's plan is perfect. I just need to believe in His perfection and have faith in His provision. Will I ever learn?

Memorial Weekend Festivities.

Friday:
After work, I went to Chinese Community Center to watch Ivan and Joann play ping-pong. I had no intention of playing, but once Ivan's Dad had arrived, I became Joann's opponent. I had left my converse shoes in my trunk from the week before so I was in my work clothes while wearing my pink and white flowers converses. Played until 8 and Joann and I went to church to prepare decorations for VBS. I was exhausted, hungry, and grumpy, moreso, grumpy because I was exhausted and hungry. But it was productive.

Saturday:
I woke up late so I didn't make it in time for Body Works Plus Abs at LA Fitness. But I went to the gym anyway. Met up with Jennifer, made some dinner plans, and said goodbyes. I ran for a bit and went home to take a shower. Elaine calls and asks if I want to run some errands with her, but I had made plans to watch Iron Man with Michael. So, I asked if she wanted to come along. Unfortunately, Michael is sick. It ended up just being Elaine and I watching the movie that we've both have already seen which I think is kind of funny. Iron Man is still good the second time around. Afterwards, we went to Cheesecake Factory because Elaine was craving the Santa Fe salad. Then Joann met us up to eat our cheesecake and to go with us to order VBS t-shirts. After we talked to the store owner about the details for our t-shirt design, we went to swirll because I hadn't seen the self-serve machines. Met Elizabeth's brother and politely greeted the store owner, Ken. Then I went back to Sugar Land to eat dinner with Jen and Howie at Ichiban. It was okay. Not as good as I thought it would be. Elaine invited me to hang out with her friends at Genjy's so I went. It was kind of awkward, but after two beers, I was beginning to feel more loose. We sang karaoke and drank. Then we went to KTV for more karaoke and more drinking. I think I drank too much, so Joann drove me home while Elaine followed behind.

Sunday:
Church. Enjoy Life. Everything is meaningless. VBS decorations afterwards. I was getting delusional from the lack of sleep. We agreed to go watch Narnia at 5 so we went to Starbucks for some energy and to kill time. Movie was good. PRINCE CASPIAN is mine. He is not the next Orlando Bloom. Then ate dinner at TGIF.

I really enjoyed the movie. Not only was it because of Prince Caspian himself, but I really enjoy movies that have Christian elements integrated into the plot line. Even though the references were subtle, it was done tastefully well.

I can't stop looking. I can't help but look. I wonder if it's really true that once you stop looking, love will hit you without you knowing it. I've been told that since I consciously and constantly look for love, it is less likely to happen.

miscommunication

It's odd. A lot of miscommunication happens between me and other parties. I think I've engaged in about a dozen of cases where there was miscommunication between myself and friends, co-workers, siblings and/or a family member, a customer service rep, and just random people I run into day-to-day.

Does this happen to you? There's a break-down in communication and there's an awkward period of time where you wonder if you were able to transmit/receive the message accurately. Happens to me all the time. And I pride myself in being a good listener, for crying out loud.

aiye.

So, I'm back in my mode again. Asking God: Where's my man? haha. Would it be best to be with someone completely unlike me and follow the classic line of "opposites attract"? I usually think that's best because I'm already kind of reserved. I need someone to get me out of my shell. I also think about where am I going to find this guy? I think I'm pretty settled down. And there aren't any guys that have stricken me down with googly-eyed, heart-pumping, mumbling symptoms. Where is he? But then I catch myself in my daydreaming and wonder, why don't I ask God?

Because I want what I want which isn't necessarily what I need. And only God knows what I need. Unfortunately, what God knows isn't what I know. But it must be better! It has to be, it has to be!

Check one.

I got a job! I'm officially an employee at Golden Bank, N.A. My first week was pretty much a roller coaster. I've already had a few good days and some dreadful days. I'm already getting that Gah-I-have-to-work-but-I-go-anyway feeling.

I was talking to Ivan about growing up and getting a job. He mentioned that since I have a job, the next logical step is to get married. I hadn't even thought about marriage. Of course I've thought about relationships (practically all my life), but it never occurred to me that it's now. Marriage? Really? Well, of course, it depends on what you're doing and where you're at in life. But Really? But I'm not really interested in marriage just yet. Maybe a relationship though.

So now, I'm thinking about "what's next?" Where will God take me? Where will my friends and I stand in our relationships? How will my family adjust to our coming transitions? Do I focus more on my career or my family aspirations?

I guess all these questions will be answered in the future. For now, I'm going to look to God because no one else will do.

Capricorn Horoscope
Wednesday April 2, 2008

Your foundations are rattled and you need to quickly figure out the best way to maintain stability. It's really not as bad as it first appears and you could become very excited about the possibilities. The greatest obstacle could be your resistance to uncertainty. You like to feel secure by building on solid ground, but may have to live with less structure for a while. Let your exhilaration override your fears now.

wish-list

A lot has been running through my head lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the root of it all is that I wish for things that I cannot have or for change that I find impossible.

Grace's wishes that may or may not come true list: (3/08)
I wish for a...
job
baby
boyfriend
nice body
masters degree
singing career

It's times like these that I really miss my girls. Even though they're a phone call away, I find talking on the phone awkward and frightening. I'm notorious for screening my phone calls. I don't even know why I do that. Anyway, I digress. I miss them. This is where I wish I lived closer to them. I can talk to them because they lived right across the street. I can run into them between classes. I can play hooky and go out to eat lunch with them and make fun of each other.

It's not personal, it's strictly business

Why do I take things so personal? Why do I read so much into what people say or do? Why do women get so emotionally stirred?

It's not personal, it's just good business.

Right. That's why there's no women in executive boards. That's why there's a glass ceiling. We get too caught up about how we feel or how others feel rather than on cold hard facts.

I need to have this mentality. It's not personal. Don't think so much. Don't take offense. I've taken rejection before. How is this any different?

It's not, I keep telling myself, It's not. Be strong. Be faithful. Be good.

I love music.
I love singing.
I love dancing.
I love watching people dance.
I love performing.
I love playing guitar.
I love watching movies.
I love making people laugh.
I love to travel.
I love experiencing new things.
I love...love.

bored much.

For my church small group, we're going through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruits of the Spirit. It's a 10-week study guide and since we only meet once a month, this study guide is going to last the span of a year for us. woohoo. Before we meet, we're to have the section done. This past Wednesday night was our first session. It was a good one. Good one to come to since I've been back.

...I wrote this long explanation of what had spoken to me. But I decided to not ruin the book for you. I may update with spiritual epiphanies in the future. But for now, "I am bored with God and that's not good" is sufficient.

Passport Renewal

As I waited to get my passport renewed, this guy's daugther kept staring at me and waving at me. She was about 2 or 3 years old. I tried to be cool because I don't really know how to interact with kids and waved back. But she just kept staring at me and tried to inch towards me every few minutes. Her father noticed this and kept pulling her back. She shows me her drawing (which was simply some scribbles on a sheet of paper) as if to say, "Look at my awesome drawing!" I nodded and smiled. She mumbled something. And I replied, "Huh?" with a stupified expression on my face. The father smiled politely at me and went back to speaking with the agent. A few moments later, the agent reached over to the girl and exclaimed, "That's a beautiful picture! A beautiful picture!"

The little girl looked at her and then looked away and then at me and inched towards me again. The father pulled her back.

The agent says, "She doesn't like me. She keeps flirting with that lady over there."

complacency.

Don't settle. Don't settle for mediocrity. You were meant for great things. Don't let circumstances or situations determine your standards. Aim high.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.

ambiguous

Looking for a job is tough. I haven't been hired yet. I'm totally qualified and selling myself. But it's not enough. I was wondering if the fact that I look like a high school student hindering me from getting a job.

Do you have the gift of singlehood? No, I don't believe I do. I'm constantly wondering and praying about my future husband. I kind of wish I had the gift of singlehood. That would make my life so much easier. That way, I could focus on God and his plans for me. I wonder if I should pray for the gift of singlehood. But then, I'll have the fear of it coming true once I start praying for it.

Maybe I'll just stay where I am...stagnant.

Greetings, my old friend.

Amazing.

It's so weird to be back. Now that I have nothing else going on in my life besides being at home, I come back to where I started, here.

I've been through a lot of changes in the last year. I basically shifted my social group to a group of girls that I've come to love and really respect. I started off the year still unsure of who my friends were and now that I've come to the end of 2007, it's really clear to me where I value my relationships. I still have a problem maintaining my friendships but it's nice to know that I don't have to try so hard or fake so hard to please everybody now that I do things for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as selfish as that statement comes off. But my life is my own and if I can't own up to it, who will?

So, I'm in the transitioning part of my life where I need to get a job. But all I want to do is to get married!

haha.

That's funny to say as I type this. But unfortunately, it is very true. One of my longtime crushes just got engaged. And he's younger than me. I couldn't believe it. He's such a likeable guy. Many girls had a crush on him, I believe. But the upsetting part is that I got upset. Why?? Why should I be upset when I barely know this guy? Then it occured to me that I want the life he has. I want to be engaged. I want to be settled in the fact that I've found the one that I will be with for the rest of my life. I got upset because my dreams are happening to other people and it makes me wonder if they're more fortunate than I am. Here I am, at home, without a job and without a man. From my viewpoint, it looks quite pitiful and what saddens me more is that the little voice of hope in my head is very faint and distant.

I have a hard time seeing the future. haha. But I have to pray. I have to pray that even though I can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not there for me to get a hold of.

Monthly Update.

I've come to a turning point in my life. I'm going to graduate in about a month, and I'm feeling like most graduates in my position would feel, fearing the unknown. I'm afraid I'm one of those college graduates that doesn't know what she wants to do now that she's graduated and dreads people asking, "So what are you doing now that you're done with school? Are you looking for a job? Do you have a boyfriend? When are you going to grow up, little girl?"

It's so daunting that I don't want to even think about it. Yes, I'm excited to finally finish school after 4.5 years of nonexistent studying and consistent procrastination (which is not completely true, but mostly), but I want to have a constant in my life. I fear that if I don't keep myself somewhat productive I may revert back to my destructive nature.

Anyway, that's just in the back of my head. Something I'll worry about later I suppose.

ASA is good, I suppose. Asian Fest is coming up. Although I'm missing a portion of it, I'm kind of relieved. Relieved that I won't have to pretend I want to be there when a big part of me doesn't. I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't have so much responsibility weighing me down when it comes to this event, but that's not true either. Every aspect that goes to event planning is so crucial and every issue must be communicated. I want so badly for ASA to go a certain route, but even when I try, there always seems to be opposition. Therefore, I become frustrated and end up conceding. Then, I run with my tail between my legs in the other direction because I have no where else to go.

I'm afraid I don't belong anymore, anywhere. Maybe it's because I have an issue with authority. Throughout my time as an ASA officer, I've always had an issue with the president. I may have this rebellious side of me that I didn't realize until I'm about to graduate. I suppose I hate people telling me what to do. I become defensive and therefore, retaliate by avoiding the situation altogether which would explain why I'm MIA when they need me the most. Thus, making me very unreliable. It's funny because I look back and I see it had happened with every single one of them.

I sorted through my pictures once again and I realize that I have much more loyalty to AFC than to ASA. Most of my pictures are of the family I've developed in AFC rather than the major events I contributed to in ASA. But, I look at both organizations and I don't see myself anymore.

All this to say, I don't belong.

Isn't that sad? My biggest fear after graduating is knowing that I hadn't made any impact at Baylor. My biggest fear is that people won't remember me at all. It's not that I want to be a legend, but I just want to be someone who participated and contributed much to the organizations that I was involved in. Is that too much? Noo, I don't think so. I hope not at least.

One more month, just one more month.

Negotiation is life.

So I've started classes for the Fall semester. I'm hoping that these are the last set of classes that I'll be taking for at least a while. It hasn't set in that I'll be graduating soon. But I'm excited.

I learned a few things today or lately:
I'm rather slow at processing information.
My conflict style is avoiding.
I'm really bad at negotiating.

Lately, I've realized that it takes me a while to react to things. In turn, I feel like I'm also slow at processing information. I used to pride myself in being quick and understand things pretty easily. But just recently, that it isn't so. I've become lethargic and sluggish when it comes to understanding.

In my principled leadership class, we took a survey that showed which conflict style you fit into. I was avoiding. I have a low view of myself as well as in others. So, when a conflict arises in a group setting, I may have something in mind to resolve the situation but will tend to keep it to myself than cause any more problems.

I'm also taking a negotiations class. This week we've had two negotiations in class so far. I remember the professor mentioning that compromise is an option. But he told us never to compromise. He also told us to make the first offer. I didn't make the first offer, and I also compromised. I'm so disappointed in myself. I tend to hate on myself when I know there are things that I could have done to make the negotiation better, but it doesn't just apply to the negotiation. I'm also hard on myself whenever I fail in whatever situation it is.

I feel dumb.

I hate holding grudges. I do! I just can't help it though. When someone hurts me, I hold on to it, I remember it, and I won't let go of it. It's like the plague. It spreads and grows and becomes a big pain to clean up.

Wah. I want to be humble.

It's just one of those days.

Have you ever had those days where you're just running around all over the place, running on little sleep, making sure everything gets done? Yeah, today was like that for me. I don't really know what to think of these days. Yes, I'm being productive and whatnot. But by the end of the day, I'm really drained. This is what it must feel like to have a 9 to 5 job. Imagine that. I'm already a professional.

So update, I got a job, working as a telemarketer. It's funny. You don't really know what it feels like until you become one. People hanging up on you. People yelling at you for bothering them. People politely declining your offer. BUT THEN. There's that one person who's interested. My supervisor calls us the soldiers who are first sent forth to fight the good fight. Haha. Well, I hope my effort will reap good results. I hope I become a better salesman after this job.

Not only that, but I'm still looking for another job. Even though being a telemarketer sucks the life out of me, I'm still wanting to work nights so that I can be even more productive.

Then again...

If I get too busy, I'll forget. I'll forget to slow down and smell the flowers. Nah. I think I'm not the type to become a workaholic. Haha. As much as I like being productive, I love life too much to work my life away. I just like the idea of meeting new people and learning new things and earning some cash on the side all at the same time. This is temporary.

Oye, but then. I have to really find a job after I graduate. That's scary. But it'll be good because I'll have experience under my belt. Good. Good.

I hope I'm not just rationalizing things. Anyway, I'm going to go lay down. I can't believe I woke up at 9 this morning and went through the whole day without caffeine or naps. I'm so proud of myself.

the end.

Summer Movies, yay!

5/25 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6/8 - Paris, Je T’Aime, Ocean's 13
6/22 - Evan Almighty
6/29 - Ratatouille
7/4 - Transformers
7/13 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
8/3 - Bourne Ultimatum

Content.

One more, one more. I must pull through 1 more.

One more and the semester is over. I'm really excited. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to go home to see my mom, my brothers, and my dog. I can't wait to go home and start running again. I can't wait to go home and remember what city (or rather suburbia) life was like. I'm super excited to get out of here, at least for a while.

I went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate an 11 ounce sirloin. It was so good but so bad. I won't bothering rationalizing or reason my way out. I was purposely a glutton because I felt like it. Not to say, that you should always do what you feel like doing, but it was nice to eat red meat for a change. Anyway...

The other day, I was driving and thinking about happiness. What would it take for me to be happy? ...Like really happy.

It takes a lot for me to be happy. I can be happy or relatively happy for others. But for myself? I think I'm only happy for others and not for myself. And then I started to think, why is that? Why can't I be happy for myself? It's old news, but I don't think I've done anything really worthwhile for me to be happy, I guess. In my opinion, I haven't achieved any greatness. Some kids have received honors when they graduate. Some kids have scored high on their MCAT scores. Some kids have gotten lucrative jobs. Some kids have boyfriends. Most kids are going somewhere. I'm one of those kids left behind to fend for herself.

And then, Bethena's voice comes in and tells me, "You're too hard on yourself." Why am I so hard on mysef? Why can't I accept that I'm a good student? a good soccer/football/volleyball player? a good daughter? a good friend? Am I really not any of those things? Or am I just second guessing myself?

Well, maybe it's just cause I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of the past. Just when I think I've done something worthwhile, I recall the past, and suddenly, I'm muddled with the mistakes I've made and the problems I've caused or faced.

I want to be content, at least for a little while. I can't remember the last time I was content with life. It's been a while.

Maybe it's a matter of change. It's a matter of choice. If I choose to go after what I want, maybe this time I'll actually get it.

Lisa asked, "What was your favorite day?"

"That's hard," I replied. "I don't think I've had it yet."

While I was mentally searching for my favorite day, the first thing I asked myself was, when was I the happiest? Then I started to think, was it with Robert? No. Was it with my family? No. Was it with my friends? No.

Yeah, I haven't had my favorite day yet. What constitutes a favorite day anyway? When you are the happiest? When you are having the most fun? When you've accomplished the highest achievement?

I dunno.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I burnt myself the other day. At first, I was really happy. Why? Because I had a really cool scar that reminded me of Sasuke's cursed seal. However, as I stare at it more nowadays, I'm beginning to think it makes my arm look really ugly (hah) especially since it's peeling off.

I'm totally avoiding studying for finals, by the way.

High School insecurities resurfaced.

Semi-Formal was good. It was strange. I spent the entire day setting up and getting ready for the event, but I was unbelieveably energetic by the end of the night. It may have been delirium.

I went to bed thinking about the night's festivities and fell asleep thinking about all the people that I greeted. Soon after, I dreamed a dream that felt so familiar. I dreamt that I was in a cafeteria with all the people I've met throughout my years in college, the people that have come and gone, all sitting in this one cafeteria. Everyone sitting with their respective cliques. Everyone talking and having fun with the people they chose to eat with. And there I was, walking around until I would see somebody make eye contact with me. Everybody smiled that smile where they acknowledged you but didn't really have anything to say to you, you weren't important enough for them to say a few words nor were you cool enough for them to invite you to eat with them. I walked around some more and I ended up sitting with people I didn't recognize. They offered a seat and before I realized it, they had left, they had finished their food already. That's why they offered me a seat. It wasn't because they were interested in getting to know me. There I was alone, again.

Goodness. This is quite sad. I really don't understand why I feel so alone. I have people that care for me. I have people that love me. I have people. Then why am I so emotional? I dunno. I guess I figured that I would have made more substantial friends while I've been here at Baylor.

In the Land of Women

SO GOOD.

I love movies, I do.

Out of the movies I've seen lately, I liked this one the most. Maybe, it's because I haven't seen that many good movies lately. But, yeah. I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

1. Adam Brody is cute.
2. He moved in with his grandmother with the intention of taking care of her.
3. He was heart-brokened.
4. He took time to get to know his neighbor.
5. He wasn't too cool to hang out with a high school student and her younger sister.
6. He told it like it was to everybody.
7. He tried to cook for his grandmother.
8. He was vulnerable.
9. He was depressed.
10. He was real.

I wish I could meet someone close to being like Carter Webb and fall in love with him and he with me.

quiet.

I no longer have anything to say.

Sugar Free Bowl

Yesterday was AMAZING!

We played back-to-back football games for the entire day! We started at 8:15 in the morning because we were in the losers bracket. We won against VSA. I always like playing them because they're a good match to play against. Afterwards, we went to Cafe Cappucino for breakfast. It was fun listening in on Caleb's random nonsense and other miscellaneous talks at the table. Then Angela and I went to Laiyee's to take a nap. I didn't sleep much because adrenaline was still keeping me excited about playing football. I slept for maybe 10 minutes. Then it was time to watch the guys. I realized that I didn't really get the chance to cheer for the guys the whole day because the girls and I needed to practice. But we watched for a little bit and then started to warm up. They had music playing, so we started to dance and just have fun with it. We played CHI's sorority first. We beat them 25 - 0. Then it was time for the guys to play. The girls rested and once the guys finished, we played again. This time we played AED, the former champions. There was this one girl who was really hardcore. She had dislocated her knee, popped it back in, and scored a touchdown in her previous game. This time around, she hurt her knee again and STILL wanted to play. Hardcore. We ended up winning that game 6 - 2. We were suppose to play CHI-O's, but they forfeited. Next up was ISSA. Angela and I had to leave for KUMC's Benefit Concert. So we played offense and defense and then offense again and then left. We were actually on time at 6:30, and they had free pizza. Angela was really excited for free food. We waited for half an hour before we performed. Unfortunately, our performance wasn't the best. I made a lot of timing mistakes and we bumped into each other a lot. Another thing is we rushed to get back to the game. I hope Esther and Lisa aren't upset or disappointed at us for not being prepared or as prepared as we should have been. We went to Laiyee's rest for a little bit and we had to get back for our 8:15 game. Apparently, it was the team that we had played the night before where we went into overtime. If we win, we'd have to play them again to win the championship. If we lost, we'd lose the championship. We start off really shaky and really nervous. It had gotten pretty cold. By halftime, they had scored two touchdowns. BUT we weren't letting it get to us. We stayed positive and played the rest of the game to the best of our ability. We lost 14 - 0 i think.

I'm so physically tired, but i feel like i had so much fun that all my fatigue was well worth it.

Second place is good in my book. Besides, we beat A team once again! :D

Football Madness

Friday: Game @ 5:00, 10:15
Saturday: Game @ 1:45, 4:00, 7:00, 8:30

That's a whole lot of football.

God-send for Wednesday

Hungry for God
by John Fischer

Our ministry is to serve the needs of believers; our mission is to serve the needs of those who are not presently Christians. The latter can present a problem. You can't really serve someone if you don't know them, but being in relationship with those who aren't Christians can be dangerous. Old habits and old ways of life can come back to haunt us when we are around people who don't share our desire to follow Christ.

For this reason, it may be necessary to keep only Christian friends for a season, but the goal for us all is to be stronger than this. God didn't save us and leave us on earth to band together and live nice, safe little Christian lives until he returns or we die, whichever comes first. We are here to share the good news of God's forgiveness with those who don't know about it yet, and we can't do that without getting close to people who need it. We need to be close enough to people to know them, love them, identify with their need, and serve them without judging them or losing our own hold on Christ.

How will we do this? A couple suggestions to think about today: First, don't ever forget we are all sinners in need of salvation. This will help keep us from a self-righteous and judgmental attitude. We never have a perfect day. We encounter our own need to be saved all the time, because we all sin and fall short of God's glory. We lead people to Christ, not by reaching down to them from a place of invulnerable perfection, but as one thirsty person bringing another to water.

Second, remember that sin entraps everyone. Your friends who aren't Christians may very well have a soft heart to God and the truth but it's covered up by a host of things the enemy uses to blind us like fear, failure, addictions, and all sorts of false coping mechanisms. Success, power, and wealth can blind you as well. We need to ask God for the ability to look past all these distractions to the heart, because at the heart everyone is hungry for God. We were created that way.

Lord, teach us to see people as you see them. May we not give in to the things that once entrapped us. Make us keen to the lie and hungering for the truth today, and help us to find it even in those who don't know you. Remind us that we are all children when it comes to you, even the toughest among us. Show us how to love everyone and stay true to you.

(courtesy of p.cheng)

Icebox

Last year was a bad year. My heart had been picked up and broken and then picked up, but only to be broken even more. So, I started off this year with a resolution. I decided not to care what people think. I chose not to care when I need not care.

Instead, I find myself even more bitter than i was before.

I don't know why I'm so bad with people.

Part of me wants them to be in my life. To be able to have that joy of companionship with friends. Another part of me knows that I'm going to be disappointed. there's no point, grace. Why give your heart, when you know it's only going to be taken away.

Where do i stand? Will I or won't I?

People aren't perfect, I keep telling myself. Everyone makes mistakes. That's what everybody says. Nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect. Why should i expect others to be when i can't be it myself?

Don't think that saying sorry will make everything right again.

I'm not perfect. I don't want people to think that i am. I know that they don't, but my imperfection is also what's keeping me from loving and trusting people again.

I don't believe in saying sorry if I don't mean it. I don't say things unless I mean it. Words carry so much weight to me. Maybe that's why listening is my strength but more importantly my weakness. What people say means a lot to me.

In conclusion, I'm lost. I want to make everything right again. But I don't know how.

hypersensitive.

Yeah. I hate this feeling.

As a child, my parents always complained that i was overly stubborn and super sensitive. It's only when i'm not with them that i learned that about myself.

I hate people. Correction. I hate people who cancel on me. I hate people who make promises they don't keep. I hate people who put up a front. I hate people who choose to neglect others to fend for themselves.

If i hate them so much, why do i let them hurt me? Why do i choose to bring them into my life only to disappoint me.

The truth is, i don't really hate people. I don't. really, i hate myself for loving people too much. I hate myself for letting expectations and hope in people take the best of me. i hate myself most of all for choosing to give my heart when it is only taken away in spite.

So, i must retreat yet again to lick my wounds and let them heal.

please go away.

Austin, baby.

Stacy, Lisa, and I went to Austin along with Thomas, Steven, Jason, and Ron. It was a lot of fun! I hadn't expected to have so much fun. Lisa picked me at 3 and then we went to Stacy's to pick her up. Stacy needed to drop off her keys to Angela so that Angela could take care of Nala while Stacy was in Austin so we went to Laiyee's. Angela and Laiyee were working on the ASA board while watching Love Actually. I love that movie! So we stayed there for a hour watching the movie. By the time it was 4, we realized we needed to pull ourselves away. So we said our goodbyes and were off to Austin! I fell asleep on the road.

But we made it Round Rock around 5. We shopped for a while and the guys showed up. So we made plans to meet with Elaine, but Lisa and Stacy had other plans.

We knew Wong Fu was going to be in Austin showing their movie "A Moment with You." So, we went to go see if we could hang out with them while the movie was being shown. Because while they were at Baylor, we watched the movie and they sat in the corridor doing their own thing. So we assumed they would do the same in Austin. When we got to campus, I got really nervous as we were walking to Burdine Hall. I felt like a stalker but I didn't want to mention it. Once, we were inside, we heard Philip talking. Stacy walked across to the other side of the hall where there were these vending machines. She kept motioning me and Lisa to go where Philip was. She mouthed, "I feel like a stalker!" But I couldn't get enough courage to walk up to Phil. Suddenly, Lisa went across to where Stacy was. While they were devising a plan, Elaine calls so i step outside for a minute. She asked where we had parked. I told her and went back into the BUR. I couldn't make out what Lisa was saying but before i knew it, Phil came walking by while he was on the phone! Stacy and Lisa's expression on their faces were priceless. I wish i had a camera to capture it. He had remembered Stacy and we talked with him for a little while.

Once Elaine had arrived, we catched the last part of the movie. After their Q&A session, I was rushed to exit the room where the screening was being held. But before that, I noticed Minhduc and Linda were sitting in the front seat. I was so surprised. Then the UT business students were inviting people to come up to the stage for the guys to sign autographs and take pictures. So Lisa and I rushed up to the stage to take one last picture! I was really surprised and happy to realize that they hadn't forgotten me, they may have not knew my name, but they did recognize that I was from Baylor...maybe.

Afterwards, we drove around Austin looking for a place to sit and eat. We ended up at Trudy's. I had a margarita. It wasn't bad at all. Then we went to Elaine's to check out her new apartment and to figure out how to assemble her new futon. Steven and Ron had gone to Ron's place to check his place out and would meet them at Crown Plaza. It was very nice of Steven to arrange that for us. Once we got to the hotel, we settled down. Thomas was still really restless so we played 21 with shots. Afterwards, Lisa, Jason, Thomas and I went to Denny's to eat. It was fun hanging out with Jason and Thomas. Once we reached the hotel, we passed out.

The next morning, I was the first to wake up so I took the opportunity to take a shower. Then I felt like the mommy of the group as I woke everybody up with my soothing maternal voice, "Time to wake up, my children." So everybody dragged themselves out of bed. Soon enough everybody had finishing showering, changing, getting ready and then we sat ourselves in front of the television to watch Nanny McPhee. I thought this was a highlight of the trip because none of us could pull ourselves away from the TV. It was cute. I felt like we were all children again with our eyes glued to the TV with fascination. I liked that movie a lot. So wondrous.

Anyway, it was time to eat! I was so excited to go eat Korean food, even more excited that it was CHEAP korean food! Yay! I had kim chi soup and shared a plate of bulgogi with Elaine. Afterwards, we go to Coco's to get tapioca. Then we went picture crazy with self-timers on campus near the tower. It was fun! Then it was on our way back to Waco. I fell asleep on the car again, but before i knew it, we were back in Round Rock. We went back to buy Stacy's boots and Lisa's peek toe shoes.

All in all, a very enjoyable weekend.

i have issues with intimacy.

thanks.

eHarmony profile.

Agreeableness: taking care of others or taking care of yourself.

You are best described as:
USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:
Understanding
Unquestioning
Humane
Selfless
Gentle
Kindhearted
Gullible
Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

A change, if you will.

I've decided.

I'm going to be myself more.

This year. I've resolved to not care about what people think. I've decided that I'm going to be the person I choose to be, not someone everyone else expects me to be.

How much of my life do I live for God and how much of my life do I live for myself?

I was thinking that the other night. I'm finally at that point where I can be relatively content with who I am and where I'm at. But God doesn't want me that way, does He? He wants me to step out of my comfort zone, to be courageous and not settle for anything less than greatness. Sometimes, that means I need to be stripped down of my inequities and be humbled and broken-hearted.

Where is that line where I can be confident and proud in myself and yet be worthy of God's calling?

a note.

It’s been two years since we went to Las Vegas. I just came back from Las Vegas. When I arrived at Las Vegas, I realized the last time I was there, I was there with you. Then I started to think about all that has happened in the last two years. I hate how we ended things. I don’t know if it was my fault or how the circumstances led us there.

I just wish we had made things more clear. I remember asking you about us, but I don’t think I ever really got an answer.

My heart is broken. I’m sorry you had to break it.

I hear you have a girlfriend now. I wish the best for the two of you.

Long day.

I woke up at 10 today feeling kind of happy which was good. I had a final today at 2. It was okay I guess. I was so nervous. My final was for guitar. Aye. I have a real problem with getting my rhythm and tempo in sync. My guitar class was probably the class that I enjoyed the most because I see my progress and see results of my hard work, my time, and my effort. Afterwards, I went home. And a little while later, Mika calls me and tells me that they're shaving Eric's head. I was super excited so I got my camera and ran over to Andrew's to see the event. It was awesome. Eric had a mullet by the time I got there and Andrew did most of the dirty work. Later on, Hongya trimmed and shaped a little more. Just as I thought we were finished, the guys suggest that Eric gets a fade because there was a knick on the side of his head. So Daniel fixes it. Afterwards, it looked a lot better. I was really hungry by this time because I was waiting for the girls to call me for lunch. By this time it was 4:30pm. So Steve and I went to Dairy Queen. Then I dropped by Stacy's place. Then I went to Cameron Park to watch Andrew and Anthony burn their books. It was rather cool. Then we went to go eat BW3s and it had only been 2 hours before that I had eaten. After BW3s, Mika and I went to Cheddar's to get dessert. Then I brought my gamecube over to Mika's to play. We played Super Smash Bros for a couple of hours. Then Daniel brought over Mario Tennis and Mario Kart. We played that for awhile. I don't know what time we stopped but I think it was around 2:30am. For an hour and a half, we talked and joked around and interrogated Hongya. It was entertaining. At around 4, the guys decide to go eat and I go with them because I'm still not tired. We went to IHOP and that's the last time I ate.

The point of this blog is what I'm about to express. By the time it's the end of the day and while I'm writing this blog, I'm sad and feeling kind of shitty. While we were at IHOP, we talked about Peter, saying how he was pretty much set once he got to college. His life was in line. And then, we talked about Hongya, saying how he is pretty smart and going places too. Then I asked Daniel and Steve how it feels to be super seniors. Both of them said, "Pretty crappy." Steve said that people are getting jobs, getting into med school, and just getting on with their lives. Daniel said that everybody has left while he's still here in school.

And then, I thought maan, it really isn't that great of a feeling, knowing that you are behind and everyone else is going forward and it seems like you're standing still in time.

And now, I'm just fearful of going home at all. I am a failure and it sucks knowing that.

But you make the best of it...

I can't sleep. Maybe if I sleep I'll just forget all my worries. I hope. Please.

Ramblings.

I had a dream and in that dream, my friends were telling me to update my blog.

So, here am I, updating my blog for you, my friends in my dream.

Man, finals are almost over. I have one more tomorrow. And I really don't want to take it. But I must. I like the feeling of how as each final I finish, the less stressed I feel. But then again, I'm reminded that I have to go home. And home. is sometimes where I least want to be. It's quite sad how I do not miss home. I miss my family but I don't miss that house that I live in. That house should be the thing that I look forward to. My room, my bed, my memories, my treasured gifts from friends. Oddly enough, I'm scared of going home. Maybe it's cause my Dad will be there and it'll be the first time in a year that I'll see him. I'm hoping he'll love me and show enough compassion for me just as that man did for his prodigal son.

In my dream, my dad was in there too. Strangely enough, he was rather depressed. I don't know exactly why he was depressed but he wasn't his usual self or the Dad that I remember before he left for China.

I'm really afraid to see my Dad. There. I said it. I'm afraid to see Dad. I'm hoping he doesn't criticize me or chastise me about my grades or about my body or anything about me that could possibly hurt me all over again.

Another thing that's on my mind, if you guys are curious, is that I'm really pessimistic. Yeah, I know I mentioned this once before, but lately, it's been blatantly clear in my head that I'm very cynical. Maybe I'm not pessimistic, maybe I'm just cynical. I don't take things at face value. I have this tendency to be skeptical. I always push for people to tell me more. Instead of just a few words. Unfortunately, people only want a few words out of me, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, I ramble. I think I just realized my pattern. I hate boys. Because, well, they hurt you. And the worst part of it is that they don't realize that they've hurt you unless you tell them. I didn't tell either one of them. I guess to fake that I'm okay or that I'm strong or that I'm better without you which is all true...but at what price? my broken heart?

My heart is broken at least for awhile. In fact, it'll be a long while before I'm interested in anybody. I should have learned that that first time around.

boys are rotten.

But I have to have hope right? God has somebody in store for me, right? There must be a guy that can take my stubborn-ness, my cynicism, and my depression, right? I hope he doesn't take me at face value. That would be a bummer. I hope he takes the good in with the bad. I have good qualities. Actually, I think I'm an awesome catch. Boys should be lining up to meet me. haha. But only in my dreams right? yeah. But it's okay. I'll live only for God now. That's all I really want to do anyway.

Christmas wish-list

Since I have a couple of hours to spare before i study for another final, I've decided to compile a wish-list.

• a peacoat
• a wii
• an apple shuffle
• puma shoes
• nike shocks
• GAP hoodie
• Love Actually
• and a boyfriend (preferably Rain or Justin Timberlake)

:)

dah.

it happened aagaain.

I saw a guy. Mixed. Tall. Stylish.

Immediately, I was attracted.

But of course, he's got a girlfriend.

Why does this happen to me? Why am I always attracted to guys that are taken? For once, I'd like to meet boyfriend material that isn't already a boyfriend!

Rant.

Again, I fall short.

I hurt my lower back.
I twisted my ankle.
I lost my voice.
I walked in 20 degree weather in a skirt while wearing sandals.
I also got my period.

It's just one of those days where you're like... "What the hell was I thinking?!"

Stacy's right, I'm a little moody.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's finals' time. Maybe it's cause i'm lonely.

that's it. that last one.

Again, the weather gets colder and BAM! i have this need or desire for intimacy or closeness with a guy. I guess it's always been this way. I got a compliment from someone, I was super happy. Then, I saw a couple today holding hands and i started to cry. Then, somebody irked me just a little bit and i blew up inside. My emotions are all over the place. I'm super emotional and it distresses me to no end. I hate instability. I hate that I can't control myself and my hormonal changes. I hate how one thing can make me happy and how another thing occuring immediately after can make me so upset.

I hate being critical of myself and of others. I hate judging people based upon their merit. I hate competing with everyone to get somewhere I don't necessarily want to be. I hate pretending to be happy. I hate being alone. I hate knowing that at the end of the day, all I have is myself to deal with. I hate dealing with myself.

I can't be alone.

i suck at life.

i've been depressed lately.

i can't really put my finger on why i am like this exactly. i feel so useless. i keep trying to put up this image of always being happy about life and what it has to offer. But really, what is it about this life am i really happy about? God tells us to rejoice always.

rejoice always.

i don't know what that means or i don't really know how to do that. I really don't know if God is on my side anymore.

i've been in so much stress and in so much pain that i'm so confused. Confused about what keeps me from jumping off a cliff. What makes me wake up each morning and forces me out of bed.

TAX ACCOUNTING.

I hate you, tax.

I've been thinking, why am i attracted to unavailable men?

I recently meant this guy and when i saw him, i instantly thought he was cute, not necessarily my type, but most definitely cute. Just when i thought we might be friends or even more, i find out he's married!

My theory is (in no particular precedence):
1. all the good ones are taken
2. i want what i can't have

How sad.

Fall Break.

My Fall Break has gone to waste. I didn't do anything! I was suppose to study for my two tests and one quiz in the last two days, but i just bummed around and slept. I think i've been emo lately.

I put Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" on repeat. The song makes me want to forget all of my worries and pains. But it's not as easy as the song claims it to be.

On a lighter note, football has been going great! We've won two games and we're in the playoffs! it's an awesome feeling to know that all of our hard work is paying off.