"As I Began to Love Myself..." by Charlie Chaplin

"As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE."

sacrifice

I think my new best friend is...my mom! No joke. I've spoken to her a handful of times since my trip home in April. She and I catch up on what's going on in our respective places or the latest family gossip, and it's become comfortable and comforting to express our feelings. People always say their mom is the best. But how can everyone's mom be the best? I guess, best is relative to what they know and have experienced. But I really do think my mom is the best. lol.

She truly epitomizes the word "sacrifice". Today, my boss says, "it's payday! but also, it's payment day..." She says that having children, you don't realize how much you rack up in credit card bills. She says she ends up spending more on her children than herself. And she'd rather have it that way. My mom is no different. She has sacrificed her time, money, and energy to her family and still does the same to this day. She has a truly gentle spirit, always quick to listen rather than speak. Her heart is somehow always full and always giving to her family and friends. She is most likely the most Christ-like example in my life.

Back to this Mom-being-my-best-friend...I never thought in a million years that this would be the case. But it's definitely for the better because with each visit, I see my parents aging. It does get disheartening that my trips back usually involve many visits to the hospital or reports on their health. I hope my trip next year would be more exclusive to spending more quality time, perhaps a true family vacation.

Sweet and naive

I went on a date last week with a nice fellow. There were moments where his face reminded me of Michael Fassbender. He was smaller in stature than I had expected. We had a nice, pleasant conversation. I didn't feel a spark between us...from him or myself. By the end, he excused himself for needing rest, and I was shocked that he didn't walk me to my car. But, he did pay for dinner! He sent me a message later on saying he had enjoyed himself and the message included his number and that I could text him if i wanted to...

It was indifference. Like "Hey you're cool but not cool enough for me to ask for your number and pursue you."  Or, he had met with me and I was either not as attractive (physically, personality, intellectually) as he had thought or he realized he wasn't ready for the whole dating scene since his divorce which I assume was recent.

I talked with Mom yesterday. I told her about the date and expressed that I didn't feel any "電" which is odd because it's the first time I hadn't felt a connection with a date. With the men that I've met over the last year, there has always been some sort of "spark". I wondered if it's a sign that I've gotten a change of heart or something that I haven't put my finger on just yet.

Mom said something nice in response. She said that I just need to remember to "be me" with these men. She said that I'm a sweet girl and the men I've dated probably noticed this quality about me early on. So, they were unable to commit to someone like me and instinctively ended things before getting too involved in fear of something serious or fear of getting hurt... or possibly hurting a sweet girl like me.

The Eagle Scout

He swiped right for me. We met for wine. He was unexpectedly attractive and attracted. We had so many wonderful moments. Improv Comedy Night with a side of Jack. Skating in Discovery Green. Cruising around enjoying the Lights. Birthday steak and wine for a night in. Home decor shopping in Goodwill.

Everything seemed perfect and smooth. Up until one moment. Then, a whirlwind of fears. A change of heart. Commitment phobia. Emotional unavailability. Silence. Rejection rears its terrible head in my corner.

I tell myself each time that I'll learn from my mistakes. I'll do better next time. I remind myself this isn't my first time to deal with this bitch named Heartbreak.

I can't control others' feelings towards me.

I have to let go of the anguish/despair of having someone...not love me back.

If he had wanted to, he'd make the time for me as he once did.

I'm dealing with the sames issues as before...what a horrendous cycle.

Adulting

Last week marked my 3-month anniversary being back in the states for an indefinite amount of time. I feel like I've aged significantly. There are so many strands of white hair that I've lost count. But with that, comes my freedom which I really do cherish.

Now I know how the guys at KC were feeling. The choice to choose what you want to do. Where you want to go. Who you want to be. I relish in the fact that all these feelings are new and liberating. Something I've never had the pleasure of enjoying. And now, at 32, I can say that I am. Yes, it will be difficult at times to make ends meet, but all of this, will be my decision. I am responsible for what comes next. Scary, but invigorating.

a rap endeavor

I went to karaoke with a coworker and friends last week. I love singing karaoke. I can't let go of the mic sometimes. There was this guy who also liked to sing. For Evanescence's My Immortal, he exclaimed, "I need a girl!" I replied, "I'm a girl!" Too bad the third mic wasn't working. It didn't stop me though. I belted out the girl part like the diva I wish I was. As the night continued, I drank more and stole the mic whenever I could. For one particular song, I think it was the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I had the mic in my hand from the previous song, and suddenly, Josh snatched it out of my hands. I yelled, "Hey!" The guy next to me saw and gave me that look like I can't believe he did that either. And he did it again sometime later. So rude! One of the songs I entered was Nicki Minaj's Super Bass as a joke because Kailee liked to sing that song at her place. I had a good time rapping and everyone was impressed.

So, I have decided to start learning rap songs to perform at karaoke. Because they're fun and not many girls are good at rapping. I think it'll be a fun hobby and maybe improve my speaking skills even more, not like I need them.

I want to start becoming a better story teller. So, I'll start recording stories here because they may be too personal or long to post on Facebook.

Back in 2006, I went to Vegas with Elaine and Haena to go see Rain in concert. I knew about him, but I wouldn't say I was a big hardcore fan of his music. They were enjoyable, but I don't think I knew his songs well enough to feel like I got my money's worth. I simply went to Vegas because I wanted to go crazy.

I wasn't a big party girl while in college. I rarely, if ever, went to clubs while in Waco. The club scene just wasn't appealing enough. But I was 21 and felt like if I had to pop my club cherry, the only way to do it was in Vegas.

Our first night there, we went to Jet. We had a pre-party in the room with a lot of shots. So by the time we got to the club, I was tipsy. I was with our group for a little bit, but then decided to wander off. I started dancing with this random guy. He was getting way too touchy. I would push him away, but he'd come back for more. I liked the attention and his persistence, so I played hard-to-get some more. By this time, I was getting messages to return to the group. As I left him, I saw the shocked look he had on his face, but I didn't care. As I approached the group, a very good-looking blonde guy stopped my tracks. We had a short funny conversation.

He says, "Hey, you're hot! Where are you from?
"Texas!"
"Cool, I'm from L.A.!"
"Hey! Me too!"
[Confused look.]
He grabs my ass. And I slap it away.
"Do you want to come up to my room and play Scrabble?"
"Scrabble? I'd own you in Scrabble. In fact, I'd OWN YOUR MOM IN SCRABBLE!"
[OOH, burned face]
I walk away. I finally got to the group. I asked Haena to look at the guy to see if he was hot. She says, "HE'S SO HOT." Aye, missed encounters.

I still can't believe how much control I had over my alcohol and sexuality. In some ways, I wish I still had it.

the ones that got away

I've noticed that the men I've dated have all been assholes in one way or another. Maybe they aren't really assholes, but it certainly felt like they were after they took their exit.I was too blinded by my emotions to see that each one of them has hurt me in one way or another.

1. He was the first guy that I had a crush on while in college. He was sweet to me. He made me laugh. He always wanted to find time to talk to me. But he never made a move or made a distinctive point to ask me out. The asshole who led me on.
2. He made promises. He declared his affection for me. He devoted his time to care for me. He graduated and move away. He had wandering eyes. The asshole who cheated on me.
3. He just wanted to stay in. He never came to pick me up for a date...I always went to his place. He'd call when he was horny. The asshole who used me for sex.
4. He pursued me. He wanted to see me again. He enjoyed our conversations. He called me "gorgeous." He lives a 40-minute bus ride away. The asshole who just wasn't interested.
5. He thought I was a good dancer. He was attracted me the moment he met me. The asshole who doesn't call.
6. He was a self-proclaimed romantic. He loves movies. He would die for his friends. He bought my plane ticket. He asked me to the Ball. He wished for "the One." He romanced me. He told me I was beautiful. He started to doubt the relationship would work. He wasn't willing to fight for me. The asshole who broke my heart.

Fitness goals

Hello, again. I've missed you, sweet blog. You've always been good to me, taking down my memories and thoughts since the start. You've been my constant through thick and thin.

I finally bought fitness shorts.It's meant to motivate me to start running again. I've always hated running, and I still do. I know it's the best cardio because it gets your heart going much quicker than swimming and you can practically run anywhere. I've got the shorts. Maybe once I see and feel results, I'll get the fitness shirt to complete my outfit.

I hope to start and maintain a running habit into the spring. 

Boom Clap

Summer has begun!

I've been trying to read more often these days now that I have more time on my hands. It got me thinking about how I haven't been writing much. So, here I am!

There are so many movies that I'm anticipating. I just hope that they show here in Taipei. Guardians of the Galaxy is coming out this weekend. I'm eager to see it. Lucy comes out late August.

I'm contemplating an island trip soon. Maybe Japan? Maybe Philippines? I need one desperately.

sweet dream amongst nightmares

Finally, a nice sweet dream. I was in the company of a few other foreigners and one of them included Henry Cavill. *swoon

I had walked away to use the restroom. I went back to the waiting room and saw HC on the arm of the couch reading a magazine and two others having an intelligent conversation, so I sat on the opposite side of them and kind of dwindled my fingers. After a few moments, HC came over and started a conversation with me and was super sweet and charming.

It was wondrous. I haven't felt giddy in a long time. And even though it was brief and unreal, it was a nice change from the string of nightmares I've been having.

zombies

What a frightening dream. I don't know where it began, but it seemed as if I was being picked up from the airport and already distraught from the news of a zombie apocalypse. D (surprisingly) was the one to pick me up and my one request was for him to hold me and not let go while we walked through the abandoned streets. And he agreed. As we walked down the streets, I would see zombies out of the corner of my eye and D assured me that they wouldn't harm me which I thought was odd. Once we were more removed from the zombies, I tried looking for my mother hoping she was still human. After searching for a while, I found my mom except she didn't really acknowledge me. But I went with her anyway.

That night there was a dinner that I was obligated to attend and wasn't sure why. It turned out that the zombies weren't attacking because of an agreement made. There was a sacrifice to made on behalf of human kind which would happen the day after. After that, the zombies will live in peace with us. But I was very skeptical to think the zombies would just agree to live with us. So, the next day, I went to my house awaiting the sacrifice to be made so that we can go back to normalcy. But. I was wrong. An undead woman came to my door, trying to break in. And I kept her out until she reached the back door. I told her to go away, but she said, "you are not going to keep me from coming in." Soon the bolts for the door started to shake and I started to scream for fear of my life. Then I woke up.

I've been having many nightmares lately. I'm not sure why. I hope I have sweeter dreams tonight.

life is moving too fast, I can't catch up

Oh dear, many of my good or close friends are getting married or having babies. It's here. It was inevitable. Life is speeding past me, I don't know how to run faster.

What to do.

28

It only just recently struck me that I'm 28 years old. It happened when I met up P and J a few days ago. They came to Taipei for vacation and it was so amazing to see them here. I get super excited when I have friends come visit me, and there have been quite a few who have purposely chosen to meet me which really warms my heart. But anyway, we met up to go to eat lunch, walk through the National Palace Museum, got milk tea, walked around to find a parlor, picked up a 12 boxes of pineapple cakes, and ate spicy hot pot. We had good conversations all around, mainly to catch up and share stories of what our lives have been about these last few years. Now that I've had to time to slow down and recollect our past, I can't believe it's been nearly 10 years since we've known each other, that's when my age had finally hit me. Not in a bad way, but a wow, time surely has passed kind of way. We've all grown up and moved on with our lives in our separate directions. We were so young and naive back in college, and now, probably still young and naive, but at least, prepared to face the world as it comes knowing that there's always room to grow and learn.

Hiking in Filial Son Mountain

There were just so many funny moments on this hike that I need to record it somewhere before I forget.

N: I feel like I'm walking like a fat person.
J: I'm sorry for touching your butt.
G: This was not what I was expecting.
S: Slow pace.
G: I look like I rolled around in mud.
A: He needs to fill his pants.
G: Why are you fixated on his ass?

It was a grueling 5.5 hours of hiking followed by the lantern festival and all of it was well worth it.

Recently, I've noticed that I'm enjoying all my physical activities. I'm much more active than I have ever been. Even though my body hasn't been showing the effort I've put into it, I feel much healthier and lighter. Swimming, walking, and occasionally hiking, consciously aware of what I'm eating...all have been good habits that I've adopted since moving to Taipei. I know that I would not do the same in Texas, lol.

going out

Saturday night was great. Elaine invited me to have dinner with her family. By then, I had hung out with her family quite a few times and felt like I was a part of their family in some way. That night, E's dad was treating her mom's whole side of the family which included her "half" family. I still find it wild that her grandfather had two wives and each wife has 4 children who has had children which means a very confused me. I kept asking who was related to who and who's child is who's. It's so wild but at the same time so amazing. Because she has such a big family and everyone is still very much close or at the very least cordial and willing to meet for family reunions. Her dad's side of the family is also huge. Anyway...

So, I went to 京華城 around 5pm. I arrived early so I walked around a bit. As the elevator door opens up to go to the 9th floor, I saw that it was nearly full but I recognized E's cousin and I quickly realized everyone in the elevator was part of E's family and E was in the back! lol. So, there were two rooms -- one for the adults, one for the children and both had karaoke. There were approximately 40 people in attendance and it was really fun. After dinner, we were headed to Club Pasoul. E's cousin had connections to a lot of clubs so he got us in for free even though he wasn't there; he just spoke to the cashier and we were in. The club itself was nice. It had a very lounge-y feel to it. Once we got in, we decided to get drinks. As we waited, I was sad to see no one dancing. While we stood there with our drinks, a host came by and offered the empty tables to us and it was 1000NT which wasn't bad at all. R mentioned her cousin said that once you get the drink coupon, get a drink, and they'll give you free drink refills. I was almost in disbelief until we saw people going up to the bar with empty glasses and pitchers. I was thinking, "this is too good to be true!" Once I saw someone get a refill, my spirit was lifted and I was immediately overjoyed. I haven't felt that excited about anything until that point. I stuck with whiskey and coke all night.

The DJ was playing house music up until maybe 11:30p. Once he started playing top 40, we started to feel loose and dancey. R and I went to the dance floor when there weren't that much people. But suddenly a flood of people came unto the dance floor and to my surprise, most of them were guys! It was weird. So, I walked to our tables because it was getting too crowded. A funny moment was when Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" came on, we all got excited because she's from Houston and A yelled, "Houston reppin' in the house!"

It was my first official club experience in Taipei and it was a decent one especially because of the free drink refills.

dream man

Dear The Man in my Dreams,

You are exactly what I want. You know exactly what to say to give me chills and butterflies. You know what to do to make me smile and giddy. Your smile makes my heart melt. Your touch feels more real to me than my last handshake. 

I wish...I could stay with you forever. 

meanderings

I miss the days when blogging was the prominent thing to do amongst my friends. I remember the first year I entered college, xanga was on everyone's daily to-do list. Whether it was recording the day's happenings, reflections, tragedies, comedies, anything-- at least one friend would update on something!

I'm determined to bring it back, somehow. lol. Okay, maybe not so much. I haven't publicly chronicled my journey in this foreign land. Is it about time that I do?

Probably. I've already had way too many fob moments. I've been forgetting words, forming incorrect sentences, and looking up the dictionary for words I inherently know the meaning to...

If I consistently blog, it'll help me maintain proper English and put my thoughts in writing. Which brings me back to my original thought. lol. I wish more people blogged because I would feel more connected to my friends and keep me inspired to write my own thoughts on this little spec.

He said, "You're more beautiful in person than you are in your photo." :)

That was the most memorable line of the date.

So I went on a date with a boy. He wanted to eat sukiyaki, so we met up after my class to eat lunch. With this being our first meeting after a couple skype conversations, I went into the date with the expectation of making a friend. Thus, it turned out to be very casual and brief. He wasn't exactly sure of the location of the restaurant, so I found it kind of ironic that I was leading the two of us to a restaurant he had been to before. I tried to make sure our conversation flowed because we already had a language barrier. Lunch was good. I enjoyed that he was thoughtful in making sure I ate the foods I liked. Once we were done eating though, the conversation started to feel strained. I think I felt I was beginning to irritate him, maybe? I was asking a lot of questions and at one point, felt like I was prying.   He misunderstood me when I asked, "Was the divorce recent?" He began to say, "I don't know the reason..." Then, I repeated myself to avoid correcting him. And he thought for a moment, and shorted with, "That doesn't matter."


Maybe I shouldn't ask about someone's parents' divorce, maybe? Maybe that's a memo I missed. 


Once that moment passed, I just decided to keep it cool and aloof. We paid our checks separately and were on our way to the movie theater to watch the Amazing Spiderman. Again, I led the way. Once we arrived at the theater, the next movie time available was 8:45pm which was like 6 hours later. So he decided to go home because he was waiting for a call. We parted ways and that was it.

I don't think this guy knows how to woo a girl -- much like many Taiwanese guys. Even though I had the expectation of gaining a friendship, I don't think he can afford to be so passive about relationships at his age. Is that judgmental? Probably.

To be completely honest, I seem to be easily bored with the dates I've been on. There's that first initial twinge of excitement about meeting with someone new and possibly interesting -- full of promise and potential. But as the date progresses, I find myself losing interest, bored, and disappointed.

massage envy

Today, I went to get a full body massage and a facial with my aunt. I've always been wary of people touching me -- I even flinch when friends try to hug me. But I'm always up for a new experience and I heard Taiwanese massage spas are the best. The spa is a short walk from Ming Yao heading south and was a quaint little place that reminds me of a Japanese cottage in the woods or something. I stripped down and took a quick rinse. My masseuse looked like she was in her early 20s. She told me to lay face down. She started with my legs and told me to tell her what level of pressure was comfortable for me. To be honest, she was so strong and everything she did hurt, but I didn't say anything. I could feel myself tense up each time she massaged against my muscles. Once she was done with my legs, she started working on my back. It was quiet up until the time she started on my arms. She saw my tattoo and excitedly started to ask me questions about if it hurt and how she wouldn't do it herself. I'm glad she broke the ice because that's when I started to loosen up. We exchanged questions about life here, our families, and boys :p Then it was time for my front side. By then, I was much more relaxed. The body massage was for an hour and then the following hour was the facial. I liked the facial very much. Once she was finished, I got up and had trouble walking straight -- my calves were killing me. lol. It was an overall enjoyable experience. My aunt already scheduled me for another  one next Friday.

She bought a 100-session deal for 4,000NT, 400NT per 2-hour session is like 15USD. It's an amazing deal. I think a regular session is about 800NT which is still cheaper than it is in the states. And I assume the quality is much better too...oh I'm sore.

costco

Taipei has two Costco locations!! My goodness, once I walked in, I felt like I was in the states again buying bulk. Except all the bulk items now are in Chinese.

After we finished, I ran straight towards the deli to buy a polish and drink for 50NT. #simplejoy