Again, I woke up with the same song. I don't know why I'm excited. I just seem to wake up on such a good mood. Anyway, I looked back on the posts that I've had within the last two months or so. I haven't really been saying much about how I've been. I suppose it's the idea of I don't want to be personalized to strangers, or even friends, that much anymore. Or perhaps it's the idea that my life has been pretty incomplete without God. Yeah, I talked to my good friend, Larissa about my backsliding and how I don't want to unconsciously or unknowingly put pride before my spiritual growth. I'm beginning to think this last year has. She told me that, yeah, church is a priority. But God does not succumb under the propriety of church. He continues to be the foundation of grace and love and power and authority. She herself does not approve of the church and its ways but she loves God to her fullest. through just talking to her, I find myself missing the things of God. Those nightly prayers, those worship hours with just Him and I, those talks of love and intimacy with brothers and sisters. I do miss it. I'm inadvertently shrugging off God while thinking that I'm doing the right thing of leaving the church. I didn't leave for anyone else. I thought I left for the lack of spiritual growth. But in all honesty, I think I left for selfish reasons, not because of God, which at the time, I thought I WAS doing it for God. But i confess, I cannot live without God. I also scanned through wynette's archives of her blog. I had wanted to find some kind of hint of information so i could buy a present for her. I found myself reading about her first encounter with my old church. I remember that first time we met. It was right after the weekend of a great retreat so I was feeling very friendly and loved and all giddy about God. I talked to her voluntarily. At first, I thought she was scared of me because of my forwardness. But I didn't really think about it too much. Anyway, she displayed a great deal of transparency on her blog. I admire that in people. Whether it be through conversations or journals, I adore people who are real with others. That takes guts. She reminded me of the realness of God and how he does work in miraculous ways. I also got reminded I'm suppose to live 100% to God. Not just a bit by bit kind of thing. But rather a full comprehension of His majesty. I've been pretty blinded. So help me see.