wish-list

A lot has been running through my head lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the root of it all is that I wish for things that I cannot have or for change that I find impossible.

Grace's wishes that may or may not come true list: (3/08)
I wish for a...
job
baby
boyfriend
nice body
masters degree
singing career

It's times like these that I really miss my girls. Even though they're a phone call away, I find talking on the phone awkward and frightening. I'm notorious for screening my phone calls. I don't even know why I do that. Anyway, I digress. I miss them. This is where I wish I lived closer to them. I can talk to them because they lived right across the street. I can run into them between classes. I can play hooky and go out to eat lunch with them and make fun of each other.

It's not personal, it's strictly business

Why do I take things so personal? Why do I read so much into what people say or do? Why do women get so emotionally stirred?

It's not personal, it's just good business.

Right. That's why there's no women in executive boards. That's why there's a glass ceiling. We get too caught up about how we feel or how others feel rather than on cold hard facts.

I need to have this mentality. It's not personal. Don't think so much. Don't take offense. I've taken rejection before. How is this any different?

It's not, I keep telling myself, It's not. Be strong. Be faithful. Be good.

I love music.
I love singing.
I love dancing.
I love watching people dance.
I love performing.
I love playing guitar.
I love watching movies.
I love making people laugh.
I love to travel.
I love experiencing new things.
I love...love.

bored much.

For my church small group, we're going through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruits of the Spirit. It's a 10-week study guide and since we only meet once a month, this study guide is going to last the span of a year for us. woohoo. Before we meet, we're to have the section done. This past Wednesday night was our first session. It was a good one. Good one to come to since I've been back.

...I wrote this long explanation of what had spoken to me. But I decided to not ruin the book for you. I may update with spiritual epiphanies in the future. But for now, "I am bored with God and that's not good" is sufficient.

Passport Renewal

As I waited to get my passport renewed, this guy's daugther kept staring at me and waving at me. She was about 2 or 3 years old. I tried to be cool because I don't really know how to interact with kids and waved back. But she just kept staring at me and tried to inch towards me every few minutes. Her father noticed this and kept pulling her back. She shows me her drawing (which was simply some scribbles on a sheet of paper) as if to say, "Look at my awesome drawing!" I nodded and smiled. She mumbled something. And I replied, "Huh?" with a stupified expression on my face. The father smiled politely at me and went back to speaking with the agent. A few moments later, the agent reached over to the girl and exclaimed, "That's a beautiful picture! A beautiful picture!"

The little girl looked at her and then looked away and then at me and inched towards me again. The father pulled her back.

The agent says, "She doesn't like me. She keeps flirting with that lady over there."

complacency.

Don't settle. Don't settle for mediocrity. You were meant for great things. Don't let circumstances or situations determine your standards. Aim high.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.

ambiguous

Looking for a job is tough. I haven't been hired yet. I'm totally qualified and selling myself. But it's not enough. I was wondering if the fact that I look like a high school student hindering me from getting a job.

Do you have the gift of singlehood? No, I don't believe I do. I'm constantly wondering and praying about my future husband. I kind of wish I had the gift of singlehood. That would make my life so much easier. That way, I could focus on God and his plans for me. I wonder if I should pray for the gift of singlehood. But then, I'll have the fear of it coming true once I start praying for it.

Maybe I'll just stay where I am...stagnant.

Greetings, my old friend.

Amazing.

It's so weird to be back. Now that I have nothing else going on in my life besides being at home, I come back to where I started, here.

I've been through a lot of changes in the last year. I basically shifted my social group to a group of girls that I've come to love and really respect. I started off the year still unsure of who my friends were and now that I've come to the end of 2007, it's really clear to me where I value my relationships. I still have a problem maintaining my friendships but it's nice to know that I don't have to try so hard or fake so hard to please everybody now that I do things for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as selfish as that statement comes off. But my life is my own and if I can't own up to it, who will?

So, I'm in the transitioning part of my life where I need to get a job. But all I want to do is to get married!

haha.

That's funny to say as I type this. But unfortunately, it is very true. One of my longtime crushes just got engaged. And he's younger than me. I couldn't believe it. He's such a likeable guy. Many girls had a crush on him, I believe. But the upsetting part is that I got upset. Why?? Why should I be upset when I barely know this guy? Then it occured to me that I want the life he has. I want to be engaged. I want to be settled in the fact that I've found the one that I will be with for the rest of my life. I got upset because my dreams are happening to other people and it makes me wonder if they're more fortunate than I am. Here I am, at home, without a job and without a man. From my viewpoint, it looks quite pitiful and what saddens me more is that the little voice of hope in my head is very faint and distant.

I have a hard time seeing the future. haha. But I have to pray. I have to pray that even though I can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not there for me to get a hold of.

Monthly Update.

I've come to a turning point in my life. I'm going to graduate in about a month, and I'm feeling like most graduates in my position would feel, fearing the unknown. I'm afraid I'm one of those college graduates that doesn't know what she wants to do now that she's graduated and dreads people asking, "So what are you doing now that you're done with school? Are you looking for a job? Do you have a boyfriend? When are you going to grow up, little girl?"

It's so daunting that I don't want to even think about it. Yes, I'm excited to finally finish school after 4.5 years of nonexistent studying and consistent procrastination (which is not completely true, but mostly), but I want to have a constant in my life. I fear that if I don't keep myself somewhat productive I may revert back to my destructive nature.

Anyway, that's just in the back of my head. Something I'll worry about later I suppose.

ASA is good, I suppose. Asian Fest is coming up. Although I'm missing a portion of it, I'm kind of relieved. Relieved that I won't have to pretend I want to be there when a big part of me doesn't. I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't have so much responsibility weighing me down when it comes to this event, but that's not true either. Every aspect that goes to event planning is so crucial and every issue must be communicated. I want so badly for ASA to go a certain route, but even when I try, there always seems to be opposition. Therefore, I become frustrated and end up conceding. Then, I run with my tail between my legs in the other direction because I have no where else to go.

I'm afraid I don't belong anymore, anywhere. Maybe it's because I have an issue with authority. Throughout my time as an ASA officer, I've always had an issue with the president. I may have this rebellious side of me that I didn't realize until I'm about to graduate. I suppose I hate people telling me what to do. I become defensive and therefore, retaliate by avoiding the situation altogether which would explain why I'm MIA when they need me the most. Thus, making me very unreliable. It's funny because I look back and I see it had happened with every single one of them.

I sorted through my pictures once again and I realize that I have much more loyalty to AFC than to ASA. Most of my pictures are of the family I've developed in AFC rather than the major events I contributed to in ASA. But, I look at both organizations and I don't see myself anymore.

All this to say, I don't belong.

Isn't that sad? My biggest fear after graduating is knowing that I hadn't made any impact at Baylor. My biggest fear is that people won't remember me at all. It's not that I want to be a legend, but I just want to be someone who participated and contributed much to the organizations that I was involved in. Is that too much? Noo, I don't think so. I hope not at least.

One more month, just one more month.

Negotiation is life.

So I've started classes for the Fall semester. I'm hoping that these are the last set of classes that I'll be taking for at least a while. It hasn't set in that I'll be graduating soon. But I'm excited.

I learned a few things today or lately:
I'm rather slow at processing information.
My conflict style is avoiding.
I'm really bad at negotiating.

Lately, I've realized that it takes me a while to react to things. In turn, I feel like I'm also slow at processing information. I used to pride myself in being quick and understand things pretty easily. But just recently, that it isn't so. I've become lethargic and sluggish when it comes to understanding.

In my principled leadership class, we took a survey that showed which conflict style you fit into. I was avoiding. I have a low view of myself as well as in others. So, when a conflict arises in a group setting, I may have something in mind to resolve the situation but will tend to keep it to myself than cause any more problems.

I'm also taking a negotiations class. This week we've had two negotiations in class so far. I remember the professor mentioning that compromise is an option. But he told us never to compromise. He also told us to make the first offer. I didn't make the first offer, and I also compromised. I'm so disappointed in myself. I tend to hate on myself when I know there are things that I could have done to make the negotiation better, but it doesn't just apply to the negotiation. I'm also hard on myself whenever I fail in whatever situation it is.

I feel dumb.

I hate holding grudges. I do! I just can't help it though. When someone hurts me, I hold on to it, I remember it, and I won't let go of it. It's like the plague. It spreads and grows and becomes a big pain to clean up.

Wah. I want to be humble.

It's just one of those days.

Have you ever had those days where you're just running around all over the place, running on little sleep, making sure everything gets done? Yeah, today was like that for me. I don't really know what to think of these days. Yes, I'm being productive and whatnot. But by the end of the day, I'm really drained. This is what it must feel like to have a 9 to 5 job. Imagine that. I'm already a professional.

So update, I got a job, working as a telemarketer. It's funny. You don't really know what it feels like until you become one. People hanging up on you. People yelling at you for bothering them. People politely declining your offer. BUT THEN. There's that one person who's interested. My supervisor calls us the soldiers who are first sent forth to fight the good fight. Haha. Well, I hope my effort will reap good results. I hope I become a better salesman after this job.

Not only that, but I'm still looking for another job. Even though being a telemarketer sucks the life out of me, I'm still wanting to work nights so that I can be even more productive.

Then again...

If I get too busy, I'll forget. I'll forget to slow down and smell the flowers. Nah. I think I'm not the type to become a workaholic. Haha. As much as I like being productive, I love life too much to work my life away. I just like the idea of meeting new people and learning new things and earning some cash on the side all at the same time. This is temporary.

Oye, but then. I have to really find a job after I graduate. That's scary. But it'll be good because I'll have experience under my belt. Good. Good.

I hope I'm not just rationalizing things. Anyway, I'm going to go lay down. I can't believe I woke up at 9 this morning and went through the whole day without caffeine or naps. I'm so proud of myself.

the end.

Summer Movies, yay!

5/25 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6/8 - Paris, Je T’Aime, Ocean's 13
6/22 - Evan Almighty
6/29 - Ratatouille
7/4 - Transformers
7/13 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
8/3 - Bourne Ultimatum

Content.

One more, one more. I must pull through 1 more.

One more and the semester is over. I'm really excited. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to go home to see my mom, my brothers, and my dog. I can't wait to go home and start running again. I can't wait to go home and remember what city (or rather suburbia) life was like. I'm super excited to get out of here, at least for a while.

I went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate an 11 ounce sirloin. It was so good but so bad. I won't bothering rationalizing or reason my way out. I was purposely a glutton because I felt like it. Not to say, that you should always do what you feel like doing, but it was nice to eat red meat for a change. Anyway...

The other day, I was driving and thinking about happiness. What would it take for me to be happy? ...Like really happy.

It takes a lot for me to be happy. I can be happy or relatively happy for others. But for myself? I think I'm only happy for others and not for myself. And then I started to think, why is that? Why can't I be happy for myself? It's old news, but I don't think I've done anything really worthwhile for me to be happy, I guess. In my opinion, I haven't achieved any greatness. Some kids have received honors when they graduate. Some kids have scored high on their MCAT scores. Some kids have gotten lucrative jobs. Some kids have boyfriends. Most kids are going somewhere. I'm one of those kids left behind to fend for herself.

And then, Bethena's voice comes in and tells me, "You're too hard on yourself." Why am I so hard on mysef? Why can't I accept that I'm a good student? a good soccer/football/volleyball player? a good daughter? a good friend? Am I really not any of those things? Or am I just second guessing myself?

Well, maybe it's just cause I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of the past. Just when I think I've done something worthwhile, I recall the past, and suddenly, I'm muddled with the mistakes I've made and the problems I've caused or faced.

I want to be content, at least for a little while. I can't remember the last time I was content with life. It's been a while.

Maybe it's a matter of change. It's a matter of choice. If I choose to go after what I want, maybe this time I'll actually get it.

Lisa asked, "What was your favorite day?"

"That's hard," I replied. "I don't think I've had it yet."

While I was mentally searching for my favorite day, the first thing I asked myself was, when was I the happiest? Then I started to think, was it with Robert? No. Was it with my family? No. Was it with my friends? No.

Yeah, I haven't had my favorite day yet. What constitutes a favorite day anyway? When you are the happiest? When you are having the most fun? When you've accomplished the highest achievement?

I dunno.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I burnt myself the other day. At first, I was really happy. Why? Because I had a really cool scar that reminded me of Sasuke's cursed seal. However, as I stare at it more nowadays, I'm beginning to think it makes my arm look really ugly (hah) especially since it's peeling off.

I'm totally avoiding studying for finals, by the way.

High School insecurities resurfaced.

Semi-Formal was good. It was strange. I spent the entire day setting up and getting ready for the event, but I was unbelieveably energetic by the end of the night. It may have been delirium.

I went to bed thinking about the night's festivities and fell asleep thinking about all the people that I greeted. Soon after, I dreamed a dream that felt so familiar. I dreamt that I was in a cafeteria with all the people I've met throughout my years in college, the people that have come and gone, all sitting in this one cafeteria. Everyone sitting with their respective cliques. Everyone talking and having fun with the people they chose to eat with. And there I was, walking around until I would see somebody make eye contact with me. Everybody smiled that smile where they acknowledged you but didn't really have anything to say to you, you weren't important enough for them to say a few words nor were you cool enough for them to invite you to eat with them. I walked around some more and I ended up sitting with people I didn't recognize. They offered a seat and before I realized it, they had left, they had finished their food already. That's why they offered me a seat. It wasn't because they were interested in getting to know me. There I was alone, again.

Goodness. This is quite sad. I really don't understand why I feel so alone. I have people that care for me. I have people that love me. I have people. Then why am I so emotional? I dunno. I guess I figured that I would have made more substantial friends while I've been here at Baylor.

In the Land of Women

SO GOOD.

I love movies, I do.

Out of the movies I've seen lately, I liked this one the most. Maybe, it's because I haven't seen that many good movies lately. But, yeah. I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

1. Adam Brody is cute.
2. He moved in with his grandmother with the intention of taking care of her.
3. He was heart-brokened.
4. He took time to get to know his neighbor.
5. He wasn't too cool to hang out with a high school student and her younger sister.
6. He told it like it was to everybody.
7. He tried to cook for his grandmother.
8. He was vulnerable.
9. He was depressed.
10. He was real.

I wish I could meet someone close to being like Carter Webb and fall in love with him and he with me.

quiet.

I no longer have anything to say.

Sugar Free Bowl

Yesterday was AMAZING!

We played back-to-back football games for the entire day! We started at 8:15 in the morning because we were in the losers bracket. We won against VSA. I always like playing them because they're a good match to play against. Afterwards, we went to Cafe Cappucino for breakfast. It was fun listening in on Caleb's random nonsense and other miscellaneous talks at the table. Then Angela and I went to Laiyee's to take a nap. I didn't sleep much because adrenaline was still keeping me excited about playing football. I slept for maybe 10 minutes. Then it was time to watch the guys. I realized that I didn't really get the chance to cheer for the guys the whole day because the girls and I needed to practice. But we watched for a little bit and then started to warm up. They had music playing, so we started to dance and just have fun with it. We played CHI's sorority first. We beat them 25 - 0. Then it was time for the guys to play. The girls rested and once the guys finished, we played again. This time we played AED, the former champions. There was this one girl who was really hardcore. She had dislocated her knee, popped it back in, and scored a touchdown in her previous game. This time around, she hurt her knee again and STILL wanted to play. Hardcore. We ended up winning that game 6 - 2. We were suppose to play CHI-O's, but they forfeited. Next up was ISSA. Angela and I had to leave for KUMC's Benefit Concert. So we played offense and defense and then offense again and then left. We were actually on time at 6:30, and they had free pizza. Angela was really excited for free food. We waited for half an hour before we performed. Unfortunately, our performance wasn't the best. I made a lot of timing mistakes and we bumped into each other a lot. Another thing is we rushed to get back to the game. I hope Esther and Lisa aren't upset or disappointed at us for not being prepared or as prepared as we should have been. We went to Laiyee's rest for a little bit and we had to get back for our 8:15 game. Apparently, it was the team that we had played the night before where we went into overtime. If we win, we'd have to play them again to win the championship. If we lost, we'd lose the championship. We start off really shaky and really nervous. It had gotten pretty cold. By halftime, they had scored two touchdowns. BUT we weren't letting it get to us. We stayed positive and played the rest of the game to the best of our ability. We lost 14 - 0 i think.

I'm so physically tired, but i feel like i had so much fun that all my fatigue was well worth it.

Second place is good in my book. Besides, we beat A team once again! :D

Football Madness

Friday: Game @ 5:00, 10:15
Saturday: Game @ 1:45, 4:00, 7:00, 8:30

That's a whole lot of football.