I feel dumb.

I hate holding grudges. I do! I just can't help it though. When someone hurts me, I hold on to it, I remember it, and I won't let go of it. It's like the plague. It spreads and grows and becomes a big pain to clean up.

Wah. I want to be humble.

It's just one of those days.

Have you ever had those days where you're just running around all over the place, running on little sleep, making sure everything gets done? Yeah, today was like that for me. I don't really know what to think of these days. Yes, I'm being productive and whatnot. But by the end of the day, I'm really drained. This is what it must feel like to have a 9 to 5 job. Imagine that. I'm already a professional.

So update, I got a job, working as a telemarketer. It's funny. You don't really know what it feels like until you become one. People hanging up on you. People yelling at you for bothering them. People politely declining your offer. BUT THEN. There's that one person who's interested. My supervisor calls us the soldiers who are first sent forth to fight the good fight. Haha. Well, I hope my effort will reap good results. I hope I become a better salesman after this job.

Not only that, but I'm still looking for another job. Even though being a telemarketer sucks the life out of me, I'm still wanting to work nights so that I can be even more productive.

Then again...

If I get too busy, I'll forget. I'll forget to slow down and smell the flowers. Nah. I think I'm not the type to become a workaholic. Haha. As much as I like being productive, I love life too much to work my life away. I just like the idea of meeting new people and learning new things and earning some cash on the side all at the same time. This is temporary.

Oye, but then. I have to really find a job after I graduate. That's scary. But it'll be good because I'll have experience under my belt. Good. Good.

I hope I'm not just rationalizing things. Anyway, I'm going to go lay down. I can't believe I woke up at 9 this morning and went through the whole day without caffeine or naps. I'm so proud of myself.

the end.

Summer Movies, yay!

5/25 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6/8 - Paris, Je T’Aime, Ocean's 13
6/22 - Evan Almighty
6/29 - Ratatouille
7/4 - Transformers
7/13 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
8/3 - Bourne Ultimatum

Content.

One more, one more. I must pull through 1 more.

One more and the semester is over. I'm really excited. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to go home to see my mom, my brothers, and my dog. I can't wait to go home and start running again. I can't wait to go home and remember what city (or rather suburbia) life was like. I'm super excited to get out of here, at least for a while.

I went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate an 11 ounce sirloin. It was so good but so bad. I won't bothering rationalizing or reason my way out. I was purposely a glutton because I felt like it. Not to say, that you should always do what you feel like doing, but it was nice to eat red meat for a change. Anyway...

The other day, I was driving and thinking about happiness. What would it take for me to be happy? ...Like really happy.

It takes a lot for me to be happy. I can be happy or relatively happy for others. But for myself? I think I'm only happy for others and not for myself. And then I started to think, why is that? Why can't I be happy for myself? It's old news, but I don't think I've done anything really worthwhile for me to be happy, I guess. In my opinion, I haven't achieved any greatness. Some kids have received honors when they graduate. Some kids have scored high on their MCAT scores. Some kids have gotten lucrative jobs. Some kids have boyfriends. Most kids are going somewhere. I'm one of those kids left behind to fend for herself.

And then, Bethena's voice comes in and tells me, "You're too hard on yourself." Why am I so hard on mysef? Why can't I accept that I'm a good student? a good soccer/football/volleyball player? a good daughter? a good friend? Am I really not any of those things? Or am I just second guessing myself?

Well, maybe it's just cause I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of the past. Just when I think I've done something worthwhile, I recall the past, and suddenly, I'm muddled with the mistakes I've made and the problems I've caused or faced.

I want to be content, at least for a little while. I can't remember the last time I was content with life. It's been a while.

Maybe it's a matter of change. It's a matter of choice. If I choose to go after what I want, maybe this time I'll actually get it.

Lisa asked, "What was your favorite day?"

"That's hard," I replied. "I don't think I've had it yet."

While I was mentally searching for my favorite day, the first thing I asked myself was, when was I the happiest? Then I started to think, was it with Robert? No. Was it with my family? No. Was it with my friends? No.

Yeah, I haven't had my favorite day yet. What constitutes a favorite day anyway? When you are the happiest? When you are having the most fun? When you've accomplished the highest achievement?

I dunno.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I burnt myself the other day. At first, I was really happy. Why? Because I had a really cool scar that reminded me of Sasuke's cursed seal. However, as I stare at it more nowadays, I'm beginning to think it makes my arm look really ugly (hah) especially since it's peeling off.

I'm totally avoiding studying for finals, by the way.

High School insecurities resurfaced.

Semi-Formal was good. It was strange. I spent the entire day setting up and getting ready for the event, but I was unbelieveably energetic by the end of the night. It may have been delirium.

I went to bed thinking about the night's festivities and fell asleep thinking about all the people that I greeted. Soon after, I dreamed a dream that felt so familiar. I dreamt that I was in a cafeteria with all the people I've met throughout my years in college, the people that have come and gone, all sitting in this one cafeteria. Everyone sitting with their respective cliques. Everyone talking and having fun with the people they chose to eat with. And there I was, walking around until I would see somebody make eye contact with me. Everybody smiled that smile where they acknowledged you but didn't really have anything to say to you, you weren't important enough for them to say a few words nor were you cool enough for them to invite you to eat with them. I walked around some more and I ended up sitting with people I didn't recognize. They offered a seat and before I realized it, they had left, they had finished their food already. That's why they offered me a seat. It wasn't because they were interested in getting to know me. There I was alone, again.

Goodness. This is quite sad. I really don't understand why I feel so alone. I have people that care for me. I have people that love me. I have people. Then why am I so emotional? I dunno. I guess I figured that I would have made more substantial friends while I've been here at Baylor.

In the Land of Women

SO GOOD.

I love movies, I do.

Out of the movies I've seen lately, I liked this one the most. Maybe, it's because I haven't seen that many good movies lately. But, yeah. I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

1. Adam Brody is cute.
2. He moved in with his grandmother with the intention of taking care of her.
3. He was heart-brokened.
4. He took time to get to know his neighbor.
5. He wasn't too cool to hang out with a high school student and her younger sister.
6. He told it like it was to everybody.
7. He tried to cook for his grandmother.
8. He was vulnerable.
9. He was depressed.
10. He was real.

I wish I could meet someone close to being like Carter Webb and fall in love with him and he with me.

quiet.

I no longer have anything to say.

Sugar Free Bowl

Yesterday was AMAZING!

We played back-to-back football games for the entire day! We started at 8:15 in the morning because we were in the losers bracket. We won against VSA. I always like playing them because they're a good match to play against. Afterwards, we went to Cafe Cappucino for breakfast. It was fun listening in on Caleb's random nonsense and other miscellaneous talks at the table. Then Angela and I went to Laiyee's to take a nap. I didn't sleep much because adrenaline was still keeping me excited about playing football. I slept for maybe 10 minutes. Then it was time to watch the guys. I realized that I didn't really get the chance to cheer for the guys the whole day because the girls and I needed to practice. But we watched for a little bit and then started to warm up. They had music playing, so we started to dance and just have fun with it. We played CHI's sorority first. We beat them 25 - 0. Then it was time for the guys to play. The girls rested and once the guys finished, we played again. This time we played AED, the former champions. There was this one girl who was really hardcore. She had dislocated her knee, popped it back in, and scored a touchdown in her previous game. This time around, she hurt her knee again and STILL wanted to play. Hardcore. We ended up winning that game 6 - 2. We were suppose to play CHI-O's, but they forfeited. Next up was ISSA. Angela and I had to leave for KUMC's Benefit Concert. So we played offense and defense and then offense again and then left. We were actually on time at 6:30, and they had free pizza. Angela was really excited for free food. We waited for half an hour before we performed. Unfortunately, our performance wasn't the best. I made a lot of timing mistakes and we bumped into each other a lot. Another thing is we rushed to get back to the game. I hope Esther and Lisa aren't upset or disappointed at us for not being prepared or as prepared as we should have been. We went to Laiyee's rest for a little bit and we had to get back for our 8:15 game. Apparently, it was the team that we had played the night before where we went into overtime. If we win, we'd have to play them again to win the championship. If we lost, we'd lose the championship. We start off really shaky and really nervous. It had gotten pretty cold. By halftime, they had scored two touchdowns. BUT we weren't letting it get to us. We stayed positive and played the rest of the game to the best of our ability. We lost 14 - 0 i think.

I'm so physically tired, but i feel like i had so much fun that all my fatigue was well worth it.

Second place is good in my book. Besides, we beat A team once again! :D

Football Madness

Friday: Game @ 5:00, 10:15
Saturday: Game @ 1:45, 4:00, 7:00, 8:30

That's a whole lot of football.

God-send for Wednesday

Hungry for God
by John Fischer

Our ministry is to serve the needs of believers; our mission is to serve the needs of those who are not presently Christians. The latter can present a problem. You can't really serve someone if you don't know them, but being in relationship with those who aren't Christians can be dangerous. Old habits and old ways of life can come back to haunt us when we are around people who don't share our desire to follow Christ.

For this reason, it may be necessary to keep only Christian friends for a season, but the goal for us all is to be stronger than this. God didn't save us and leave us on earth to band together and live nice, safe little Christian lives until he returns or we die, whichever comes first. We are here to share the good news of God's forgiveness with those who don't know about it yet, and we can't do that without getting close to people who need it. We need to be close enough to people to know them, love them, identify with their need, and serve them without judging them or losing our own hold on Christ.

How will we do this? A couple suggestions to think about today: First, don't ever forget we are all sinners in need of salvation. This will help keep us from a self-righteous and judgmental attitude. We never have a perfect day. We encounter our own need to be saved all the time, because we all sin and fall short of God's glory. We lead people to Christ, not by reaching down to them from a place of invulnerable perfection, but as one thirsty person bringing another to water.

Second, remember that sin entraps everyone. Your friends who aren't Christians may very well have a soft heart to God and the truth but it's covered up by a host of things the enemy uses to blind us like fear, failure, addictions, and all sorts of false coping mechanisms. Success, power, and wealth can blind you as well. We need to ask God for the ability to look past all these distractions to the heart, because at the heart everyone is hungry for God. We were created that way.

Lord, teach us to see people as you see them. May we not give in to the things that once entrapped us. Make us keen to the lie and hungering for the truth today, and help us to find it even in those who don't know you. Remind us that we are all children when it comes to you, even the toughest among us. Show us how to love everyone and stay true to you.

(courtesy of p.cheng)

Icebox

Last year was a bad year. My heart had been picked up and broken and then picked up, but only to be broken even more. So, I started off this year with a resolution. I decided not to care what people think. I chose not to care when I need not care.

Instead, I find myself even more bitter than i was before.

I don't know why I'm so bad with people.

Part of me wants them to be in my life. To be able to have that joy of companionship with friends. Another part of me knows that I'm going to be disappointed. there's no point, grace. Why give your heart, when you know it's only going to be taken away.

Where do i stand? Will I or won't I?

People aren't perfect, I keep telling myself. Everyone makes mistakes. That's what everybody says. Nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect. Why should i expect others to be when i can't be it myself?

Don't think that saying sorry will make everything right again.

I'm not perfect. I don't want people to think that i am. I know that they don't, but my imperfection is also what's keeping me from loving and trusting people again.

I don't believe in saying sorry if I don't mean it. I don't say things unless I mean it. Words carry so much weight to me. Maybe that's why listening is my strength but more importantly my weakness. What people say means a lot to me.

In conclusion, I'm lost. I want to make everything right again. But I don't know how.

hypersensitive.

Yeah. I hate this feeling.

As a child, my parents always complained that i was overly stubborn and super sensitive. It's only when i'm not with them that i learned that about myself.

I hate people. Correction. I hate people who cancel on me. I hate people who make promises they don't keep. I hate people who put up a front. I hate people who choose to neglect others to fend for themselves.

If i hate them so much, why do i let them hurt me? Why do i choose to bring them into my life only to disappoint me.

The truth is, i don't really hate people. I don't. really, i hate myself for loving people too much. I hate myself for letting expectations and hope in people take the best of me. i hate myself most of all for choosing to give my heart when it is only taken away in spite.

So, i must retreat yet again to lick my wounds and let them heal.

please go away.

Austin, baby.

Stacy, Lisa, and I went to Austin along with Thomas, Steven, Jason, and Ron. It was a lot of fun! I hadn't expected to have so much fun. Lisa picked me at 3 and then we went to Stacy's to pick her up. Stacy needed to drop off her keys to Angela so that Angela could take care of Nala while Stacy was in Austin so we went to Laiyee's. Angela and Laiyee were working on the ASA board while watching Love Actually. I love that movie! So we stayed there for a hour watching the movie. By the time it was 4, we realized we needed to pull ourselves away. So we said our goodbyes and were off to Austin! I fell asleep on the road.

But we made it Round Rock around 5. We shopped for a while and the guys showed up. So we made plans to meet with Elaine, but Lisa and Stacy had other plans.

We knew Wong Fu was going to be in Austin showing their movie "A Moment with You." So, we went to go see if we could hang out with them while the movie was being shown. Because while they were at Baylor, we watched the movie and they sat in the corridor doing their own thing. So we assumed they would do the same in Austin. When we got to campus, I got really nervous as we were walking to Burdine Hall. I felt like a stalker but I didn't want to mention it. Once, we were inside, we heard Philip talking. Stacy walked across to the other side of the hall where there were these vending machines. She kept motioning me and Lisa to go where Philip was. She mouthed, "I feel like a stalker!" But I couldn't get enough courage to walk up to Phil. Suddenly, Lisa went across to where Stacy was. While they were devising a plan, Elaine calls so i step outside for a minute. She asked where we had parked. I told her and went back into the BUR. I couldn't make out what Lisa was saying but before i knew it, Phil came walking by while he was on the phone! Stacy and Lisa's expression on their faces were priceless. I wish i had a camera to capture it. He had remembered Stacy and we talked with him for a little while.

Once Elaine had arrived, we catched the last part of the movie. After their Q&A session, I was rushed to exit the room where the screening was being held. But before that, I noticed Minhduc and Linda were sitting in the front seat. I was so surprised. Then the UT business students were inviting people to come up to the stage for the guys to sign autographs and take pictures. So Lisa and I rushed up to the stage to take one last picture! I was really surprised and happy to realize that they hadn't forgotten me, they may have not knew my name, but they did recognize that I was from Baylor...maybe.

Afterwards, we drove around Austin looking for a place to sit and eat. We ended up at Trudy's. I had a margarita. It wasn't bad at all. Then we went to Elaine's to check out her new apartment and to figure out how to assemble her new futon. Steven and Ron had gone to Ron's place to check his place out and would meet them at Crown Plaza. It was very nice of Steven to arrange that for us. Once we got to the hotel, we settled down. Thomas was still really restless so we played 21 with shots. Afterwards, Lisa, Jason, Thomas and I went to Denny's to eat. It was fun hanging out with Jason and Thomas. Once we reached the hotel, we passed out.

The next morning, I was the first to wake up so I took the opportunity to take a shower. Then I felt like the mommy of the group as I woke everybody up with my soothing maternal voice, "Time to wake up, my children." So everybody dragged themselves out of bed. Soon enough everybody had finishing showering, changing, getting ready and then we sat ourselves in front of the television to watch Nanny McPhee. I thought this was a highlight of the trip because none of us could pull ourselves away from the TV. It was cute. I felt like we were all children again with our eyes glued to the TV with fascination. I liked that movie a lot. So wondrous.

Anyway, it was time to eat! I was so excited to go eat Korean food, even more excited that it was CHEAP korean food! Yay! I had kim chi soup and shared a plate of bulgogi with Elaine. Afterwards, we go to Coco's to get tapioca. Then we went picture crazy with self-timers on campus near the tower. It was fun! Then it was on our way back to Waco. I fell asleep on the car again, but before i knew it, we were back in Round Rock. We went back to buy Stacy's boots and Lisa's peek toe shoes.

All in all, a very enjoyable weekend.

i have issues with intimacy.

thanks.

eHarmony profile.

Agreeableness: taking care of others or taking care of yourself.

You are best described as:
USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:
Understanding
Unquestioning
Humane
Selfless
Gentle
Kindhearted
Gullible
Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

A change, if you will.

I've decided.

I'm going to be myself more.

This year. I've resolved to not care about what people think. I've decided that I'm going to be the person I choose to be, not someone everyone else expects me to be.

How much of my life do I live for God and how much of my life do I live for myself?

I was thinking that the other night. I'm finally at that point where I can be relatively content with who I am and where I'm at. But God doesn't want me that way, does He? He wants me to step out of my comfort zone, to be courageous and not settle for anything less than greatness. Sometimes, that means I need to be stripped down of my inequities and be humbled and broken-hearted.

Where is that line where I can be confident and proud in myself and yet be worthy of God's calling?

a note.

It’s been two years since we went to Las Vegas. I just came back from Las Vegas. When I arrived at Las Vegas, I realized the last time I was there, I was there with you. Then I started to think about all that has happened in the last two years. I hate how we ended things. I don’t know if it was my fault or how the circumstances led us there.

I just wish we had made things more clear. I remember asking you about us, but I don’t think I ever really got an answer.

My heart is broken. I’m sorry you had to break it.

I hear you have a girlfriend now. I wish the best for the two of you.

Long day.

I woke up at 10 today feeling kind of happy which was good. I had a final today at 2. It was okay I guess. I was so nervous. My final was for guitar. Aye. I have a real problem with getting my rhythm and tempo in sync. My guitar class was probably the class that I enjoyed the most because I see my progress and see results of my hard work, my time, and my effort. Afterwards, I went home. And a little while later, Mika calls me and tells me that they're shaving Eric's head. I was super excited so I got my camera and ran over to Andrew's to see the event. It was awesome. Eric had a mullet by the time I got there and Andrew did most of the dirty work. Later on, Hongya trimmed and shaped a little more. Just as I thought we were finished, the guys suggest that Eric gets a fade because there was a knick on the side of his head. So Daniel fixes it. Afterwards, it looked a lot better. I was really hungry by this time because I was waiting for the girls to call me for lunch. By this time it was 4:30pm. So Steve and I went to Dairy Queen. Then I dropped by Stacy's place. Then I went to Cameron Park to watch Andrew and Anthony burn their books. It was rather cool. Then we went to go eat BW3s and it had only been 2 hours before that I had eaten. After BW3s, Mika and I went to Cheddar's to get dessert. Then I brought my gamecube over to Mika's to play. We played Super Smash Bros for a couple of hours. Then Daniel brought over Mario Tennis and Mario Kart. We played that for awhile. I don't know what time we stopped but I think it was around 2:30am. For an hour and a half, we talked and joked around and interrogated Hongya. It was entertaining. At around 4, the guys decide to go eat and I go with them because I'm still not tired. We went to IHOP and that's the last time I ate.

The point of this blog is what I'm about to express. By the time it's the end of the day and while I'm writing this blog, I'm sad and feeling kind of shitty. While we were at IHOP, we talked about Peter, saying how he was pretty much set once he got to college. His life was in line. And then, we talked about Hongya, saying how he is pretty smart and going places too. Then I asked Daniel and Steve how it feels to be super seniors. Both of them said, "Pretty crappy." Steve said that people are getting jobs, getting into med school, and just getting on with their lives. Daniel said that everybody has left while he's still here in school.

And then, I thought maan, it really isn't that great of a feeling, knowing that you are behind and everyone else is going forward and it seems like you're standing still in time.

And now, I'm just fearful of going home at all. I am a failure and it sucks knowing that.

But you make the best of it...

I can't sleep. Maybe if I sleep I'll just forget all my worries. I hope. Please.

Ramblings.

I had a dream and in that dream, my friends were telling me to update my blog.

So, here am I, updating my blog for you, my friends in my dream.

Man, finals are almost over. I have one more tomorrow. And I really don't want to take it. But I must. I like the feeling of how as each final I finish, the less stressed I feel. But then again, I'm reminded that I have to go home. And home. is sometimes where I least want to be. It's quite sad how I do not miss home. I miss my family but I don't miss that house that I live in. That house should be the thing that I look forward to. My room, my bed, my memories, my treasured gifts from friends. Oddly enough, I'm scared of going home. Maybe it's cause my Dad will be there and it'll be the first time in a year that I'll see him. I'm hoping he'll love me and show enough compassion for me just as that man did for his prodigal son.

In my dream, my dad was in there too. Strangely enough, he was rather depressed. I don't know exactly why he was depressed but he wasn't his usual self or the Dad that I remember before he left for China.

I'm really afraid to see my Dad. There. I said it. I'm afraid to see Dad. I'm hoping he doesn't criticize me or chastise me about my grades or about my body or anything about me that could possibly hurt me all over again.

Another thing that's on my mind, if you guys are curious, is that I'm really pessimistic. Yeah, I know I mentioned this once before, but lately, it's been blatantly clear in my head that I'm very cynical. Maybe I'm not pessimistic, maybe I'm just cynical. I don't take things at face value. I have this tendency to be skeptical. I always push for people to tell me more. Instead of just a few words. Unfortunately, people only want a few words out of me, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, I ramble. I think I just realized my pattern. I hate boys. Because, well, they hurt you. And the worst part of it is that they don't realize that they've hurt you unless you tell them. I didn't tell either one of them. I guess to fake that I'm okay or that I'm strong or that I'm better without you which is all true...but at what price? my broken heart?

My heart is broken at least for awhile. In fact, it'll be a long while before I'm interested in anybody. I should have learned that that first time around.

boys are rotten.

But I have to have hope right? God has somebody in store for me, right? There must be a guy that can take my stubborn-ness, my cynicism, and my depression, right? I hope he doesn't take me at face value. That would be a bummer. I hope he takes the good in with the bad. I have good qualities. Actually, I think I'm an awesome catch. Boys should be lining up to meet me. haha. But only in my dreams right? yeah. But it's okay. I'll live only for God now. That's all I really want to do anyway.