Austin, baby.

Stacy, Lisa, and I went to Austin along with Thomas, Steven, Jason, and Ron. It was a lot of fun! I hadn't expected to have so much fun. Lisa picked me at 3 and then we went to Stacy's to pick her up. Stacy needed to drop off her keys to Angela so that Angela could take care of Nala while Stacy was in Austin so we went to Laiyee's. Angela and Laiyee were working on the ASA board while watching Love Actually. I love that movie! So we stayed there for a hour watching the movie. By the time it was 4, we realized we needed to pull ourselves away. So we said our goodbyes and were off to Austin! I fell asleep on the road.

But we made it Round Rock around 5. We shopped for a while and the guys showed up. So we made plans to meet with Elaine, but Lisa and Stacy had other plans.

We knew Wong Fu was going to be in Austin showing their movie "A Moment with You." So, we went to go see if we could hang out with them while the movie was being shown. Because while they were at Baylor, we watched the movie and they sat in the corridor doing their own thing. So we assumed they would do the same in Austin. When we got to campus, I got really nervous as we were walking to Burdine Hall. I felt like a stalker but I didn't want to mention it. Once, we were inside, we heard Philip talking. Stacy walked across to the other side of the hall where there were these vending machines. She kept motioning me and Lisa to go where Philip was. She mouthed, "I feel like a stalker!" But I couldn't get enough courage to walk up to Phil. Suddenly, Lisa went across to where Stacy was. While they were devising a plan, Elaine calls so i step outside for a minute. She asked where we had parked. I told her and went back into the BUR. I couldn't make out what Lisa was saying but before i knew it, Phil came walking by while he was on the phone! Stacy and Lisa's expression on their faces were priceless. I wish i had a camera to capture it. He had remembered Stacy and we talked with him for a little while.

Once Elaine had arrived, we catched the last part of the movie. After their Q&A session, I was rushed to exit the room where the screening was being held. But before that, I noticed Minhduc and Linda were sitting in the front seat. I was so surprised. Then the UT business students were inviting people to come up to the stage for the guys to sign autographs and take pictures. So Lisa and I rushed up to the stage to take one last picture! I was really surprised and happy to realize that they hadn't forgotten me, they may have not knew my name, but they did recognize that I was from Baylor...maybe.

Afterwards, we drove around Austin looking for a place to sit and eat. We ended up at Trudy's. I had a margarita. It wasn't bad at all. Then we went to Elaine's to check out her new apartment and to figure out how to assemble her new futon. Steven and Ron had gone to Ron's place to check his place out and would meet them at Crown Plaza. It was very nice of Steven to arrange that for us. Once we got to the hotel, we settled down. Thomas was still really restless so we played 21 with shots. Afterwards, Lisa, Jason, Thomas and I went to Denny's to eat. It was fun hanging out with Jason and Thomas. Once we reached the hotel, we passed out.

The next morning, I was the first to wake up so I took the opportunity to take a shower. Then I felt like the mommy of the group as I woke everybody up with my soothing maternal voice, "Time to wake up, my children." So everybody dragged themselves out of bed. Soon enough everybody had finishing showering, changing, getting ready and then we sat ourselves in front of the television to watch Nanny McPhee. I thought this was a highlight of the trip because none of us could pull ourselves away from the TV. It was cute. I felt like we were all children again with our eyes glued to the TV with fascination. I liked that movie a lot. So wondrous.

Anyway, it was time to eat! I was so excited to go eat Korean food, even more excited that it was CHEAP korean food! Yay! I had kim chi soup and shared a plate of bulgogi with Elaine. Afterwards, we go to Coco's to get tapioca. Then we went picture crazy with self-timers on campus near the tower. It was fun! Then it was on our way back to Waco. I fell asleep on the car again, but before i knew it, we were back in Round Rock. We went back to buy Stacy's boots and Lisa's peek toe shoes.

All in all, a very enjoyable weekend.

i have issues with intimacy.

thanks.

eHarmony profile.

Agreeableness: taking care of others or taking care of yourself.

You are best described as:
USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:
Understanding
Unquestioning
Humane
Selfless
Gentle
Kindhearted
Gullible
Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

A change, if you will.

I've decided.

I'm going to be myself more.

This year. I've resolved to not care about what people think. I've decided that I'm going to be the person I choose to be, not someone everyone else expects me to be.

How much of my life do I live for God and how much of my life do I live for myself?

I was thinking that the other night. I'm finally at that point where I can be relatively content with who I am and where I'm at. But God doesn't want me that way, does He? He wants me to step out of my comfort zone, to be courageous and not settle for anything less than greatness. Sometimes, that means I need to be stripped down of my inequities and be humbled and broken-hearted.

Where is that line where I can be confident and proud in myself and yet be worthy of God's calling?

a note.

It’s been two years since we went to Las Vegas. I just came back from Las Vegas. When I arrived at Las Vegas, I realized the last time I was there, I was there with you. Then I started to think about all that has happened in the last two years. I hate how we ended things. I don’t know if it was my fault or how the circumstances led us there.

I just wish we had made things more clear. I remember asking you about us, but I don’t think I ever really got an answer.

My heart is broken. I’m sorry you had to break it.

I hear you have a girlfriend now. I wish the best for the two of you.

Long day.

I woke up at 10 today feeling kind of happy which was good. I had a final today at 2. It was okay I guess. I was so nervous. My final was for guitar. Aye. I have a real problem with getting my rhythm and tempo in sync. My guitar class was probably the class that I enjoyed the most because I see my progress and see results of my hard work, my time, and my effort. Afterwards, I went home. And a little while later, Mika calls me and tells me that they're shaving Eric's head. I was super excited so I got my camera and ran over to Andrew's to see the event. It was awesome. Eric had a mullet by the time I got there and Andrew did most of the dirty work. Later on, Hongya trimmed and shaped a little more. Just as I thought we were finished, the guys suggest that Eric gets a fade because there was a knick on the side of his head. So Daniel fixes it. Afterwards, it looked a lot better. I was really hungry by this time because I was waiting for the girls to call me for lunch. By this time it was 4:30pm. So Steve and I went to Dairy Queen. Then I dropped by Stacy's place. Then I went to Cameron Park to watch Andrew and Anthony burn their books. It was rather cool. Then we went to go eat BW3s and it had only been 2 hours before that I had eaten. After BW3s, Mika and I went to Cheddar's to get dessert. Then I brought my gamecube over to Mika's to play. We played Super Smash Bros for a couple of hours. Then Daniel brought over Mario Tennis and Mario Kart. We played that for awhile. I don't know what time we stopped but I think it was around 2:30am. For an hour and a half, we talked and joked around and interrogated Hongya. It was entertaining. At around 4, the guys decide to go eat and I go with them because I'm still not tired. We went to IHOP and that's the last time I ate.

The point of this blog is what I'm about to express. By the time it's the end of the day and while I'm writing this blog, I'm sad and feeling kind of shitty. While we were at IHOP, we talked about Peter, saying how he was pretty much set once he got to college. His life was in line. And then, we talked about Hongya, saying how he is pretty smart and going places too. Then I asked Daniel and Steve how it feels to be super seniors. Both of them said, "Pretty crappy." Steve said that people are getting jobs, getting into med school, and just getting on with their lives. Daniel said that everybody has left while he's still here in school.

And then, I thought maan, it really isn't that great of a feeling, knowing that you are behind and everyone else is going forward and it seems like you're standing still in time.

And now, I'm just fearful of going home at all. I am a failure and it sucks knowing that.

But you make the best of it...

I can't sleep. Maybe if I sleep I'll just forget all my worries. I hope. Please.

Ramblings.

I had a dream and in that dream, my friends were telling me to update my blog.

So, here am I, updating my blog for you, my friends in my dream.

Man, finals are almost over. I have one more tomorrow. And I really don't want to take it. But I must. I like the feeling of how as each final I finish, the less stressed I feel. But then again, I'm reminded that I have to go home. And home. is sometimes where I least want to be. It's quite sad how I do not miss home. I miss my family but I don't miss that house that I live in. That house should be the thing that I look forward to. My room, my bed, my memories, my treasured gifts from friends. Oddly enough, I'm scared of going home. Maybe it's cause my Dad will be there and it'll be the first time in a year that I'll see him. I'm hoping he'll love me and show enough compassion for me just as that man did for his prodigal son.

In my dream, my dad was in there too. Strangely enough, he was rather depressed. I don't know exactly why he was depressed but he wasn't his usual self or the Dad that I remember before he left for China.

I'm really afraid to see my Dad. There. I said it. I'm afraid to see Dad. I'm hoping he doesn't criticize me or chastise me about my grades or about my body or anything about me that could possibly hurt me all over again.

Another thing that's on my mind, if you guys are curious, is that I'm really pessimistic. Yeah, I know I mentioned this once before, but lately, it's been blatantly clear in my head that I'm very cynical. Maybe I'm not pessimistic, maybe I'm just cynical. I don't take things at face value. I have this tendency to be skeptical. I always push for people to tell me more. Instead of just a few words. Unfortunately, people only want a few words out of me, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, I ramble. I think I just realized my pattern. I hate boys. Because, well, they hurt you. And the worst part of it is that they don't realize that they've hurt you unless you tell them. I didn't tell either one of them. I guess to fake that I'm okay or that I'm strong or that I'm better without you which is all true...but at what price? my broken heart?

My heart is broken at least for awhile. In fact, it'll be a long while before I'm interested in anybody. I should have learned that that first time around.

boys are rotten.

But I have to have hope right? God has somebody in store for me, right? There must be a guy that can take my stubborn-ness, my cynicism, and my depression, right? I hope he doesn't take me at face value. That would be a bummer. I hope he takes the good in with the bad. I have good qualities. Actually, I think I'm an awesome catch. Boys should be lining up to meet me. haha. But only in my dreams right? yeah. But it's okay. I'll live only for God now. That's all I really want to do anyway.

Christmas wish-list

Since I have a couple of hours to spare before i study for another final, I've decided to compile a wish-list.

• a peacoat
• a wii
• an apple shuffle
• puma shoes
• nike shocks
• GAP hoodie
• Love Actually
• and a boyfriend (preferably Rain or Justin Timberlake)

:)

dah.

it happened aagaain.

I saw a guy. Mixed. Tall. Stylish.

Immediately, I was attracted.

But of course, he's got a girlfriend.

Why does this happen to me? Why am I always attracted to guys that are taken? For once, I'd like to meet boyfriend material that isn't already a boyfriend!

Rant.

Again, I fall short.

I hurt my lower back.
I twisted my ankle.
I lost my voice.
I walked in 20 degree weather in a skirt while wearing sandals.
I also got my period.

It's just one of those days where you're like... "What the hell was I thinking?!"

Stacy's right, I'm a little moody.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's finals' time. Maybe it's cause i'm lonely.

that's it. that last one.

Again, the weather gets colder and BAM! i have this need or desire for intimacy or closeness with a guy. I guess it's always been this way. I got a compliment from someone, I was super happy. Then, I saw a couple today holding hands and i started to cry. Then, somebody irked me just a little bit and i blew up inside. My emotions are all over the place. I'm super emotional and it distresses me to no end. I hate instability. I hate that I can't control myself and my hormonal changes. I hate how one thing can make me happy and how another thing occuring immediately after can make me so upset.

I hate being critical of myself and of others. I hate judging people based upon their merit. I hate competing with everyone to get somewhere I don't necessarily want to be. I hate pretending to be happy. I hate being alone. I hate knowing that at the end of the day, all I have is myself to deal with. I hate dealing with myself.

I can't be alone.

i suck at life.

i've been depressed lately.

i can't really put my finger on why i am like this exactly. i feel so useless. i keep trying to put up this image of always being happy about life and what it has to offer. But really, what is it about this life am i really happy about? God tells us to rejoice always.

rejoice always.

i don't know what that means or i don't really know how to do that. I really don't know if God is on my side anymore.

i've been in so much stress and in so much pain that i'm so confused. Confused about what keeps me from jumping off a cliff. What makes me wake up each morning and forces me out of bed.

TAX ACCOUNTING.

I hate you, tax.

I've been thinking, why am i attracted to unavailable men?

I recently meant this guy and when i saw him, i instantly thought he was cute, not necessarily my type, but most definitely cute. Just when i thought we might be friends or even more, i find out he's married!

My theory is (in no particular precedence):
1. all the good ones are taken
2. i want what i can't have

How sad.

Fall Break.

My Fall Break has gone to waste. I didn't do anything! I was suppose to study for my two tests and one quiz in the last two days, but i just bummed around and slept. I think i've been emo lately.

I put Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" on repeat. The song makes me want to forget all of my worries and pains. But it's not as easy as the song claims it to be.

On a lighter note, football has been going great! We've won two games and we're in the playoffs! it's an awesome feeling to know that all of our hard work is paying off.

Addiction.

Mika and I were talking about addictions the other day. I was concerned that she may become addicted to coffee since she started to drink caffeine regularly.

She asked if I had any addictions. And I thought about it. When I went through my adolescence, I was addicted to self-loathing; hating who I was and the mistakes I've made. When I first got to college, I was addicted to him. After that, I got addicted to anything that could make me feel remotely better; partying, boys, whatever. Now that it is my senior year...What am I addicted to?

Well, as of right now, I think I'm addicted to trying to get in shape. I wake up each morning, look into the mirror, point out my flaws, and move on to eating less and exercising more for the day. Last week, my body has gone through a lot. I think my body is just now getting into the groove of exercising each day even though I ran over the summer. I played rooftop football countless times. I played basketball with the guys on Friday. I ran the trail a couple of times. I practiced flag football yesterday. It feels nice being active.

But truthfully, I really want to be addicted to Christ. It's so cliche. But I run towards things or people that only satisfy me temporarily. Jesus is my living water. And I would much rather spend my night getting to know Jesus than trying to figure out what to do next. Once again, I've compromised my hunger for Jesus for temporary satisfaction.

I want to live wholly for Jesus.

She asked, "Weren't you guys like best friends?"

I replied, "Yeah."

"Okay, well. I won't talk bad about him, then."

Wait. Were? or Are?

I'd like to believe we were best friends. If anything, really close friends. But I thought all of that has come to an end. Has it really?

less really is more.

Life is so much better without drama.

I wouldn't say I was completely productive this weekend, but I would say that I got a lot of stuff done with a few hours of leisure in between. The first week of class is always hectic for me. For some reason, this last week was abnormally stressful. The classwork is building up already. yikes! I need to keep on top of my game.

The downside is that I haven't really gotten the chance to run. Complications always arise. This week. This week I say. I'll run the beartrail.

Life is so much better lately. I'm more peaceful, more calm about life. I think I've given up on taking control. Giving my life to God is a much better option.

My Quirk

If i had a thing that i do, it would be...stating the obvious.

Boy Meets World.

After finals, I decided to numb my brain as I usually do after tests. I watched Boy Meets World. It's the show that I grew up watching. How sad. The show I grew up watching. It's as if my adolescence was so long ago. Anyway, the episode was the one where Corey and Topanga decided to see other people. Corey saw Topanga kiss another guy (Shane West - yumm). He told Topanga how it hurt him to see her kiss another guy only two weeks after they broke up. She didn't know what to say. Corey suggested that they might as well not be friends anymore and stormed off.

I would be Corey in this case.

I think that's what I do. I shut people out once I've realized that they've hurt me. But isn't that normal? Doesn't that happen to everybody? I dunno. I've done it to a handful of people in my life, a few being family.

The episode also made me think about relationships. Is it really possible to be friends after you've gone out with someone and broke up with them after awhile?

Of course, by the end of the episode, they were friends again. But that didn't happen to me. My once friends, I no longer even keep in touch with. Maybe that's the difference between reality and television. Things don't always work out.

I broke down today. It feels liberating, but also saddens me.

Taking a little break never hurt anyone.

TWO FINALS TOMORROW...OR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS...

I realized that I am really far-sighted today. I also realized that I'm more like my dad than my mom.

I was studying for my finals. I rested my head on my arm while I studied. But for some reason, the words were blurry. So I lifted my head and I noticed that as I looked at my notes at a farther distance, the clearer I read the lines. Yeah, I'm slow. But at least, I am assured that my doctor's diagnosis was correct when I was a child. I was always skeptical if I really was far-sighted because usually, only old people are far-sighted...

I talked to mom today. I was really stressed out. And it was the first time I ever told her that I was stressed. I usually don't talk about school so that I don't worry my parents. Her immediate response was, "Only you can control that" not, "it's okay honey, everything will be all right." I always thought my mom was the emotional one. Guess that is just an assumption since she's a woman. But that's not necessarily true. Maybe that's why I've always thought my mom didn't understand. She's not your typical mom. Also, I thought submissive meant soft. But my mom is anything but soft. She has sacrificed and still is sacrificing a lot, but she definitely doesn't break down for no reason.

So, then I thought about my dad...he acts on his instincts a lot of the time. His temper is his sign of emotion. I look back at conflicts with my dad and I realize that he really is an emotional man. I got that emotional stuff from him.

NONSTOP

It never ends!

Live today as if it was your last.

Cause before you know it, your last may be your regret.