"There are plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish?"

dah! i must restrain myself from watching these romantic chick flicks! I find myself more and more vulnerable each time. Why does the movie industry have to make love seem so simple when it's really not. I just watched Love Actually.

I hate it.

You selected Words of Affirmation: 5 times
You selected Quality Time: 10 times
You selected Giving/Receiving Gifts: 0 times
You selected Acts of Service: 11 times
You selected Physical Touch: 4 times

So, I ended staying up until 5, studying for psychology. Sweet Apphia allowed me to study at her place. Thanks! Along with the test, I had two other quizzes. I bombed my QBA quiz, simply because i didn't do half of it. I completely forgot to study the one portion that was straight from the worksheet she had given to us. I had even told Tommy to study it! And to top it off, I am sick... once again. I feel horrible. I don't want to do anything. Don't want to go anywhere. I just want to cry away my pain.

*sniff sniff

[sigh] There are so many reasons why I wish I could go back in time.

Who: Robbie Seay!
Where: University Baptist Church; 1701 Dutton Street; Waco, TX 76706
When: 8 p.m.
How much: $5
Why?: BECAUSE THEY ROCK!!!!

So yesterday, I met Cindy. Cindy is Jairo's friend. They are in Delta Sig together. So back to meeting Cindy, met her at lunch. Introduced myself. Small talked. I asked her if Jairo was a playboy. She said, "well, look at him..." (teehee, that was a good laugh). The gang laughed. She asked about Highland. She told me about Antioch and life group. Invited me to go. I, having the obsessive compulsive tendency to say yes, simply said yes.

So today, out on a TOTAL whim, went to her life group!

[man, i seriously need to consult my mind before I say stuff.]

I enjoyed it. Meeting new people has always been fun for me. I love it.

Schedule 4/20
8:00 - Theater
9:00 - Breakfast
9:30 - Logic
11:00 - Study Psy
12:00 - Meet with Jen
1:00 to 2:30 - Study Psy
2:45 - Gym
3:30 - Shower
4:00 - Bible Study
5:00 - Study Psy
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Study Psy
7:30 - GIG
8:15 - Welcome Week Meeting
10:00 - Walk
10:30 to [the time I die] - Study Psy

"i gave her my heart...and she gave me a pen." Lloyd from Say Anything

Garden State

yesterday, we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. New favorite on my list of movies. I absolutely adored it. I just loved the artistic motifs and elaborate cinematography. At the same time, it struck a chord in my heart...

I already want to go see it again.

So yeah, i'm here in waco while most everybody is back home. I've been preoccupying myself with work that i don't necessarily need to do, but it would be for my benefit to do so. Urm, yeah. Apphia called me in the afternoon, telling me that she was back in town and wanted to eat dinner with me. She also told me DIANE was visiting! So i expected just the three of us to go eat dinner. Well, She comes and picks me up around 7:30. I see Diane in the front seat, and another person in the backseat. I assumed it was her brother or someone. So, i opened the door and i greeted Diane with a scream and said hello to Apphia. And then i looked to my left. This girl presents her hand and says, "hi, i'm hannah"

*grace screams* AHHHHH

IT'S HANNAH! I roomed with hannah at Urbana! it was sooo wild. I was soo happy to see her! *gleams

Dinner was great. Hannah shared her testimony. She speaks so passionately. I love it. Then Diane shared her experiences in Juarez, powerful stories of healing, prayer, and community. I missed them soo much.

hrm, let's see.

hola. so...

A little update, shall we?

- 5 weeks left of the semester
- Easter weekend -- *shrugs*
- JSA Formal -- not sure if i'm going, want to have a date so cheaper price
- MSO Banquet -- don't want to miss AFC, may be mandatory
- Finals -- start studying NOW. LIKE ASAP

I went to Race for the Cure and Steppin' Out. I had fun. Oh man, 6:30 in the morning. That was killer. I don't know how I managed to wake up during my years in high school. Speaking of lack of sleep, i'm going to go take a nap now.

I fare thee well. Parting is such sweet sorrow...

it's really interesting how you can only interact with certain people. There's bound to be someone that you just click with, and then, there are others who have the tendency to rub you the wrong way. I tried to adopt this idea of getting along with everybody and anybody ever since i understood social interaction. That there had to be something that we (that person and I) can connect on a certain level. My theory is somewhat at fault. My conclusion is still in progress.

Hanna and I went to CPR class yesterday. It was tedious and repetitive. aiyah. 6 hours of my life was spent in the same room watching a movie with dummies. I mean, I passed the test. I made new acquaintances. I just wished I had been sleeping instead. Afterwards, we walked across campus to Pizza Hut. We talked about random stuff. But the one thing i remember was that she asked me something. She asked me, "Why don't you talk, Grace? I mean, you tell me stuff when I ask you questions. But I've never heard you talk."

I gave her a series of excuses:
- my dad
- limited friends in high school
- seeming ignorant, foolish, dumb, idiotic, etc.

...But it boils down to the fact that i just don't have much to say. I wish I could tell you that i was an interesting person. Yet, I don't even know that. I have and will say this again: I lost a sense of myself.

Maybe Ashley Christian was right: I am boring.

Thank you for those in the past that have asked me why i am so quiet, why i don't talk that much. I didn't think you noticed.

Friday
- bombed my psychology test
- went to Hillsboro on the way to Dallas
- ate pho with Zoe, Eva, Peter, Samuel, Daniel, Jenni, and Andrew

Saturday
- Stonebriar
- Eva's place for Korean dramas in Chinese
- korean food for dinner...soo goood

Sunday
- worship at Dallas Chinese Fellowship Church
- dim sum at Lucky house (?)
- Java - Rasberry Tea, Chess
- Nap at Eva's
- Elf
- Korean dramas in Chinese

Monday
- Awaji
- Dunkin' Donuts
- Adventure Golf, Batting Cages
- Eva's fried rice for dinner [yum]

The weekend was nice. I enjoyed it very much so. Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcomed. I felt really special. It was great how each day, we spent it with someone new. On Saturday, it was Daniel who went to Stonebriar and dinner with us. Sunday - met up with Gracie at church and Java. Monday - Pham to eat lunch, watch us play putt putt and batting cages.

good times. good times...

[Coming home]

I realize why I don't come home that often...i belong to a dysfunctional family. Yeah, I believe that. It is taking me awhile to accept it, but I'm learning to love the fact.

My dad is mad at me. My brother likes to argue with me. My mom is hardly home. My other brother can't seem to find himself, and among other things intermingling with the fact that our family lives on lies. We all put up fronts of who we truly are to appease each other. It's been like this since I've had a memory.

I also want to address why I am the way I am
- I am indecisive. The reason: I've never been able to hold on to my own opinions and subjective thought. It has always been shot down by the male species of our family. I got tired of fighting so I let them have their way without speaking mine. Not to say that others are indecisive due to family circumstances, it just happen to be like that for me.

- My compulsive tendency to say "yes" even when I don't want to. I would be disciplined whenever I refused to do something I didn't want to do. "Disciplined" is a euphemism for being beat. The consequences were never once positive, needless to say. Those were the times when I felt as if my father least loved me. He didn't want me to say no. He would express his disappointment through his anger. Somehow, and I'm sure it is very valid...i apply it to everybody. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants to be said "no" to. Even if i am not in the mood, don't feel like it, or just downright uncomfortable...i will say yes, isn't that pitiful?

- My silent, quiet nature. [sigh] what can i say?

These 3 are things that make up a "pushover". I wish it wasn't so. But I do find myself lost in the abyss of college life. Again, I've lost my sight. Please guide me home.

When do you come to the point of complete and utter surrender to God?

I do want to surrender all to God. I know and have complete confidence that God is holding me in His hands. Therefore, he is control of everything. He has my plans intermingled with His plan. His plan for me is for my best interest and for the betterment of my life. Then why am i so afraid of giving up certain things that are causing me to stumble? If i really and truly trust God then giving up the nonsense of the world should be easy. =/

What have i been up to?

I have been doing my best to keep up with my work, trying to get ahead in all my classes.
I have been making a great deal of friends in and out of AFC.
I have been trying to devote everything to God.
I have been so busy that i'm physically and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

how's that for generalizations?!

Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In a maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me love
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China, right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

--------------

I must say it was a gorgeous day yesterday. I was reminded of the song above as I was walking to class. Soaking and basking in the beautiful and glorious sun. ahh, so nice.

You know, i've noticed that i am quite ignorant. I even go as far as to say that i feel like a simpleton at times. Robert and Zoe may not think so, but i do. There so many things that i am just totally naive about. It's quite sad how little i know.

I think I've lost a part of myself. I have been so caught up in establishing friendships and relationships with people that i've been giving a piece of me each time. It's been awhile since I've had time to energize on my own. To sit back and absorb the blessings of God. Cause, you know, life (i.e. college) goes by so fast. It takes effort to slow it down a bit. These are the times i miss high school. My parents brought back my sanity after class ended at 2:36. They brought me down to earth and showed me reality for what its worth. Sometimes, i wish my parents were here to nag and discipline me...because it shows that they care. I'm doing things out of my own accord. And i really don't think what I'm doing right now is furthering my career or furthering the Kingdom of God. I'm just stagnant.

But yeah, urm. For future reference, i apologize if i am aloof or standoff-ish. It's just a habit. snap your fingers at me, poke me, or scream at me to bring me back into reality. The Ecuadorians are great at doing that. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAENA~! 19 years old! Hope you have a great year and i pray that God just blesses you with his gracious gifts. =D

here i go again...

greetings.

i'm at the sub. i am filling out a questionnaire. i think i have the biggest headache known to man. richard just swung by. i am at loss for words. i am hungry again. can't wait until i get to sleep. grateful for the bible study. i love people. i love Jesus. i love God.

what motivates me to serve Christ, my love for him? or his love for me?

Jesus, King of Angels by Fernando Ortega

Jesus King of angels heaven's light
Shine Your face upon this house tonight
Let no evil come into my dreams
Light of heaven keep me in Your peace
Remind me how You made dark spirits flee
And spoke Your power to the raging sea
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man
Remind me Jesus this is what I am

The universe is vast beyond the stars
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me and bind me

With all my heart I love You Sovereign Lord
Tomorrow let me love You even more
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
Until I close my eyes and sleep again

The universe is vast beyond the stars
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me and bind me

Jesus King of angels heaven's light
Hold my hand and keep me through this night

...a lullaby for the weary.

My apologies to the world. I haven't been sincere. I love you with my falliable heart. But, Jesus loves you more than you can imagine.

Tonight, Campus Crusade had a Q&A session about "what a guy wants." I want to list some questions and general answers that I got out of it.

What turns guys on?
her relationship with Christ: All the guys on the panel were Christian and actively pursuing the things of God. So, they find that their girl needs to be actively seeking after God and has a heart to serve God. Apparently, when they see that a girl loves God with her utmost, they see her very attractive.
What turns guys off?
superficiality - "dress to impress": The girls that do dress to show off only shows her insecurity. "No matter how less you dress, it doesn't show more of who you are." The guys really felt that the substance of a woman was her character and her personality and who she was as a person. They were one in saying how girls that show too much have a sense of needing attention. Therefore, a lack of security.
girls trying too hard: With girls' flirtacious tendencies, one guy felt as if they are trying to hard to catch his attention. There's no need to make such an effort to get a guy's attention. There are other means. For instance, talking to him, getting to know him, or simply being around him within a group setting.
What are the qualities that guys want in a girl?
confidence in her inward/outward beauty: a girl that has security in who she is and is very stable as a being.
a love for family: has a genuine heart for caring for her family reflects how she is with her man.
What do guys think about flirting? or what is flirting from a guy's point of view?
"singling out a guy/girl": Spending a great amount of time with one of the opposite sex.
Should girls initiate the relationship?
NO. guys wear the pants of the relationship. It was unanimous that the guys felt as if the girl SHOULD NOT pursue the relationship because all it means is that the guy is a "wuss weenie" and unable to be the leader of the relationship. If the girl actively engages, the role of the leader is reversed and it sets the tone of it. The guy usually becomes passive and the girl becomes frustrated and the relationship crumbles.
What defines dating?
Exclusiveness that heads into the direction of marriage, simply put. All the guys felt as if the term "dating" leads to marriage because there was really no point in dating for "fun" once in college.

the Q&A was 2 hours but it was sooo worth it. It was really nice to be exposed to what relationships are all about, considering I never really discussed it in high school. But ever since i've come to college, we never stop talking about the opposite sex and relationships and dating and yada yada yada. It's really made me put into perspective about where my heart is for God and to really think about my priorities and what I want in a man...and all that jazz.

This past V-day was great. I was able to get away from school for the weekend in a looooonnngg time. I got the chance to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. My priorities, my work, and especially my relationships. Not only with my girlfriends, but the friends I've made with the opposite sex. It is so intriguing how people work. We're woven into creatures that are inexplicably remarkable. I love that about humanity. I praise God that I've been formed so differently than the people around me. And i continue to marvel at God's work in all of us.

Though, I did hear some fantastic stories about Battle of the Sexes, CPR training, adventures in Kileen, and clubbing at Grahams. I wish I could have been at two places at one time.

anyone willing to take me to austin next weekend?

you're reign is my desire.

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done.

please God. please God.

save me from my iniquities. i don't deserve you. i really don't. break me. shatter my pride. extinguish my anxiety.

a new layout. i ripped it off of blogskins. hehe. Yeah, i lack motivation and creativity to publish my own work of design.

So, here's an update. I am well. I am easily tired. I have great professors and classes. I am in two small groups. I have been 19 for 27 days. Urm, my first exam for the semester is on monday (pray for me). And I've been learning a lot about myself that I wish I hadn't but am grateful nonetheless....

...because i realize that God reveals things to me for a purpose. For me to learn about who I am in Christ. I am entitled to know who God has made me to be, especially who God has made me to be in Christ. I want to fall deeper in love with my Savior. To the point where I view him as the lover of my deepest most inner parts.