basketball equals life?

So playoffs. Rockets versus the world.

Don't strangle me, but I don't understand the appeal of watching basketball. I'd much rather play sports than just watch it. And if I do watch sports, I only watch cause my friends are playing (ie intramurals). There just seems to be too much hype that I may never understand. Well, maybe one day I will if I pledge loyalty to one particular city, not being Houston.

In other news, God is so good. Today, I realize that my past doesn't matter. It has shaped who I am today. But living in the past only causes you to move backward in time. The present is happening now and the future is only seconds away. And with each second, passes a minute, then an hour, and before you know it, the entire day has flown by without you knowing it because you're still holding on to that first second or that distant memory that happen a billion seconds ago.

What else? I've also come to the realization that what people think about me doesn't matter. I mean, I care what people think and how they feel about life. But what they think of me is not a concern for me. They may think all they want. But I answer to God. And I want my life to exemplify the blood of Christ and what that shed blood means for me and for the rest of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about accountability. If I've done wrong, I want people to confront me about it. But I don't mean to sound self-righteous or conceited, but it doesn't happen often that people call me out. I don't know whether they're afraid of calling me out or I'm just to quiet of a girl for them to notice that I've done wrong and my mistakes slip through the cracks. But again, I'll answer to God for any lack of faith or disobedience.

I've also learned that I can't force people to say anything. Often times, I find my curiosity biting me in the butt. I ask too many questions or I become so nosy that people get irritated at me for invading their hoola hoop. But I'm not doing it out of malicious intent. It's purely out of concern and wanting to hear your story. And how can I pray for you if I don't understand? I don't know. This relationship thing is hard.

God, grant me patience to love and love without ceasing.

Maybe basketball does translate into life. Flagrant foul, hah.

Love is patient.

How have my expectations of men suddenly risen exponentially? I'm so much more hurt now than when I didn't desire to follow the Lord. I don't understand. I thought it would be easier to trust and love with God on my side.

I've given more of my soul and my heart in the last three weeks than I ever had in the last 24 years of my life. It has been rewarding and beautiful, but needless to say, I'm broken down constantly.

trust. forgive. love. will I?

Plea

God,

Will you be here now? This world doesn't make much sense to me. Please help.

Grace

Complete exhaustion.

I am so tired.

In the past month, I've gone out so much I don't think my dog recognizes me anymore. He bit me and I'm a bit upset at him for it. Anyway, when i first started working, I took every opportunity to rest and sleep on the weekends. But lately, I am constantly going out. I don't know if it's the holiday buzz and that I'm always itching to go out, but I'm getting burnt out. And the sad thing is, I don't really know where my time has went and I haven't had much time to evaluate myself in all of the busyness. And it's not like my time is spent helping others or anything selfless. It's all really selfish.

Today, I thought to myself, why am I constantly going out? Is it because I'm running away or avoiding the inevitable? Or is it because I can't say no? It's probably both. But what am i doing? I think the more I go out, the more lost I become. I'm in social situations where I'm uncomfortable and awkward where I could be at home cleaning my room for my feng shui. I'm eating more and more where I could be at the gym walking off that love handle...probably should be doing more than walking, but I'm not even doing that! Anyway, the more unfamiliar the territory, the more quiet I become. I tell myself, there's nothing wrong with being quiet and sweet. If they don't like you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't try to be somebody you know you can't be.

I also am so guarded that it hurts. I've built a fortress with an iron gate around my heart and the fortress continues to build and become impenetrable. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows. I'll sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning.

note: must be nicer to guys...they have feelings too.

theory

I have a theory. I believe the reason that I, among all cute girls, don't have a boyfriend is because I'm too cute.

Now, please stay with me. No, I'm not full of myself nor am I delusional. The reason why is because guys are naturally more visual and therefore, more inclined to be attracted to girls that have a more obvious beauty. So girls like me are left to feel insecure and alone. But the only justification I have is not that I'm not good enough or there's something inherently gross about my demeanor. I've concluded that I'm too cute. Guys see me and I remind them of a little girl, a child, a little sister. So, naturally, they wouldn't pursue someone what reminds them of a sister. What eventually happens is that I'm seen as a friend, someone they can confide in about their endeavors with women and the hot date they have at the end of the week.

...maybe a little delusional.

*sigh. It's sad. Every time I meet a guy, I immediately think of what are the chances of me being attracted to him. Usually it's a no, but why do I do that? I think every chance I meet a guy is an opportunity to meet the man of my life. Is that wrong? Should I have a healthier mentality about men? And if I do need to shift gears, how do I consciously stop looking? I imagine myself, talking to myself, "Stop looking, stop loooking, STOP LOOKING!" Really?

Maybe, just maybe. Guys' standards have risen as well. Granted, I haven't talked to too many guys. But maybe the reason that all my friends are single isn't because there's something wrong with us, but something wrong with them! Ha. They just can't see a good thing coming unless it hits them.

No, no, no. I'm starting to think too much or too wayward. God is in charge. he appoints the one we're to be with under the appropriate circumstances. There's no need to rush or come to hasty conclusions because God's plan is perfect. I just need to believe in His perfection and have faith in His provision. Will I ever learn?

Memorial Weekend Festivities.

Friday:
After work, I went to Chinese Community Center to watch Ivan and Joann play ping-pong. I had no intention of playing, but once Ivan's Dad had arrived, I became Joann's opponent. I had left my converse shoes in my trunk from the week before so I was in my work clothes while wearing my pink and white flowers converses. Played until 8 and Joann and I went to church to prepare decorations for VBS. I was exhausted, hungry, and grumpy, moreso, grumpy because I was exhausted and hungry. But it was productive.

Saturday:
I woke up late so I didn't make it in time for Body Works Plus Abs at LA Fitness. But I went to the gym anyway. Met up with Jennifer, made some dinner plans, and said goodbyes. I ran for a bit and went home to take a shower. Elaine calls and asks if I want to run some errands with her, but I had made plans to watch Iron Man with Michael. So, I asked if she wanted to come along. Unfortunately, Michael is sick. It ended up just being Elaine and I watching the movie that we've both have already seen which I think is kind of funny. Iron Man is still good the second time around. Afterwards, we went to Cheesecake Factory because Elaine was craving the Santa Fe salad. Then Joann met us up to eat our cheesecake and to go with us to order VBS t-shirts. After we talked to the store owner about the details for our t-shirt design, we went to swirll because I hadn't seen the self-serve machines. Met Elizabeth's brother and politely greeted the store owner, Ken. Then I went back to Sugar Land to eat dinner with Jen and Howie at Ichiban. It was okay. Not as good as I thought it would be. Elaine invited me to hang out with her friends at Genjy's so I went. It was kind of awkward, but after two beers, I was beginning to feel more loose. We sang karaoke and drank. Then we went to KTV for more karaoke and more drinking. I think I drank too much, so Joann drove me home while Elaine followed behind.

Sunday:
Church. Enjoy Life. Everything is meaningless. VBS decorations afterwards. I was getting delusional from the lack of sleep. We agreed to go watch Narnia at 5 so we went to Starbucks for some energy and to kill time. Movie was good. PRINCE CASPIAN is mine. He is not the next Orlando Bloom. Then ate dinner at TGIF.

I really enjoyed the movie. Not only was it because of Prince Caspian himself, but I really enjoy movies that have Christian elements integrated into the plot line. Even though the references were subtle, it was done tastefully well.

I can't stop looking. I can't help but look. I wonder if it's really true that once you stop looking, love will hit you without you knowing it. I've been told that since I consciously and constantly look for love, it is less likely to happen.

miscommunication

It's odd. A lot of miscommunication happens between me and other parties. I think I've engaged in about a dozen of cases where there was miscommunication between myself and friends, co-workers, siblings and/or a family member, a customer service rep, and just random people I run into day-to-day.

Does this happen to you? There's a break-down in communication and there's an awkward period of time where you wonder if you were able to transmit/receive the message accurately. Happens to me all the time. And I pride myself in being a good listener, for crying out loud.

aiye.

So, I'm back in my mode again. Asking God: Where's my man? haha. Would it be best to be with someone completely unlike me and follow the classic line of "opposites attract"? I usually think that's best because I'm already kind of reserved. I need someone to get me out of my shell. I also think about where am I going to find this guy? I think I'm pretty settled down. And there aren't any guys that have stricken me down with googly-eyed, heart-pumping, mumbling symptoms. Where is he? But then I catch myself in my daydreaming and wonder, why don't I ask God?

Because I want what I want which isn't necessarily what I need. And only God knows what I need. Unfortunately, what God knows isn't what I know. But it must be better! It has to be, it has to be!

Check one.

I got a job! I'm officially an employee at Golden Bank, N.A. My first week was pretty much a roller coaster. I've already had a few good days and some dreadful days. I'm already getting that Gah-I-have-to-work-but-I-go-anyway feeling.

I was talking to Ivan about growing up and getting a job. He mentioned that since I have a job, the next logical step is to get married. I hadn't even thought about marriage. Of course I've thought about relationships (practically all my life), but it never occurred to me that it's now. Marriage? Really? Well, of course, it depends on what you're doing and where you're at in life. But Really? But I'm not really interested in marriage just yet. Maybe a relationship though.

So now, I'm thinking about "what's next?" Where will God take me? Where will my friends and I stand in our relationships? How will my family adjust to our coming transitions? Do I focus more on my career or my family aspirations?

I guess all these questions will be answered in the future. For now, I'm going to look to God because no one else will do.

Capricorn Horoscope
Wednesday April 2, 2008

Your foundations are rattled and you need to quickly figure out the best way to maintain stability. It's really not as bad as it first appears and you could become very excited about the possibilities. The greatest obstacle could be your resistance to uncertainty. You like to feel secure by building on solid ground, but may have to live with less structure for a while. Let your exhilaration override your fears now.

wish-list

A lot has been running through my head lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the root of it all is that I wish for things that I cannot have or for change that I find impossible.

Grace's wishes that may or may not come true list: (3/08)
I wish for a...
job
baby
boyfriend
nice body
masters degree
singing career

It's times like these that I really miss my girls. Even though they're a phone call away, I find talking on the phone awkward and frightening. I'm notorious for screening my phone calls. I don't even know why I do that. Anyway, I digress. I miss them. This is where I wish I lived closer to them. I can talk to them because they lived right across the street. I can run into them between classes. I can play hooky and go out to eat lunch with them and make fun of each other.

It's not personal, it's strictly business

Why do I take things so personal? Why do I read so much into what people say or do? Why do women get so emotionally stirred?

It's not personal, it's just good business.

Right. That's why there's no women in executive boards. That's why there's a glass ceiling. We get too caught up about how we feel or how others feel rather than on cold hard facts.

I need to have this mentality. It's not personal. Don't think so much. Don't take offense. I've taken rejection before. How is this any different?

It's not, I keep telling myself, It's not. Be strong. Be faithful. Be good.

I love music.
I love singing.
I love dancing.
I love watching people dance.
I love performing.
I love playing guitar.
I love watching movies.
I love making people laugh.
I love to travel.
I love experiencing new things.
I love...love.

bored much.

For my church small group, we're going through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruits of the Spirit. It's a 10-week study guide and since we only meet once a month, this study guide is going to last the span of a year for us. woohoo. Before we meet, we're to have the section done. This past Wednesday night was our first session. It was a good one. Good one to come to since I've been back.

...I wrote this long explanation of what had spoken to me. But I decided to not ruin the book for you. I may update with spiritual epiphanies in the future. But for now, "I am bored with God and that's not good" is sufficient.

Passport Renewal

As I waited to get my passport renewed, this guy's daugther kept staring at me and waving at me. She was about 2 or 3 years old. I tried to be cool because I don't really know how to interact with kids and waved back. But she just kept staring at me and tried to inch towards me every few minutes. Her father noticed this and kept pulling her back. She shows me her drawing (which was simply some scribbles on a sheet of paper) as if to say, "Look at my awesome drawing!" I nodded and smiled. She mumbled something. And I replied, "Huh?" with a stupified expression on my face. The father smiled politely at me and went back to speaking with the agent. A few moments later, the agent reached over to the girl and exclaimed, "That's a beautiful picture! A beautiful picture!"

The little girl looked at her and then looked away and then at me and inched towards me again. The father pulled her back.

The agent says, "She doesn't like me. She keeps flirting with that lady over there."

complacency.

Don't settle. Don't settle for mediocrity. You were meant for great things. Don't let circumstances or situations determine your standards. Aim high.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.

ambiguous

Looking for a job is tough. I haven't been hired yet. I'm totally qualified and selling myself. But it's not enough. I was wondering if the fact that I look like a high school student hindering me from getting a job.

Do you have the gift of singlehood? No, I don't believe I do. I'm constantly wondering and praying about my future husband. I kind of wish I had the gift of singlehood. That would make my life so much easier. That way, I could focus on God and his plans for me. I wonder if I should pray for the gift of singlehood. But then, I'll have the fear of it coming true once I start praying for it.

Maybe I'll just stay where I am...stagnant.

Greetings, my old friend.

Amazing.

It's so weird to be back. Now that I have nothing else going on in my life besides being at home, I come back to where I started, here.

I've been through a lot of changes in the last year. I basically shifted my social group to a group of girls that I've come to love and really respect. I started off the year still unsure of who my friends were and now that I've come to the end of 2007, it's really clear to me where I value my relationships. I still have a problem maintaining my friendships but it's nice to know that I don't have to try so hard or fake so hard to please everybody now that I do things for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as selfish as that statement comes off. But my life is my own and if I can't own up to it, who will?

So, I'm in the transitioning part of my life where I need to get a job. But all I want to do is to get married!

haha.

That's funny to say as I type this. But unfortunately, it is very true. One of my longtime crushes just got engaged. And he's younger than me. I couldn't believe it. He's such a likeable guy. Many girls had a crush on him, I believe. But the upsetting part is that I got upset. Why?? Why should I be upset when I barely know this guy? Then it occured to me that I want the life he has. I want to be engaged. I want to be settled in the fact that I've found the one that I will be with for the rest of my life. I got upset because my dreams are happening to other people and it makes me wonder if they're more fortunate than I am. Here I am, at home, without a job and without a man. From my viewpoint, it looks quite pitiful and what saddens me more is that the little voice of hope in my head is very faint and distant.

I have a hard time seeing the future. haha. But I have to pray. I have to pray that even though I can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not there for me to get a hold of.

Monthly Update.

I've come to a turning point in my life. I'm going to graduate in about a month, and I'm feeling like most graduates in my position would feel, fearing the unknown. I'm afraid I'm one of those college graduates that doesn't know what she wants to do now that she's graduated and dreads people asking, "So what are you doing now that you're done with school? Are you looking for a job? Do you have a boyfriend? When are you going to grow up, little girl?"

It's so daunting that I don't want to even think about it. Yes, I'm excited to finally finish school after 4.5 years of nonexistent studying and consistent procrastination (which is not completely true, but mostly), but I want to have a constant in my life. I fear that if I don't keep myself somewhat productive I may revert back to my destructive nature.

Anyway, that's just in the back of my head. Something I'll worry about later I suppose.

ASA is good, I suppose. Asian Fest is coming up. Although I'm missing a portion of it, I'm kind of relieved. Relieved that I won't have to pretend I want to be there when a big part of me doesn't. I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't have so much responsibility weighing me down when it comes to this event, but that's not true either. Every aspect that goes to event planning is so crucial and every issue must be communicated. I want so badly for ASA to go a certain route, but even when I try, there always seems to be opposition. Therefore, I become frustrated and end up conceding. Then, I run with my tail between my legs in the other direction because I have no where else to go.

I'm afraid I don't belong anymore, anywhere. Maybe it's because I have an issue with authority. Throughout my time as an ASA officer, I've always had an issue with the president. I may have this rebellious side of me that I didn't realize until I'm about to graduate. I suppose I hate people telling me what to do. I become defensive and therefore, retaliate by avoiding the situation altogether which would explain why I'm MIA when they need me the most. Thus, making me very unreliable. It's funny because I look back and I see it had happened with every single one of them.

I sorted through my pictures once again and I realize that I have much more loyalty to AFC than to ASA. Most of my pictures are of the family I've developed in AFC rather than the major events I contributed to in ASA. But, I look at both organizations and I don't see myself anymore.

All this to say, I don't belong.

Isn't that sad? My biggest fear after graduating is knowing that I hadn't made any impact at Baylor. My biggest fear is that people won't remember me at all. It's not that I want to be a legend, but I just want to be someone who participated and contributed much to the organizations that I was involved in. Is that too much? Noo, I don't think so. I hope not at least.

One more month, just one more month.

Negotiation is life.

So I've started classes for the Fall semester. I'm hoping that these are the last set of classes that I'll be taking for at least a while. It hasn't set in that I'll be graduating soon. But I'm excited.

I learned a few things today or lately:
I'm rather slow at processing information.
My conflict style is avoiding.
I'm really bad at negotiating.

Lately, I've realized that it takes me a while to react to things. In turn, I feel like I'm also slow at processing information. I used to pride myself in being quick and understand things pretty easily. But just recently, that it isn't so. I've become lethargic and sluggish when it comes to understanding.

In my principled leadership class, we took a survey that showed which conflict style you fit into. I was avoiding. I have a low view of myself as well as in others. So, when a conflict arises in a group setting, I may have something in mind to resolve the situation but will tend to keep it to myself than cause any more problems.

I'm also taking a negotiations class. This week we've had two negotiations in class so far. I remember the professor mentioning that compromise is an option. But he told us never to compromise. He also told us to make the first offer. I didn't make the first offer, and I also compromised. I'm so disappointed in myself. I tend to hate on myself when I know there are things that I could have done to make the negotiation better, but it doesn't just apply to the negotiation. I'm also hard on myself whenever I fail in whatever situation it is.