"As I Began to Love Myself..." by Charlie Chaplin

"As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE."

sacrifice

I think my new best friend is...my mom! No joke. I've spoken to her a handful of times since my trip home in April. She and I catch up on what's going on in our respective places or the latest family gossip, and it's become comfortable and comforting to express our feelings. People always say their mom is the best. But how can everyone's mom be the best? I guess, best is relative to what they know and have experienced. But I really do think my mom is the best. lol.

She truly epitomizes the word "sacrifice". Today, my boss says, "it's payday! but also, it's payment day..." She says that having children, you don't realize how much you rack up in credit card bills. She says she ends up spending more on her children than herself. And she'd rather have it that way. My mom is no different. She has sacrificed her time, money, and energy to her family and still does the same to this day. She has a truly gentle spirit, always quick to listen rather than speak. Her heart is somehow always full and always giving to her family and friends. She is most likely the most Christ-like example in my life.

Back to this Mom-being-my-best-friend...I never thought in a million years that this would be the case. But it's definitely for the better because with each visit, I see my parents aging. It does get disheartening that my trips back usually involve many visits to the hospital or reports on their health. I hope my trip next year would be more exclusive to spending more quality time, perhaps a true family vacation.

Sweet and naive

I went on a date last week with a nice fellow. There were moments where his face reminded me of Michael Fassbender. He was smaller in stature than I had expected. We had a nice, pleasant conversation. I didn't feel a spark between us...from him or myself. By the end, he excused himself for needing rest, and I was shocked that he didn't walk me to my car. But, he did pay for dinner! He sent me a message later on saying he had enjoyed himself and the message included his number and that I could text him if i wanted to...

It was indifference. Like "Hey you're cool but not cool enough for me to ask for your number and pursue you."  Or, he had met with me and I was either not as attractive (physically, personality, intellectually) as he had thought or he realized he wasn't ready for the whole dating scene since his divorce which I assume was recent.

I talked with Mom yesterday. I told her about the date and expressed that I didn't feel any "電" which is odd because it's the first time I hadn't felt a connection with a date. With the men that I've met over the last year, there has always been some sort of "spark". I wondered if it's a sign that I've gotten a change of heart or something that I haven't put my finger on just yet.

Mom said something nice in response. She said that I just need to remember to "be me" with these men. She said that I'm a sweet girl and the men I've dated probably noticed this quality about me early on. So, they were unable to commit to someone like me and instinctively ended things before getting too involved in fear of something serious or fear of getting hurt... or possibly hurting a sweet girl like me.

The Eagle Scout

He swiped right for me. We met for wine. He was unexpectedly attractive and attracted. We had so many wonderful moments. Improv Comedy Night with a side of Jack. Skating in Discovery Green. Cruising around enjoying the Lights. Birthday steak and wine for a night in. Home decor shopping in Goodwill.

Everything seemed perfect and smooth. Up until one moment. Then, a whirlwind of fears. A change of heart. Commitment phobia. Emotional unavailability. Silence. Rejection rears its terrible head in my corner.

I tell myself each time that I'll learn from my mistakes. I'll do better next time. I remind myself this isn't my first time to deal with this bitch named Heartbreak.

I can't control others' feelings towards me.

I have to let go of the anguish/despair of having someone...not love me back.

If he had wanted to, he'd make the time for me as he once did.

I'm dealing with the sames issues as before...what a horrendous cycle.

Adulting

Last week marked my 3-month anniversary being back in the states for an indefinite amount of time. I feel like I've aged significantly. There are so many strands of white hair that I've lost count. But with that, comes my freedom which I really do cherish.

Now I know how the guys at KC were feeling. The choice to choose what you want to do. Where you want to go. Who you want to be. I relish in the fact that all these feelings are new and liberating. Something I've never had the pleasure of enjoying. And now, at 32, I can say that I am. Yes, it will be difficult at times to make ends meet, but all of this, will be my decision. I am responsible for what comes next. Scary, but invigorating.

a rap endeavor

I went to karaoke with a coworker and friends last week. I love singing karaoke. I can't let go of the mic sometimes. There was this guy who also liked to sing. For Evanescence's My Immortal, he exclaimed, "I need a girl!" I replied, "I'm a girl!" Too bad the third mic wasn't working. It didn't stop me though. I belted out the girl part like the diva I wish I was. As the night continued, I drank more and stole the mic whenever I could. For one particular song, I think it was the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I had the mic in my hand from the previous song, and suddenly, Josh snatched it out of my hands. I yelled, "Hey!" The guy next to me saw and gave me that look like I can't believe he did that either. And he did it again sometime later. So rude! One of the songs I entered was Nicki Minaj's Super Bass as a joke because Kailee liked to sing that song at her place. I had a good time rapping and everyone was impressed.

So, I have decided to start learning rap songs to perform at karaoke. Because they're fun and not many girls are good at rapping. I think it'll be a fun hobby and maybe improve my speaking skills even more, not like I need them.

I want to start becoming a better story teller. So, I'll start recording stories here because they may be too personal or long to post on Facebook.

Back in 2006, I went to Vegas with Elaine and Haena to go see Rain in concert. I knew about him, but I wouldn't say I was a big hardcore fan of his music. They were enjoyable, but I don't think I knew his songs well enough to feel like I got my money's worth. I simply went to Vegas because I wanted to go crazy.

I wasn't a big party girl while in college. I rarely, if ever, went to clubs while in Waco. The club scene just wasn't appealing enough. But I was 21 and felt like if I had to pop my club cherry, the only way to do it was in Vegas.

Our first night there, we went to Jet. We had a pre-party in the room with a lot of shots. So by the time we got to the club, I was tipsy. I was with our group for a little bit, but then decided to wander off. I started dancing with this random guy. He was getting way too touchy. I would push him away, but he'd come back for more. I liked the attention and his persistence, so I played hard-to-get some more. By this time, I was getting messages to return to the group. As I left him, I saw the shocked look he had on his face, but I didn't care. As I approached the group, a very good-looking blonde guy stopped my tracks. We had a short funny conversation.

He says, "Hey, you're hot! Where are you from?
"Texas!"
"Cool, I'm from L.A.!"
"Hey! Me too!"
[Confused look.]
He grabs my ass. And I slap it away.
"Do you want to come up to my room and play Scrabble?"
"Scrabble? I'd own you in Scrabble. In fact, I'd OWN YOUR MOM IN SCRABBLE!"
[OOH, burned face]
I walk away. I finally got to the group. I asked Haena to look at the guy to see if he was hot. She says, "HE'S SO HOT." Aye, missed encounters.

I still can't believe how much control I had over my alcohol and sexuality. In some ways, I wish I still had it.

the ones that got away

I've noticed that the men I've dated have all been assholes in one way or another. Maybe they aren't really assholes, but it certainly felt like they were after they took their exit.I was too blinded by my emotions to see that each one of them has hurt me in one way or another.

1. He was the first guy that I had a crush on while in college. He was sweet to me. He made me laugh. He always wanted to find time to talk to me. But he never made a move or made a distinctive point to ask me out. The asshole who led me on.
2. He made promises. He declared his affection for me. He devoted his time to care for me. He graduated and move away. He had wandering eyes. The asshole who cheated on me.
3. He just wanted to stay in. He never came to pick me up for a date...I always went to his place. He'd call when he was horny. The asshole who used me for sex.
4. He pursued me. He wanted to see me again. He enjoyed our conversations. He called me "gorgeous." He lives a 40-minute bus ride away. The asshole who just wasn't interested.
5. He thought I was a good dancer. He was attracted me the moment he met me. The asshole who doesn't call.
6. He was a self-proclaimed romantic. He loves movies. He would die for his friends. He bought my plane ticket. He asked me to the Ball. He wished for "the One." He romanced me. He told me I was beautiful. He started to doubt the relationship would work. He wasn't willing to fight for me. The asshole who broke my heart.

Fitness goals

Hello, again. I've missed you, sweet blog. You've always been good to me, taking down my memories and thoughts since the start. You've been my constant through thick and thin.

I finally bought fitness shorts.It's meant to motivate me to start running again. I've always hated running, and I still do. I know it's the best cardio because it gets your heart going much quicker than swimming and you can practically run anywhere. I've got the shorts. Maybe once I see and feel results, I'll get the fitness shirt to complete my outfit.

I hope to start and maintain a running habit into the spring.