I took this test like a year ago...=/ or maybe like 9 months ago...9 to 12 months ago...i took this test...for some reason the results are a bit different...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

I'm at an internet cafe this lovely Saturday night. Our cable at home ain't working so i don't have online access and that also means no tv either. I feel deprived of my computer. I am, actually. Maybe it's a good thing...getting away from my high speed internet access. So yeah, three dollars for an hour at a public use of computers. blah. This week's weather has been so completely awesome. I love it. It was a great time, freezing my face off. I've always enjoyed cold weather for some reason. I guess since i live in such a HOT, HUMID state, I appreciate coldness so much more.

I also went to Rice today. Spent a couple of hours at the Library doing my homework. I promised God that I would do my best to do my homework only on Saturdays from now on. I felt so cool. I felt like I was one of the students at Rice. It's just like the movies you guys! they casually sit on benches in the courtyard, talking to new acquaintances after the lunch break, or busily working on that paper that's due the next day. I felt so grown up. hehe. Well, anyway, that's my lifestyle next year so i shouldn't be so surprised or whatever.

John 13 - the washing of the disciples' feet by the big cheese, the big man upstairs, the big guy, Jesus Christ. I've been going back to the fellowship at my school early in the morning on Tues and Thurs. It's weird. Maybe it's way too early for some of the kids that go. They don't seem very ecstatic about the word. *shrugs*. I'm pretty sure it's because of the earlyness. It would be cool if we all just got together one day after school and hung out. I dunno. Anyway, the passage was reintroduced to me. I'd forgotten how sweet the message of it really is. It not only shows the idea of being servants no matter what background a person may come from. Just the idea of the meekness of Jesus is...man. That is really neato.

Time to go...going home to eat some hot pot.

I spent the entire night coughing, and now I have a sexy sexy voice...hehehehe

"because love isn't really love when it's dictated. God wants us to be able to choose, I think. to come to Him not because we're puppets, but because He really does offer the only good deal out there."

My throat feels like its been scratched by a ferocious cat cause i've been coughing like a constipated donkey

Over 300 people were either saved or rededicated their lives to Jesus at Festival Con Dios (Houston). Heaven is going to be super crowded man.

[music: Softer to Me - Relient K]

It hasn't occured to me that it is Hallow's Eve tonight.

I had a weird dream yesterday night. My dad was mad at me again. He disowned me. He refused to see me. I left in my car. I drove to the middle nowhere. My warning light that indicated my battery is used up kept shining. I felt very anxious and worried. Praying for my car to just keep driving like Brother Andrew's car. Then i woke up.

I kept thinking about going to school during the day. I hate missing class. I was hoping to get an award for perfect attendance this year =P i guess that aint happening. Rebecca St James, Charlie Hall, Superchick at First Baptist tomorrow night...i wanna go.

I'll be truthful with you. I'll be frank. I'm scared to death. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of possibly not being accepted into college. What will happen? Will i have to stay at home like a bum? I have been delaying to send my apps in because I'm hoping that it will look better once I get a job or once i get into NHS. Okay, I'm a sellout. I have to follow the system. I NEED to follow the system of society. If not, my parents will kill me. I'll become a loser. With no identity. I fear that I won't have an identity within society. No not fame or acceptance. No, i want identity. I want to be recognized as Grace, the girl with a lot of potential. Grace, the girl who's going to succeed in life, not necessarily money. Grace, a great woman of God. Grace, the head of the ministry at so and so. I need an identity with God. I need to know where to go for college. It's like asking a boy out. Will he say yes or will he say no? Either way, you anticipate his answer and you daydream about the way that he accepts you. Just like college. I desire to know that i'm accepted before i even send in my applications. My gosh my gosh. So much so much that I can't handle it. WIthin it all, my sanity comes from music and God. All the while that i've been applying, I've always turned to God for comfort because he's the only one that can give it. I suck. i'm such a dirtbag without my God. So give me peace Jesus, give me rest within your arms. Oh great light of the world, shine your truth in me. Let your faith impart in my being. Please God hear my cry. I need you soo much. I need you beyond what words could possibly say. Oh God, God I'm your child. Let me know what you want of me. Let me sacrifice my being for your truth, your way, and your light.

And she sleeps....

Blah Blah Blah....home cause I'm sick. I haven't been sick for over a year now. Blah Blah Blah

There it is. My change. My change of template of my blog. You like? No? well, no matter. what's done is done.

I've decided. I'm going to make a big change...yes, a big change. Change is a big step, as you know, for a great number of people. I've gotten enough balls to do this. I might as well as do it sooner than later when I regret it.

My eyes hurt as if needles are being jammed into the windows of my brain.

*giggles" hehehe

RAIN

I just watched Pretty Woman for like the thousandth time. I don't think I could ever get sick of that movie. I've been watching a lot of tv movies lately. I can't get enough of them. The classics just get to me every time. I'm just going to list a few movies i absolutely love

City of Angels
Addicted to love
Saving Private Ryan
You've Got Mail
An Affair to Remember
Now and Then
Can't Hardly Wait
A Walk to Remember
Patriot
Black Hawk Down
Lord of the Rings
When Harry met Sally
French Kiss
City Slickers III
Maverick
Sleepless in Seattle
Philadelphia
Breakfast Club
Pretty in Pink
16 Candles
The 5th Element
Pretty Woman

My selection consists of mostly romantic comedies...yes. I am a hopeless romantic, topped with a sense of humor. I also like war or epic movies. There's a lot of bravado and camaderie within the plot. I like that. "Leave no man behind!"

Here am I
MercyMe

On the other side of the world
she stands on the ocean shore
Gazing at the heavens she wonders
Is there something more
Never been told the name of Jesus
She turns and walks away
What a shame

Just across the street in your hometown
Leaving from his nine to five
Gazing down the road he wonders
is this all there is to life
Never been told the name of Jesus
He continues on his way
What a shame

Whom shall I send
Who will go for me
To the ends of the earth
Who will rise up for the King
Here am I send me
Here am I send me

Whether foregin land or neighbors
Everyone's the same
Searching for the answers
That lie within your name
I want to proclaim the name of Jesus
In all I do and say
Unashamed

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news
Proclaiming peace and your salvation

When they sang this song, the show was finished. It was the best part of the entire day for me. I could left right after and had the best time. It just reminded me of the best time of my life. It reminded me of the sweetest moments in all my life. It wasn't with friends. It wasn't secretly crushing on a cute boy. It wasn't getting straight A's for the entire semester. It was being held. For a moment, I felt warmth within my soul in the storm.

Avril Lavigne is a punk rock poser. But if you like sellouts who put up a front, you buy who you like.

Wow. Man, I still don't know how to take compliments. The compliments seem to go in one ear and out the other. I have trouble holding people accountable to their words because it is a struggle for me to trust people. Especially when it comes to complimenting me. I guess I have this set idea of who I am ever since I was a little girl, and it stuck. I can't get rid of it. The set idea of a fat chinese girl who'll never exceed her parents' expectations, who never had a boyfriend, and who never felt worth more than that of an ant.

But...I'm learning. People do have the tendency to say what they mean. I gotta start believing in that. Though the mouth can be destructive, it can also be uplifting. If you can't love yourself, how can you possibly love the world.

My Choir teacher says I have a beautiful voice after I sang for her in front of the class...

"search within the deep recesses of my soul, and find within me fire that burns brightly through the darkness"

"...even worse are communications between myself and myself. i swear to you, sometimes i wonder if electrical signals simply aren't transmitted entirely or properly in my head, because i can totally feel something in my soul but not have any interest in my body to live accordingly to that, or to put that belief into action. i can't even communicate properly to myself, no wonder i can't communicate to other people without causing some huge gap, some huge void. it's because there's ALWAYS that huge void within myself even. and when there's a void between me and myself, there's a bridge there I can't cross. but when there's a void between me and God...there is a bridge, and it is a cross." - Sean McCarron

He said it so beautifully that I just had to quote him.

Lately, emotions from inner parts of my being have been gushing out of my brain causing a non-stop traffic within my soul. I don't know. Like it's like a trial in itself to wrestle with my own self. There's this period of time where you just want to let it all go, to stop dealing with life's hassles and temptations and stresses and problems and a number of other intolerable accounts of chaos. I hate to say it, but sometimes i just want to give up. Sometimes, there seems to be no purpose for me to be living here in the world.

Sometimes, I imagine myself just as a Mom. I imagine myself raising my kids. Having kids of my own, I would home-school them, speak truth into their lives, set morals and principles, and having fun through it all. To be happy, that's all I want. It's so cliche. =) but it's true. There's just a simple truth in being content with what God gives through life.

Kamikaze
Five Iron Frenzy

I don't know if it's just me
But it seems that things aren't changing
Every day is pretty much the same
With a little rearranging

If I do nothing I can't fail
No blistered hands, no broken nails
Killing time, I'm paralysed
With faded dreams and hollow eyes

I've been waiting for a revelation
For a moment of clarity
Conflicts and convolutions
Ricochete inside of me

There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind
I feel the pulse again

I'm going in (1 2 3 and go)
Like a kamikaze (Like Geronimo)
A leap of faith (And I finally feel alive)
3 2 1 I'm going in

(1 2 3 say when) Like a flaming arrow
(Soaring in the wind) A leap of faith
(And I finally feel alive) 3 2 1 I'm going in

I am so slow to commit
I have wasted years on fences
Is it really true the shoes don't fit
Is it only my defences?

What if I don't measure up
Don't listen well, don't smile enough
Alone and unknown up to now
Need to change direction somehow

I've been open to persuasion
Wanting someone to take the lead
It's a little disconcerting
Signing up for eternity

There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind
And so my life begins

I'm going in
I'm going in
I'm going...

That's how I like it!...-The Freestylers
sick and wrong, that's just sick and wrong...-Dukes of Hazard
Are you Mocking me?...-Rissa
Atta way!...-Doogs
amazing grace, how sweet the sound, when you trans-a-late for me...-T-Shirt Boy
that's cah-razy!!...-Nate AKA Brian Fellows
Right, grace? Right!...-Perkins
I'm an egg -Carl
Well, I'm a banana -Gracers
Me Oh My -Malachi
E-g-g-r-o-l-e, let's roll E-g-g-r-o-l-e, let's roll, let's roll...GOOOOO EGGROLES!-The A team

The smell of cologne is so sweell. I'd be a guy just to spray cologne on myself.

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs,
I look around me and I see it isn't so
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs
And what's wrong with that? I'd like to know 'cause here I go again...
Love lifts us up where we belong, where eagles fly on a mountain high.
Love makes us act like we are fools, throw our lives away for one happy day.
We can be heroes just for just one day...!

Click Here

WE ARE AN ARMY OF ONE!!!!

Okay, last post, I need to know...What's up with the materialism in this place? Why are we so consumed with what we have? This is so cliche but there's people who don't have any food accessible to them and we're complaining about not have the right car, or the right clothes, or the right cell phone? Aiye. What are we coming to?

I have such a simple mind. God=Love, Love=Christ, Christ=Cross, Cross=Salvation, Salvation=Mankind, Mankind=Me! Me=God? Yes. God lives in me, love is in me, Christ is in me. Yay! lol. I'm excited.

Maan, Festival Con Dios is coming soon. I CANT WAIT. I WANNA GO SO BAD!! I'm going to go. I'm going to go. God, are you going to let me go? Can I go? I'll go if you let me go. Praise God!

I think God is transforming the way I look at colleges. At first, they were a hassle. Slowly, but surely, he's changing my mind and heart when I'm focused on him, I can feel myself getting closer to him even if I'm applying to college. Awesomeness! I'm excited.

Can you be Gay and Christian? That's the question of the day...

I got my senior pictures back today. Dah, they look horrible. Yes, yes i know. Everybody says their pictures look bad, but seriously, my pictures look like cow dung. I am not joking. I would rather not be in my senior yearbook than send these pictures in. haha. I laugh at meself. I look at my pictures, point and laugh at that nerd! She looks like a dork! HA! ANyway, I've got an awesome smile though =) I think what I enjoy most about my pictures is that I have this goofy smile where my lips are crooked and one of my eye is slightly more opened than the other. lol. Okay. No one will see my picture. Over my dead body!

Looking for a job. Anyone hiring?

Maan, I feel so refreshed. I just got off the phone from talking to a person from Teen Mania. I felt no judgment, no condemnation, no pressure. Just chit chattin and fellowshippin' with a brother that I don't even know. It's been a long time since I've felt free from being cynical or weighed down by the world...And it was just a simple call.

Aiye. I had a fun-filled weekend. It was exciting. Saturday was Entrepreneurship Day at HBU. What fun! I learned about starting a business and what it takes to make it successful. Mattress Mack spoke. He has some awesome stories to share. Just about persistence and desire and motivation. I might start my own business one day. Or maybe not. I'm a very unmovtivated person when it comes to work. HA! Anyway, I spent the rest of the day watching romantic movies. hehe. Reallly makes you want to cuddle up with that significant other. it does. Woke up early Sunday morning for Juvenile Diabetes Research Walk. It was a good time. Went running out in the rain with God. =) Oh, and my advice is to stretch before running. The moron that I am, forgot to stretch my muscles, and both of my legs feel like they've been beaten with a hammer, no kidding.

God created me in a way that makes me unique. I love being who I am. I love Music. I love performing arts, but why am I going into Business? Why am I doing "what's right" instead of "what feels right"? I'm not exactly sure what my parents would think of me majoring in music. But I'm sure they don't think much of it for when I told them I wanted to be a singer one day, they laughed at me. From then on, I just thought it was stupid that I even consider to want to live life as a musician. But that's my desire. That's what I want. I don't want to go into college having a set mind of one thing and wanting something else. I don't want to be bored at my cubicle. I don't want to shuffle through papers if I don't enjoy it. Maybe what I want isn't what is best for me.

Well, business, ready or not, here I come.

Don't let it get to you, Grace. Don't let people get you down. You're not dependent on them. You're dependent on God. He's your anchor. He's your refuge when you find yourself in the midst of the sandstorm. He's got you in the palm of his hand. He's got you. Just don't let go.

America, you disgust me...

I keep thinking that there's a standard that needs to be held for Christianity. That there's a direct definition to be a so-called "Christian". Who am I to put people in a box?! What kind of messed up theology is that?! I've been tricked by the devil in that way. It causes me to stumble numerous times. To be critical of how others live their lives out for God. Aiye. I guess I just want things to be like equal, for everyone to be the same. Picture it if all of us were Charismatics. We'd get exhausted by no time. Think of the other way around. We'd be complacent and indifferent to God. DAH! Reason or Passion? Reason or Passion? I WANT PASSION DAGNABIT!!!

This Jesus thing is a "Smash Hit"

I think the reason I like rock alternative or any kind of music is because it puts the whole life for Jesus into such simple terms. And, a lot of songs come from scriptural source. I love it. Love music with a passion. ROck just kinda like puts a lot of passion and a whole lot soul into it.

Time to rave about my friend...

aiye, I talked to my dear friend, Larissa today. I do miss her so. She was so frank with me. She told me things that I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear it in order to get back on track with God. She shared with me. I love her so. She is probably the only one that i feel really connected while on the trip. Honestly? the trip has already passed and it was only for a month, but it felt like an eternity and i've made friends for life; brothers and sisters i'm bound to see up in heaven.

Anyway, she's a very anointed and focused child of God. She says she has a passion for purity which is so awesome. Although I told her some of my impure thoughts in the past, she totally understood and extended mercy to me and loved on me even more. She's younger than me, but in reality, older than me just by her childlike faith in God and total dependency on Him. Ahh, it refreshes me when i think about how much I've learned from her.

Hehe...I wore my Chinese Take-Out Box/David Crowder T-Shirt to school today. Some girl in my choir class pointed at my shirt and screamed, "Oh my God! Grace! You know David Crowder?"
"Yes."
"Wow, they're like my favorite band!"
"Really? That's cool. I actually saw them yesterday night."
"Awesome. I didn't know they played. Where?"
"First Baptist"
{awkward, silent pause}
"So yeah, they were really awesome."
"Yeah, I know they're coming in November, but I didn't know about yesterday."
"Ohhh..."
"That's so cool, Grace"
I smiled and I walked off. As I walked off, I could hear her telling her friends that I know David Crowder band, excitedly. It was so cute. I hope she didn't mean that I actually know the band like on a personal level. Gee, what if she did cause i don't =)

And to think, this morning I had hoped that someone would see my t-shirt and recognize the band. *thumbs up*

Oh, people do like talking about themselves very much...Just give them the chance, yo.

Time to share dreams that are peculiar, yet interesting...

So, I had a dream. It was such a bizarre dream. I was driving with my brother through a neighborhood. I saw two chubby kids playing in the front yard, and then the father comes out and yells at the kids for playing and screams for the them to get inside. The next moment, I was being harassed by the father. He was yelling at me and screaming his head off at me if i was one of the kids. For that moment, I felt terrorized and felt like I shouldn't be talked to like that, so my anger grew and grew. When my anger meter ran off its pinnacle, I started to scream at him. I told him there's no reason to scream at me. He had no right to scream at me or his children. I spoke with confidence and with courage. The father was so taken from being yelled at that he went off, sulking. Then the two kids and their mother came out and embraced me with their arms. They kept thanking me, telling me that they feel free from strife and hurt and pain. I walked away feeling so satisfied and so complete like I had done something worthwhile.

Another part of the dream was held at restaurant with 3 girls and myself. We were talking about Holy Spirit. Somehow, once the conversation became about spirituality the table was a bit tense. This other girl who sat to the left of me was a hyped up girl for Jesus so I wasn't afraid. I talked about how God talked to me through the Holy Ghost. The two skeptics were bewildered at the fact that I had the guts to say I had a direct connection to God. So, I began to go off about Jesus being the Lion of Judah for some reason or another.

So, yeah, that's my dream.

I've been listening to Planet Light Force a lot. I'm getting into the rock alternative music. It's all because of Carl and Malachi, I tell you. It's just cool how kids can listen to rock music and be fed with positive messages. Thinking about going to Festival Con Dios. But I don't know anyone who is really into the whole rock scene like I am.

I went to the Bebo Norman Concert with Dave Crowder Band featuring Sarah Sadler. Bebo Norman reminds me of both Shane Barnard and Fernando Ortega. Half Shane for the guitar and hip strums and chords he plays, and Fernando for his deep, soothing voice, and powerful lyrics. Well, Dave Crowder Band are always awesome, cause they the life of the partay. Sarah Sadler is a newbie. She sings really really really high. I don't think I could have hit half of the notes she sung. If I sang her songs, I would sound like a constipated chipmunk.

Going to these concerts is cool. It's definitely a place of hang out. I remember my "nsync" days where I'd go crazy over them performing for 3 minutes on a daytime talk show. It was ridiculous. And at their concerts, I was a wild maniac...but the concerts i go to now aint about the performer or about me. It's nice where both the performer and audience meet at one place to sing about Jesus. It's a coo thang. It's like hangin out in the living room. Which reminds me of this one of many occasions where my friends and I would just sit around and talk. After awhile, the conversation dies. Then somebody suggests we start singing about God. And everybody joins in on giving glory to God. Yay!

Today was also the day of See You At The Pole. It's my second and last year to do it. I enjoyed it. Not a lot of consistent prayer went on since the people were spread apart that people couldn't hear each other, but when there was a long break of silence, someone would just start singing and everybody would join along. That went on for like 25 minutes. Then the first bell rang, meaning, we had 10 minutes to get to class and this teacher came out and told us to get to class. Well, a bunch of us didn't want to go just yet. So we formed our own little circle of about 10 to 15 and sang a song and had a closing prayer. It was a good time and I was late to class. woot woot.

The Red Wheelbarrow
William Carlos Williams

so much depends
upon

red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens

It freekin sucks when there's no support system. I miss my support group. When I had problems, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't hesitant.

I am pretty sick of talking about China, about how much fun I had, about how many things went on, and most importantly, about how God moved all up in China but I want to just shake the people in America to death until they know that God is REAL. The reality of leading lost souls to Christ is the most important thing!! I mean, I've lost the reality of sharing about Jesus just from "hanging out" so much in America. I hate it so much. Argggg.

I'm just so frustrated with people.

My heart goes for people. I grieve when others grieve. I'm happy when other are happy. It's like I've gotten back into the routine of people who are "nice". Yikes. I need people who love Jesus that they aint afraid. I don't want to be a chameleon, shadowing the ways of others. Softening myself so that people can stomp all over me.

I need people who would walk up to a complete stranger and say, "Do you know Jesus? Let me tell you about him" I need people to tell me straight up that I got problems, I need to deal with it, and here's what God wants me to do.

Today, I went to a competition for Choir. Dah! Maan, i suck under pressure. I got into the audition room and I was shaking like crazy. My voice quivered that I lost pitch once or twice. Dah! ANyway, it was interesting. I decided to be bold and ask a couple of strangers if I could sit with them. One of the girls was in my English class and the other was just a friend of hers. So they already had a bond and so i was just kind of an outsider for most of the time. Better than sitting alone. I have two new friends now. I can say "hi!" to them in the halls at school! Yay!

Turns out that they're both Christians. They invited me to go to their fellowship tonight, but i couldn't. Why? Well that's another story. They seem to love God from their church attendance, but who's to say that they know God. One of the girls kept talking about her parents and how she can't understand how come they don't show much affection towards her. I reallly really reallly really really really really really wanted to say something to her about my own relationships with my parents. But I could tell God didn't want me to. Cause everytime i opened my mouth, nothing would come out. ANd I dont think she was really talking to me, but to her friend which...duh...is pretty reasonable.

Is me being quiet really who i am? I wasn't quiet in China. But i am here. Hmmm. DAH!

Yesterday, I took a black girl home. She likes to talk. Hehe. Anyway, she was telling me about a friend of hers, Mark Ballard. Earlier in the year, the school had shared tragic news about a student death of Mark Ballard, and I didn't know him at all. However, she was really close to this guy. Even to the point where she had a crush on him. She was telling me about how she had insomnia ever since he passed away. She was in complete shock that he was dead. She didn't even believe it when a mother of a close friend had told her. It was all a dream to her. MAAAAN, what would it be like for me to lose my closest friend? After listening to her, I realized that life is so precious and finding out such news is like breaking a heart in two. I didn't realize it until someone I knew had lost someone close and someone dear and someone she had talked to just the night before the death. maan...

Maan, getting emails is a cool thang. I feel very special when people think of me.

Ack. I need to get out. I'm not doing much good sitting at home all the time. DOn't want to get lazy.

I will not walk away no matter what you do...

I'm starting to work on my college apps. *sigh* I never thought this year would come, but it finally has. Oh my. I'm a senior and this is my last year of my high school career. And I'm off to bigger and better things in college and young adulthood. hehe.

cahrazy stuff:
duct tape... its real cool.

I've always wanted to know what it meant for me to live for God, as a woman. David, he was a man after God's own heart, shouting and dancing for the Lord with all his might. That's what I want to be. A woman after God's own heart, shouting and dancing for the Lord with all my might. =) Read Proverbs 31, ladies. It gives insight on being a woman, a woman that you were meant to be.

...Oh how the heart is easily deceived
As day mourns so the nights grieve
as time passes the eyes weep
day by the day the tides wash the ground
leaving behind things dear
scarring the tender bosom at its core...

...the storm is strong
the waves crash
Oh how the heart is easily deceived...

Dah! I'm such an idiot!

I go home from Elaine's house. I find that there's a red stain on my pants! Dah! What the heck is that? Ketchup? Salsa? I don't KNOW! BUT I HAD IT ON MY BUTT!! My gosh, my gosh. Well, for those of you that went to Elaine's house and didn't know i made a fool of myself. Well, now you know. =) Praaiise God!

Just a tip, don't wear wet clothes to sleep...don't ask

Micah 7:18 "He delights to show mercy"

LOL

I AM THE BIGGEST DORK EVER KNOWN TO MANKIND!!@!

Okay, I had a reminiscing session again. Just recalling the times I've made a fool of myself in front of my peers. Oh, I love it. Praise God for the humiliation (hey almost sounds like humility). I don't know about you, but those times are very critical for me. I can either laugh out loud about it and put it aside or I can harbor it into my thoughts and just press rewind over and over and over again. I think God has allowed me to go through my ridiculously stupid instances to really ground me into my faith, my child-like faith that I really really really really really want for Him and Him alone.

ahhh...home sweet home

Everyday, I look forward to coming home from school. Just as the bell rings for 6th period to end, I rejoice! Praise the Lord! School is over! ahh...but there's still 177 more school days left. Praise God.

Welp, off i go to do my US Govt. homework. It sure is an interesting class. Talk about government and politics. Cool stuff.

DAH! I'm such a dirtbag!

the Spirit is strong but the flesh is weak...

Why God? Why are you so good to me? Why do you delight to show mercy? Why do you search me so? I don't deserve you. I'm not worthy of your magnanimous name. Why have you taken me out of hell? Why have you cleansed me? Why are you so generous? Why do you look upon me with favor? Why do you love me?

Praise be to God of the Universe, Creator of all things. In all things, Praise God for he is worthy to be praised.

Mmm...just had PBJ. it was muy delicioso...

God has seriously shown me to make fun of life. Be a kid for once, Grace. Don't grow up so fast.

Luke 18:17 "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

It's there in the Word. Be like this or don't be like this...then you shall reap the consequences, you reap what you sow. Transparency is what is so evident in children. My little brother? Man, i love him so much. He just has life within him and has a lot of passion when it comes to his heart and God has blessed me with him so much so. God uses him to teach me as well. Patience is definitely one of them. But God delights in my brother because he's a free spirit and I'm still learning to be a free, passionate spirit.

Everyone's heart has a story. As I've started school, God has really showned me how beautiful and creative each individual in my classes really are. Even those really quiet and shy ones (like me) have a story because of their own unique heart that God has given them. I mean, i have a very quiet soul, but i have a story because I've been through trials that God specifically placed in My life for My personal walk with Him. It makes me unique. It makes me special =)

In Jesus' Name, I make a fresh and strong commitment today to live the
life of love, to let the tenderness of God flow through me and heal the
wounded hearts of those I meet.

Father, teach me to love even when things go wrong. To be patient and
kind when the children are underfoot. To overlook the spiteful words of
an angry spouse. To rejoice when someone at the office gets the raise
that I thought I needed. Teach me to talk in love, to lay gossip quietly
aside and to take up words of grace instead.

Lord, Your Word says that Your love is already inside me...that it has
been shed abroad in my heart. So today, I resolve to remove every
obstacle that would keep that love from flowing freely into the lives of
others. I put resentments behind me, and I forgive all those who've done
me wrong.

In the days ahead, cause me to increase and excel and overflow with
Your love. Cause me to be what this world needs most of all...a living
example of love. Amen.

doot doot doot...baby shark...doot doot doot...baby shark...

"Haven't had raw worship in awhile... "

Funny how God somehow orchestrates everything out.

I went to St. Agnus Church Sunday night for Crown Together Jesus. I had prayed earlier on over the entire service. Just for God to show up, and slap us around a bit and amazingly, He was faithful. I had an awesome time of worship that night. ahhh...it was music to my ears. I guess God listens... hehe
------------------------------------------------------------
June 22, 2002
Hong Kong

Today, we went to a park in Tai Wai. We arrived at the park around 12 or 1 and therefore, we busted out the PBJ. I've gotten used to this routine that Teen Mania does. Get to ministry site, eat PBJ, and then minister our guts out. Afterwards, we went to the area that we were to perform Ragman. My group decided to sit. As we sat, we just prayed for God to send someone to sit down on the bench that was to our right. First came a man and his daughter, but when Erica started to talk to his little girl, the man seemed irritated of her and left and dragged the daughter off. Then came an elderly man. He sat only after 30 seconds that the man had left so we knew God had heard our prayers. And so since I sat closest to the man, I striked up conversation with him. After awhile, Erica saw that I was running out of things to talk about and so, joined in voluntarily. How awesome she is. Anyway, we talked for what seemed like such a long time since this man loved to talk and seemed very lonely. We told him to stay longer so that he could see our drama.

Minutes before we were to start our drama, I was told to translate as well as introduce. When I got off the mic, I realized I made so many mistakes that I couldn't count them. But I took captive of my thoughts and Praised God because He is worthy to be praised. When it was time for Ragman, it started to rain. At the same time, the music hadn't come on like it was suppose to. I looked around and everyone on the team looked stressed and in despair. I heard Dugan starting to tell everyone to "pray hard, don't let the Devil get any leeway on us". We started to pray like crazy. Just hoping for God show his favor upon his children. As we prayed, Nate had eventually got the soundbox going. And then Ragman was on the way. It was awesome. Praise God for how it turned out. Majority of our audience had stayed, despite the rain and was able to see the drama. =) After all was done, I went over to the elderly man. I started to talk to him and started asking him what he had thought of the drama. He understood it. He had been exposed to Christianity before. Yet, he thought he was too old to believe. Right then, God put into my heart to share about my grandfather to this elderly man. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. He was a nonbeliever up until a few months before he died. I told this man, that though I didn't know my grandfather very well, I KNOW that I'll see him in heaven if I died right now. I also told him that talking to him was like talking to my grandfather. I don't know what he felt about what I said. All I know is that I shared with him all that I knew and all that God wanted me to share.

We had free time tonight so the night was ours and we could do anything that we wanted. Larissa, Dugan, Zack, Jill, and I decided to chill at the nearby park outside of the Bible college. I had told Larissa that I had a lot of negative anxiety in my heart about where the team was going. We shared about what went wrong in Tai Wai and each one of our concerns about ministry. We realized that our team didn't have a type of unity that needed to be there in order to witness effectively. As the discussion went on, we shared our testimonies of what God did in us. It was really awesome just to talk and fellowship with them and just witness such transparency among both brothers and sisters.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I miss it so, the transparency. There's no walls or barriers. If something was stirring in our hearts to speak out, then we did...even I did! I guess that's what is so great about fellowship in the Spirit. The truth is all laid bare for everyone to see.

wow, it sure is late for Grace to be up. I haven't been tranparent on this blog have I? I'm trying the best to blog...but not. To convey my thought patterns, but at the same time, "edit" until my entry is "perfect", leaving the rawness out. Okay. So I'll be frank. Being in the state of idleness literally drives me insane. I hate being at a "plateau" of spiritual consciousness. I like talking about God and what He does in people's lives. I'm more interested in God and His enormity, though. I love magnifying His name to the point where I no longer exist. My state of human flesh is stripped away when I totally consume my thoughts with the sweet voice of God. I just realized it. It's like an epiphany. When worship is raw, I know God is stripping my heart of my pride, selfishness, lust, idolatry, and greed because I focus on Him and Him alone. I once heard that worship was defined as "acknowledging God". Haven't had raw worship in awhile...

Psalm 46:10 "Cease striving and Know that I am God."

JUST SIT STILL. God speaks to us ever so gently. If we would shut out the things of the world, we might actually hear it audibly. Urg...blah...I'm at that point where I don't really care about much. The world has nothing to offer. God has soo much more blessings when we walk in obedience and righteousness.

I'm starting to play my guitar again. I love it. I love my guitar. It really releases a lot of tension built up inside of me. Finger-picking can be theraputic. *thumbs up*

Ministry. We're constantly in ministry. When we're talking to somebody or anybody, we demonstrate ourselves to them as a body of Christ, even when we don't even know it. The Spirit inside us just works His power through us in the midst of any circumstance as long as we allow Him to. I learned not to quench the Spirit. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more valuable to me than anything I can possibly imagine.

God.net by James Langteaux

beauty is born out of pain

When you enter into the realm of nostalgia, there seems to be no return.

I've been reminiscing a lot lately. Not just about "the trip", but also, my days in California. Just the other night my bestest friend in the whole wide world (or so i thought when i was in 6th grade) had imed me, out of no where. It was nice to catch up on her life. Since then, I've been looking through childhood yearbooks, old honorary awards (from grade school i must add, I was very proud of those), and pictures. I miss California so. I remember still that night that I had heard we were moving. I was drenched in tears and at the same time, had such a rebellious heart. I remember totally refusing to leave. Anyway, looking at the pictures makes me curious as to how my old pals look now. I wonder if they still remember me...

July 27, 2002 a family friend of ours back in California got married. I don't know what his english name is. I just know what his parents nick-named him. heh. Anyway, I saw a picture of his (now) wife and him. They look wonderful together. My brother was able to attend the ceremony. He got the chance to talk to him and a bunch of my dad's friends and kids that are now in college. I remember there was this one guy. His name was Eddie. Me and Mike would go over to his house and play. He was a scrawny, lanky guy. My brother says he's all grown up and looking all handsome and stuff. sigh. I wonder where is he going to college...

On the last day in China, we had the priviledge of being able to cruise around ::city:: and have dinner at the same time. One of the girls of the team came up to me and said, "I never got the chance to tell you this, but I think you are beautiful." wow. My family and close friends always have said I was cute and stuff, but I always thought they said that to build up my "self-esteem". In my mind, I still thought I was ugly and hideous. But when a complete stranger that doesn't even know you says you're beautiful, I can't help but blush, my rosiecheeks show =)

I finally know what it means to be confident in Christ when it comes to my appearance. I no longer have to be caught in the world wondering if I should wear make-up or dress a certain way or have my hair a certain style or anything to alter the way I look, for the way, I'm comfortable, defines who I am, that's what makes me beautiful in the eyes of my Father. He loves me, for me. I don't need to care what man thinks of me because at the end of the day, God is who matters most to me.

I guess my dad isn't ready to forgive me yet. I looked into his eyes for a split second. He turned away, uncomfortable by my seeing him. Whenever he's mad at me, he would always say, "get away from me, I don't want to see your face". I remember that day when I knew my earthly father can do no harm to me anymore for my Heavenly Father has his arms "wrapped around me". I'm learning not to fear my dad. He's mortal and human and a sinner. In fact, I don't hate him or despise him anymore. I love him. He can yell at me all he wants. He can demand me to clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the floor all he wants... for all things, I do it as if I were doing it unto the Lord.
--------------------------------------------------------
June 14, 2002
Garden Valley, TX

During breakfast today (cereal), a boy sat down beside me. Part of me wanted to ask him for his name and strike up a conversation with him. Part of me wanted to get away as soon as possible. But I stayed, and ironically, he asked me, "What is your name?" and so i replied. It had turned out he was on the same team I was on. He was going to China as well! We talked for awhile. I knew it was inevitable that the color of my skin and hair and the shape of my eyes would be a standard of the question, "Do you speak Chinese?" So after a few questions about where I lived, my family and what not, he asks me the inevitable question. I gave him the inevitable answer, yes. I thought I would just blend in. I thought I could possibly be in the background. But it turns out, for the first time in my life, I stand out. I stand out because I'm the only asian girl. I stand out because "one thing here does not look like the other". Oh how I wish I were white for just a month.

His name is Don, if you were wondering. I was really fearful. I had no intentions of getting close with guys at all. I did not want to find myself in the situation that I was in a few weeks ago. I wanted nothing to do with guys, but God sent me to go on a mission trip which happens to include girls as well as boys. I hesitated when I talked to Don. He was a nice guy and all. I just kind of keep myself guarded from boys as much as possible.
---------------------------------------------------

I wonder if the way i see guys has changed now after the trip...

I never understood what it means to be loved. During this summer, I told them that there's a man that loves you more than you can possibly imagine. A man that would swim the ocean for you, a man who would climb a mountain for you, a man who would die upon a cross for you. I didn't really know I was saying these things. It was the Spirit of God moving in me to move others. It was all God. But who knew that it would come back to me... Grace, there's someone so divine that loves you more than you can possibly imagine. and that's God! He loves you with the fullest of his heart that he sent his son for you. That you wouldn't die, but live! Living victoriously! It's still horribly hard for me to understand my Father's love for me.

I grew up not knowing much about love. I'd say "I love you" to my dad and my mom, but it didn't mean much to me. I wonder, will it ever? I told my brothers and sisters on the trip that i didn't really understand their family situations. A lot of them come from broken families, abusive fathers, or single parent. I never had to go through that. My parents are still together, and all of us are still intact. But whatever kind of dysfunctional family we came from, my team had one thing in common. We all needed Jesus so much. They said that during those times that it seemed the world would end, God really revealed to them as a "Loving Father".

I desire so much to be intimate with the Creator. I wish so much to know His Heart. I may never understand the fullest of his love, but I can try.

"I look into the hearts of these people and my heart saddens. They want something more. They hope and they yearn that we, Americans, have something for them. They ask us the questions. They tell us about China. They ask more questions. We answered to the best of our abilities. But really, all we had to offer is the best relationship that they'll ever get. The relationship that is so intimate, so romantic, and so divine. A father/son-like relationship, but so much more personal, more involved."

I poured my heart out so many times that my heart seems completely quenched now. All that matters is that people were saved, seeds were planted, and lost souls were able to see God in us. The greatest compliment I received on the entire trip happened on the third day that we were in China. I was translating on behalf of the Chinese students for my team. We started talking about the political events that is occuring in Taiwan. At first, I was really thrown off because I didn't know how to translate that!! But graciously, God gave them understanding even with my indecent Chinese. The discussion had then jilted into a stream of spirituality talk. We asked them what they learned from us. One girl had said that just being around us was so much fun and she had more understanding of her beliefs as a Christian. Another girl agreed and said we had so much love and joy to offer that it almost seemed as if Jesus lived inside of us. Oh, how my heart felt I cannot describe. They see Jesus in us. What a wonderful comment. That was my kodak moment.

"busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity, and functional relationships substitute for love"
John Eldredge

Ain't that the truth. I often find that our world has become so good at concealing the matters of the heart for just satisfactory lives or superficial masks to ignore what's really beneath.

Life at home has not been the same since I got back to Houston. I learned a lot about myself this past month and I don't want to lose the revelation that God has really put on my heart. I find myself struggling with that same complacency that I had before this summer began. There was one session during the trip that really made me think. What do you need more of? Reason? or Passion? I realize that there needs to be a balance between the two. Too much reason makes the mind wander into the state of idleness. Too much passion is blatantly uncontrollable. I think it's the latter for me. *shrugs* Don't know how that's going to work out, but Praise God.

okie...

I waited until it was after midnight so I can put an entry in before I head to bed so it didn't seem like I post every single day.lol

Anyhoo. Today is the big day. Flying to Dallas without the parental units. Then going to China to minister to lost souls. All the while, worshipping God. !!!! who can ask for a better time???

::sigh:: Everything is packed. Everything is set. I got my e-ticket receipt. I got my camera. I got my Bible. Let's go see Jesus do some miracles up in this house!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!

So, I dreamed of cookies, right? I didn't tell you want happened after I woke up today. I went downstairs, checked my email on Mike's computer, and then went into the kitchen. And there it was a cookie! A almond cookie. A BIG-sized almond cookie just waiting to be eaten.

It was muy delicioso.

I had the most awesome dream last night. I dreamed about eating cookies!! How cool is that?!

Rafting was mucho funo.

I didn't get tanned at all, nor did I get burned =P hehehe. I guess it was because I was the only person who wore the most. hahaha. I was the only female anchor so I felt very macho. =) But now my arms feel like spaghetti.

Elaine, you're going to get it next time. *shaking fist*

I wanna go sky diving... =(

Going to China in a few days. Quick! someone pinch me. I need to snap back into reality. I think I still don't believe that I'm going to China. It's been talked about. It's been thought of. It's even been dreamed of. Now, it's going to happen and I can hardly believe it. The process of applying, praying, and making sure things get done has been a miracle in itself. From the day that my parents approved to getting prayed for to buying my domestic flight to being asked about it has been so surreal. So incredibly divine. ::pinch:pinch:: (pinch, what a weird-looking word)

Now, I wait in expectation of what God is going to do in China. What's going happen? I honestly have no idea how everything is going to come together. I still can't quite grasp the reason I'm going. I guess that's the fun of it. Totally waiting for God to show up and smack us into shape (smack? lol). He's in charge of everything, anyway.

pray, yo. it works. *thumbs up*

My haircut. I just realized it makes me look like a boy. phooey.

Yesterday night, outside of AMC 30, some guys by a coke cart handed me the new Vanilla Coke and said it was free. That was the highlight of my day.

Healing doesn't come in the future. It comes the moment you ask for it.

Dah! When you ask something from God, you get it. It's really awesome how simple it really is. You ask, receive. Ask. Receive. My prayers, one after the other, have been repetitively answered. Glory to God! I'm just ecstatic that there's someone so much more divine than anything on this earth that knows me so intimately.

Nothing much has been going on in this soul. Just been dwelling in the peace of God.

The bigger the trial, the longer the grace period. Just experiencing a whole lot of grace.

I get so frustrated when I find out why I beat myself up so much. Because I can't get out of the habit of constantly reminding myself that I need to do better at this and at that. When I don't exceed my limits, I think I'm a failure. School has been constantly pressuring me. The competition. The wickedness. So much pain, so much trivial nonsense. I don't want to compromise who I am, what my identity is, to the world. But often times, I get lost in it. I hate school with a passion just because my ears hear things that I really really really don't need to hear. My eyes don't need to see the things that I see. I even wish that I can rip off my eyes and ears so I don't sin. It's THAT painful for me. I hear about girls who have been cheated on, who have been sexually used, who have been utterly wronged. My soul grieves for them. I am in utter despair for some reason, every time.

My heart is in pain because I can't ever be so pure if there's so much sin out there just by the things I hear and am exposed to. Just last week, we went to the movies. During the movie, some person had called out an sexual reference. Dude, I could not stand being in there. Everybody was laughing, and I found no humor whatsoever. My heart grieves so. I told myself to brush it off, to just brush it off. But I couldn't. My soul needed to be released. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to be goody two shoes. But within me, I was sad. And then started my deep fall into depression. All I saw was wickedness. All I felt was despair of what the world has become and that integrated into my school work, my family, and my close ones. I had lost so much hope and trust and I thought, what's the use, God? What's the use? You try to lead people to Christ. You become such a witness for Christ. You are in complete reverence of your one God. But it seems as if you're the only one.

But I need to stop thinking that. My God is bigger than this entire world. If he can saved an entire city during a revival, surely he can save as many people as there is in a movie theater. He created me and you. He created the earth, the heavens, and everything in it. There's something magnificent about that don't you think? People have lost faith. People have been accustomed to this world. Compromising themselves because that's how their friends are. Making it harder on themselves when it's time to show them that little piece of paper that says, "Do you know for sure that you are going to heaven?"

A few weeks back, my teacher had asked us to write an essay about time travel. If we could go back in time or forward, when and why? At first I was like, Dude, I'd go see my Savior in an heartbeat. But instead, I wrote about going back to the 60s to see Martin Luther King speak, a time of doo wop music and Leave it to Beaver generation. I compromised. DANG IT. I hate compromising. It shows that you'll change your ideals and priorities just so you won't be ridiculed. So this guy, Danny in my class, a devout Catholic, stands in front of the class and says, "If I can go back in time, I'd go to the time of the Roman Empire to witness Jesus and his miracles and also the 1st century church."

What makes you holy. What makes you true. Go for it. Don't compromise. Don't compromise to the ways of the world. For you are not of the world. Be salt and light. Be a soldier for Christ. Be little children of God, full of faith, so excited to speak Truth into people's lives. I'm trying my best. I'm praying as much as I can. I know I'll never be perfect. But YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT JESUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT GOD TO RULE IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED GOD.

Sorry, I had went on a tangent. From now on, no structure, no formality. I'm just gonna spit out what's on my mind at the moment. May not make sense, but that's quite all right.

Anyway. School. I hate school with a passion. ESPECIALLY CLEMENTS. Do not go to Clements High School. I don't recommend going there at all. There's so much bad stuff there. Sex, pride, sin, complacency, drugs, competition, wickedness of the world, trivial matters, alcohol, just to name a few. There's sin and I can't seem to avoid it. Blah. I mean sin is sin, no matter how extreme it may be. There's no degree of sin. It's just all there. yuck.

I'm crying out to God now. I don't want to criticize about how they sinful they are anymore. I cry out to God saying, "God, I'm so pitiful compared to your majesty. I am not worthy to be called yours. But by your grace, you have chosen me. Jesus, Thank you for enduring the cross. Jesus, I ask for your hand to be upon these people at my school. I've prayed for a school-wide revival. People praising your name while at school, singing songs of joy, shouting with freedom. I believe, God. I believe you can do the imaginable if there's faith, Lord God. I know you are true and you are Greater than anyone on this Earth. May your Glory shine through my school. May your grace fall upon these people. These people that need you so, Lord God. May you make yourself known. Surround me with angels that I may not fall into temptation. Fill this void of my soul with your Word and your Spirit, Oh God. May I be a witness for you, Jesus. May I resonate your power and your might through my actions, my words."

I think the initial purpose of this blog was to say why I've been depressed. But as I digressed, I forget. =P So the reason. I've had stuggles determining my worth and my place in this world. I thought maybe if I had a boyfriend, I'd be satisfied and feel wanted. But that didn't work out. So maybe intellect is where I'm suppose to succeed. Nope not there either. Maybe I can find comfort in my family. But I just got more hurt in the end. How about my friends? hmmm...nope. SO I felt worthless. Felt stupid. Felt alone. Felt extremely betrayed. Therefore, that little green goblin depression came about. Ugh. I still can't believe I went through that. ANYWAY. My worth is not found in school, relationships, or anything that is temporary. Am I willing to sacrifice what I'm comfortable with and go to my Lord? God was telling me, "Boyfriend? No, you won't find it there. School? You'll definitely won't find it there. Friends? No, although they may help, they won't make you have joy. Nope, none of these things will make you fulfilled, satisfied, full of joy, or even remotely complete."

I simply needed to repent for my sin and my depression and recognize that God is MY God. Not school not anything else. Just God. If I think that anything else can fill my void, I'm a fool. But God. man

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." 1 Corinthians 1:27

Thank God. Thank God, he uses stupid people. People who are "least likely to succeed". That's me. The Grace that mumbles when she talks. The girl who is oblivious to the things that are around her. The girl who is often absent-minded. The girl who is "introverted" and can't share her feelings. The silent quiet stupid Grace who God chose for some reason. I don't know the reason yet. But I've got to give all I got to please my Lord.

Loneliness

stranded ashore a little island
standing with a strawed coconut
with anybody, but nobody around

driven into a valley
dropped along the road
thats it
waddling to find a way home

flying off of Niagra Falls
dropping 30 stories from bungee cord
climbing Mount Everest
turned to left, right
nothing, no one
deserted
abandoned
alone

estranged beyond this little world
in itself caught by a web
uneasily untangled
integrity, honesty, loyalty
nothing is tangible

"All the world's a stage, we're merely actors playing a part."

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouting." Job 8:21

Sometimes, you just gotta scream.

I was reading Job today at school. Man, this guy is really depressed. I can see why. His entire world was turned upside-down.
"I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul." Job 10:1

As I was reading, I realized that I don't have it that bad. There were times, however, that I could really really relate to what he was going through. When I read it, I was like, "Whoa, sounds kind of like... me."

Let me clarify. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of brothers and sisters that have called upon the name of the Lord with bitterness and resentment because of the excruciating amount of torture and pain that we've all been through. Well, this guy did, at first, but in the end he put his flesh aside, and lift the Lord's name in high regard.

That's what we do. We go through shit. We see a way out, which is God's mercy and grace. And then we're all praising God.

God wants us to turn from our ways, our flesh, and serve Him, even when we go through so much poop. For me, it's been so damn repetitive. It's the sin. Someone once said to me, to sin is insanity, you keep doing it over and over and over again, but it never appeases you, it never satisfies you, it only lures you away from your Creator. It's kind of like banging your head against the wall. You do it once, and then you say, "ow!" But like the idiot that you are, you go back and bang your head again. Over and over...

So I put into account that though I know that God is the ONLY means of satisfaction, I know I'll end up sinning again, and then I shall repent and repent and repent until the day that I die. *sigh* When will this cycle ever end.

But I rejoice

Again, I say rejoice. For the Kingdom of heaven is near.

I'm updating at school. The day is passing by soo slow. I think it's due to the fact that teachers are tired of the students and the students are tired of the teachers. No work is being handed out because finals are coming up and I have nothing to do because I'm exempt from most...well all of my classes but one. I'm bored out of my mind. Need something to do. Maybe skip school and go see Star Wars...hmm...

"Goddess Bless"

It was a bumper sticker that I saw on the way home today. At first, I was like what does that mean? But then I was like ohhh, i see. It's a reference that God is a female rather than a male. Never thought of it as the issue of femininity. *shrugs*

Our Choir show was a few nights ago. One of the songs for pre-show was this song by Janis Ian.

At seventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen
that love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired
the valentines I never knew
the Friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
at seventeen i learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say - come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
it isn't all it seems at seventeen
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
whose name I never could pronounce
said - pity please the ones who serve
they only get what they deserve
the rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what she needs
with a guarantee of company
and haven for the elderly
So remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
in debentures of quality and dubious integrity
their small-town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball
it was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game, and when we dare
we cheat ourselves at solitaire
inventing lovers on the phone
repenting other lives unknown
that call and say - come on, dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
at ugly girls like me, at seventeen

Ain't that the truth...

O my soul
make a joyful noise
be it loud or soft
sing a song to the Lord
whether sad or happy
sing unto to the Lord like never before
for this is pleasing to the King.

Yellow Roses

Early morning
Sprung into the light
with exuberant joy
sweet and yellow, fragrant with love
enlightening the lives of humans

Dusk touches the earth
Drooped with sorrow
so sad, as if broken in spirit
looking down, petals flee
dead, falling apart

my yellow roses look so sad

I feel like a middle school girl. hehe. So, there's this guy. He's cute. He's funny. He's a believer. But I can't approach him. I don't know how to. Like I said before, I haven't had a good history with guys so I stay away from them as much as I can. But what if my heart wants to do what my mind doesn't? Then I'm torn.

What should I do?

confused

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
- Love Song For No One John Mayer

I wonder if love is just a fairy tale
A lovely, sweet feeling
only used for storytelling and fantasy
A warm, fuzzy feeling
only to last 90 minutes in a movie theater
Well, it's the only love I'll ever know
for this heart of mine can't seem to feel
this warm light-headed feeling

Friday night I had such a bad bad dream. It was all of my worst and most depressing thoughts into one whole basket. This is how it went. I had to take the SATs. But I wanted to stop by a concert of my friends. As I stepped into the coffee shop, I realized it wasn't the band I knew. I wanted to call my friend to find out what happened. I realized I had ran out of battery, but I called anyway. She said, "Oh, we're not playing there. I decided a week ago I didn't want to play at THAT coffee shop" and she hung up. Great. It reminded me of how my friends didn't call me up when there was something going on. I felt left out. A loner. My heart started to crush. I decided to hang out a bit. Listened to the music. Looking around to see so many people having fun while I sat, alone. I just wanted to see a friendly face. And then I said, the hell with that. I needed to take the SATs. The anxiety kicks in and I start to run. But then I saw my old youth pastor Long. It was great seein' him again. I went up to him. I said, "Hi Long!" and just I suspected he went, "Hi GRACE, I haven't seen you for the longest time, how are you?". He always made me feel special no matter what. Well, after I told him why I was there, we had that awkard moment of silence which was really really really freaky. And so I thought, "maybe we can talk about God because I know he loves God". And so I sat down and started to tell him about what God has been doing in my life. At first he looked as if he was absolutely interested, but then, this beautiful girl comes by and he starts to hit on her totally ignoring me, as if I was oblivious to him. I stormed out of the coffee shop. I ran with tears to the parking lot. I have a good memory as to locating my car. But for some reason my car wasn't where I had parked. I ran eveywhere. I searched through each area. For some reason, I couldn't find it. The day was beginning to drag on. "I had to take that SAT test, if I dont' my dad's going to kill me" I said to myself. You know that feeling of total confusion, frustration, anguish, fear, and despair all in one when you get lost? Well, multiply that by 1000, that's how I felt in the dream. Then I went back to the coffee shop. Some lady comes up to me and asks me for a ride. I said okay. okay? OKAY? I can't even find my car, how can I take someone home? Well, I went to the parking lot I had originally thought it was. And guess what? It was there all right. But...it had been totalled. It looked as if someone to a sledgehammer and knocked the hell out of it. Out of ALL the damn cars, MY CAR was smashed. I didn't understand it at all. I fell down to my knees and cried like a baby. I cried and had no understanding of love or kindness or joy. All I felt was despair, frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, and most of all, insane. All I wanted to do was kill myself. All I wanted was to release me of the pain I was going through.

Prom tomorrow. Here's to the Night...what a nice theme. A couple friends of mine are going to prom because their bf or gf are seniors. Have fun, yo!

I don't know yet. I most likely will not attend the class of 2002/2003 prom. I frankly don't want to. Don't force me to do something I don't want to do, or I kick yo behind! =P

I went to do my homework at like 4:30 this afternoon. I fell asleep at 5:00. Woke up at 7:30. That's how tired I am. I haven't getting enough beauty sleep. Or maybe I'm actually getting too much during the afternoons. *shrugs*

all of life, comes down to just one thing
and that's to know You, Oh Jesus
and make you known

I can just imagine it now, me sitting at a cubicle with stacks of paperwork. WooHoo. bleh. I don't want to do that. heh. Well, if I major in Accounting, that's what I'll end up doing.

Ambitious desires

I want to do something exciting.
I want to jump off a bridge.
I want to try reverse bungee jumping.
I want to sky dive out a small airplane.
All at once
I want to go camping.
I want to go to Yosemite and just walk around.
I want to go to the Grand Canyon and scream at the top of my lungs.
I want to stare deep into the heart of Niagra Falls.
I want to travel all the earth.
See sights I've never seen.
Taste food I've never tasted.
Experience life as though I've been hung on a thread
There's more to life than sitting in a office

What are my fears?
-bugs that fly
-dying knowing that I didn't help at least one group of people in my life
-not being able to love
-choosing man over God
-losing relationships
-wasting my life away at a job that I don't want to do
-my brother deserting me
-the parents' death
-not knowing what it's like to be loved by a man

Nothing of too much importance happened today. Actually, nothing of too much importance occurs in my so-called life. =P I think the most important event was me receiving Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. *big grin* I wonder what mental state I would be in if I weren't a Christian. hmmm...

Well, anyway, I'm trying to spark the more "intelligent" or more "contemplative" side of Grace. And I have to say that...It's not working.
haha. I don't know. Being childish is fun. Being a child is fun. I wouldn't mind being a kid again.

Dude, I love music. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'd do without it. I find that music...especially Jesus music...it allows my soul and my mind to focus on God. So, often times, when I listen to secular music, I get side-tracked easily. Same thing with television. It clutters my brain with nonsense of this world. Kinda like what Matt Chandler was talking about a few weeks about. There are things that draw us near to God and then there are things that shun us away from God. Strain for those things that brings you closer to God. Sometimes, I want to throw away everything that doesn't glorify God so that I'd quit sinning. Not to say that that would work for you. It would and does for me.

"Even though you may not believe it, doesn't mean it's not true."
Seth City of Angels

I enjoy having cable very much. I'm so used to dial-up connection. I'd have to close all my programs in order to disconnect or that blue screen that we love oh so much appears. So, I'm so used to closing AIM, but now, I can stay online as long as my computer is on. =P

Going to school, for me, is like going to a play or the movie theaters. You get your dose of comedy, drama, or action all in one neatly wrapped package.

Our school is very diverse in culture, affluence, and, of course, academics. It's like a society in a building. It's like a whole race of humans shrunk down to 3000 students. One minute I'm drowned in the talk of Mormonism, then another about the sale at Wet Seal, then another about politics, then another about drugs, then another about life. It's literally insane.

Today, we took the TAKS test. No, it's not the TAAS test. There's only two differences: TAKS is new and TAKS is one letter different than TAAS. The lower classmen of Clements High School were to take this test in order to determine the good questions and the bad questions. It doesn't count as a grade. It doesn't determine our IQ. It merely shows which questions are hard and which ones are easy. Basically, we were used as guinea pigs to test the new antibiotic.

It was hilarious. During the entire day, the juniors would tell each other to join in the "Bubble C" campaign, where you bubble in C throughout the entire test. And we'd psych each other up saying, "Dude, let's do it!" So, right after 5th period we head over to our designated cage and order alphabetically by our last names in five columns. We poked fun of taking the test, we made jokes about how we were already done, we made jokes on how the test was worthless. But when the actual testing period occured, only one or two actually did what they said. Hey, if you're going to rebel, do it right.

My mother is so beautiful. I was looking through some of our photo albums. There's one that is just full of black and white photos during my parent's childhood. I came upon this lovely young lady with petite body, flowing, wavy black hair, and the most doll-like eyes ever. Her skin seemed of soft cream and her face, so delicate. =) That's my mommy. Dang, I love her so much. I wouldn't trade her for anyone. My brother joked around and said if that little girl in the photograph was at his school, he'd definitely go after her.

Then I came upon a picture of my daddy. People say I look like him sooo much. I wonder if that's a compliment. My bro looked over my shoulder and asked, "Is that Eric?". hehe (If you don't know, Eric is my cousin). My brother mistaken my father for my cousin. I think that's kind of funny.

737
Shane Barnard

How did you get that shade of green?
Awesome, Splendor, Majesty!
Where’d you find the notes to play?
Glory and Honor to Your Name!

My Life, but a grain of sand
Your life, so worthy of...!

How amazing is a 737
Taking off! Laying down all of me.
That I might rejoice in all of You
Holy View, all that is beautiful
All creation bow to the majesty of God!
Every knee shall bow and I will bow and we will bow!

It is one of the most awesome songs by Shane Barnard. Majority of his work is all worthy of recognition. But, artistically, this one beats the rest of them, well, in my opinion it does.

I'm getting music-crazed =P

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs.

"For you've created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you're works are wonderful, I know that full well."

What a wonderful feeling to know that the way you are is the most perfect way that you could possibly be, well physically. God made me exactly the way that he had intended on. Dude, that's more than enough. God's work goes beyond man's perception. I've had an identity crisis over the last couple of weeks. I got so wrapped up in trying to understand myself as a being. I guess we all are trying to find who we are. But what makes me, me, is Jesus Christ. Death to myself and take up this cross. *sigh* I know it...maybe i can live it, someday.

Here we go again
Shane Barnard

Here we go again I forgot about you today
Pass the salt to me, don't pour it out
Well I might as well be cold I figured out
Its all a waste of time

Why you dig a well if your gonna find it dry my friend?
Sharpen up that axe, don't chop it down
Well I might as well have laid a wet stone down
It's all a waste of time

How can I know this and still walk away
My life, it's all a waste of time
My life, it's all a waste of time

Why you sippin java if you know you need your rest tonight?
Add some sugar, please, some sweet and low
And make it all decaffinated so I won't stay up
Its all a waste of time

Why prepare for battle if your never gonna find it dry my friend
Battle lines are drawn, negotiating with the spirit
Can I make a deal on my own terms
Its all a waste of time

How can I know this and still walk away
It's all a waste of time
My life, it's all a waste of time

To be in my, In my comfort zone
Your life is the Truth, So worthy of my time

Here we go again I forgot about you today

God, I know you're truth, but why do I still fall into the desires of my flesh? Lord, I cling on to your Truth. Lord, let this be the cry of my soul, may I love you with the depths of my heart. For your righteousness in me will shine like the dawn if I commit to your ways, Lord.

We're reading The Glass Menagerie in English class.

My teacher says to the class, "I look around here and there aren't many in here". Everyone looks about to see what she was talking about. Then she asks the class, "You guys, most likely, know this kind of person. Look around at your peers. Do you know anyone who doesn't talk much, who are a bit shy." Daniel Noll turns to me and exclaimed, "Hi Grace!", letting the entire class hear. Everyone started to laugh, and there, I blushed. It's true.

Then the students gave their input on why people are shy. Some were pretty accurate and others were pretty insulting. One comment by Daniel was that "Shy people aren't really shy. The reason they don't talk much is due to the fact that they've seen how extroverted people are and how they are treated, and would rather not be so upfront about so much stuff." Well, that applies to me. Another comment by Dom was that "Some people don't talk much because they don't have much self-confidence in themselves to present themselves to other people too soon." Bull's eye. Not surprisingly, Lindsay also included that "extroverted people tend to drown out those people and in the end, they don't get the chance to share what's on their mind." Another good point. THEN there's the Ashley Christian. You've had one of her probably in your classes during high school; the loudmouth that won't shut up... Yeah she says shy people don't talk as much because "they're simply not interesting or they have nothing good to talk about." If I could smack people, I would, but I can't. =P Anyway, I just thought that was interesting.

English class is one of my favorite classes. During Study Hall, I'd read the short stories and the poems inside my textbook. I'd be so attentive in class. Ironically, though, it's the class that I do the worse in. I've never gotten a high A in English class. I've always had trouble with Reading Comprehension. And I never really study for the tests or do the assignments. Isn't that weird?

So, this is what peace feels like.

"A banner flashed before my eyes, during one of my concerts that said, 'Elvis, You are the King!'. I replied in response to the girls who sat in the center of that row, 'No, Jesus Christ is the King.'"

Elvis Presley

Agnus Dei

Alleluia, Alleluia
For our Lord God Almighty reigns
Alleluia, Alleluia
For our Lord God Almighty reigns
Alleluia

Holy, Holy are You Lord God Almighty
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Holy, Holy are You Lord God Almighty
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Amen.

Facade [fe-säd] n 1: a false, superficial, or artificial appearance syn mask, disguise, front, guise, pretense, veneer.

bleh.

feeling: blah...kind of melancholy *slash* bored *slash* tired *slash* contemplative

So much has been going on for the past week, I haven't been able to sit down and just relax. *deep sigh*

OOOOOO I'm excited about one thing. We might go to AstroWorld this Saturday. WoOhOo. I've never been there. I love the adrenaline of riding fast rollercoasters, exhilarating freefalls, or just the pleasure of having cotton candy...mmm.

I've been going to Metro ever since the beginning of this year. I've been tremendously blessed by the extravagant worship that comes along with the singing and the listening and the praying. Stephen Smith band and Matt Chandler...*thumbs up*

At Metro, we've been...or rather I've been ministered to by the Spirit about following Jesus or the politically correct term of Christian living. All these months have passed by, and I think that I'm GREAT...FANTASTIC!....I'm not. I'd cry during some of the sermons, not knowing why. I realize now that I was hearing these words spoken, but not listening. Understanding what to do, but not doing it. I was thinking the words spoken was such a blessing, I forgot to apply it in my life.

Honestly? I'm struggling with a lot of things RIGHT NOW. Depression, insecurity, pride, selfishness...yuck

But...But God is going to give me freedom in all these areas. I know that. It just takes God speed, no matter how slow it may be.

It's so funny how I get so easily excited. I was all woopin' and hollerin'. =)

I needed to print out my Gold Forms for my missions trip this summer. Gold Forms are the medical records of how "healthy" I am. I think I'm fit enough to go on this trip. Anyway, I had been trying for weeks to get to print the Gold Forms on my bro's computer, but the document was erroneous due to the Adobe Acrobat version I had. Then I thought to myself, maybe God is allowing this to happen so I won't be able to go on the trip (the Gold Forms are required in applying). Then Sunday morning an idea popped into my head. "I can go over to my cousin's house and print it". Well, thinking that...I decided to pray. God, if I can't print these forms out today then I know that you don't want me to go to China. I got on the computer, went to globalexpeditions.com, opened up the .pdf format of the forms, and behold, the forms are there. I am really really really really really really really really...really excited. I'm going to China, baby!

I feel like a sick puppy. I feel horrible. My body is going through pain again. I went to this so-called "doctor" that my parents have labeled him as, but me, I still am skeptical. He told me I may have stones in my kidney. So, he gives me this medicine. This medicine is making me feel worse. "It" supposedly is used to "wash" me clean of the "toxins" in my body...aiyah...

Well, maybe in the future I might endeavor to discuss what happened at the "doctor's office", but I feel too crappy to go on typing. Stay tuned.

I feel like I could sing forever. Sing until I lose my voice, baby! MUAHAHA!!

I live a life of praise to the Big Man Upstairs. I know if I spent the rest of my life in a band, traveling, touring, and, most of all, praising God, I'd be satisfied in my "niche".

Psalm 104:33
"I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being."

Forever will I sing.

I just got "You are my world" by Hillsongs. I highly recommend it.

Update later with other recommendations of Jesus music.

I'd forgotten just how sweet your mercies are, Lord.

I'd forgotten just how sweet your mercies are, Lord.
Could you remind me?
You've been faithful in my weakness
Father, your love overwhelms my soul
I'm learning to need you.

I cry out your name
I am in need of your mercy, Jesus
Despite my pride and my shame
I'm learning to need you.

obedience.

So when I obey the Lord, all things just fall into place.

Romans 6:16
"Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey--whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?"

aiyah. If only I had only knew ahead of time. Wait, I did. *smacks forehead* "Dah!"

I guess in the midst of turmoil and just plain crappy days, you can't really see the light of day nor would you actually be willing to obey God. Just like that guy at Metro says, "Goober Moments". Dude, how could I have doubted the One and Living God?! I'm such a goober, even more of a fool

Everyone in this world has their own sets of problems. I know you do. I know I do.

One of the major setbacks in my life is the hard-headedness, the stubborness, the proud, the cynical Grace.

My father yelled at me just the other night. For what reason? The reason is too petty to be even told. But being me, I refused to believe that he had the right to yell at me. I refused to fall under his shadow of "the belligerent, all-knowing father". I refused to apologize. Yet, at the same time, I did nothing. I didn't argue. I just nodded and said, "Yes Dad. I'm sorry." What happened was I had all this resentment, bitterness, and anger inside, but I didn't express it. I just went along with him.

Who knows which is the better person. Who knows who was right or wrong. I mean who cares, really. But looking back, what would my heart would look like if displayed? It would have been cold and hard as a rock (go along with my analogy, it's the best that I can do at the moment).

1 Samuel 16:6-7
"When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, 'Surely the Lord 's anointed stands here before the Lord'. But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart'."

What I said or what had been expressed wasn't true. It was fear. Fear of how my dad could react if I had told him I didn't care what he says. All in all, my heart grew harder that night. Sad, but true.

I'm trying the best that I can to be able to...share? talk? whatever that word is...to speak to other people. To openly display my affection. To openly show the world that I love them. To openly open up to anyone, anywhere, anytime. I know, in my heart, I wasn't meant to be this restrained or reserved. I just have too much on my mind and heart to be this quiet. Maybe all of this estrangement is due to fear. Fear of what people may think of me. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being misjudged.